Dear Dr. Ellen: My wife and I are having issues with our funds. I work
full time and she is currently a stay at home mom. I work hard for my
money and I guess I feel that once in a while I need to reward my hard
work with material things. Most of the time my wife has a problem with
me spending money on myself so we get into an argument. I can't stand
arguing, so I started lying to her about what I do with the money I
spend. The bills still do get paid and we are not struggling. But, I
have gotten myself into a pattern of lying to her and it's gotten out of
hand. We do not want a divorce but my problem is wearing on our
relationship. Please give me all the advice you can offer. - Edward
Dear Edward: You mentioned that you work hard for your money. I think a
more accurate statement would be that, "We both work hard for the money
that is being made." Being a full time mom is just as "hard" as working
outside of the home. As for your problem, I teach that the only reason a
person ever lies is because they don't want to get into trouble or they
don't want to hurt their mate. The reason you are not telling your wife
the truth is because you don't want either of those things to happen.
You obviously love your wife and don't want to see her disappointed in
you. However, I believe that the truth shall set you free and keeping
secrets from each other, little by little, erodes a marriage. Every
couple needs to learn how to appreciate each other's differences and
come to a compromise in every area of their life together. Right now
your challenge is what to do with your paycheck after the bills are
paid.
I know that opposite personalities are always attracted to each other.
Someone who spends money, falls in love with someone who saves for that
rainy day. Both of you can come to a compromise only when you truly
understand that neither person is right or wrong, but just different.
The fact that you are a spender means that you are probably a more
spontaneous person who enjoys living the good life. I'm sure that you
believe in the motto, "You only go around once, so you might as well
enjoy yourself." You seek immediate gratification and get more pleasure
in the here and now, rather than what can occur in the future. If your
wife is a saver, she is more responsible, dependable and cautious in
most areas of her life. She is not a person who will give into reckless
abandon or wild excess. She's conservative and plans her life carefully.
She probably gets more pleasure out of balancing the checkbook than
spending your next paycheck.
By sharing her life with you, your wife can eventually learn that it's
okay to do something impulsive and allow yourself to be spontaneous and
splurge every once in a while. When she sees something she really likes,
she can indulge herself and buy it. She'll come to understand that she's
worth it! Although you may be paying off some things monthly, you will
still be young and healthy enough to enjoy and appreciate your purchase.
By you sharing your life with a saver, you will learn that it is
important to plan for late-in-life security when your working ability
may be diminished. Being able to live within your means and steadily put
money into an investment account, begins the process of building wealth.
You will become more disciplined and develop more foresight. You'll
avoid making too many impulsive decisions that you may regret later on.
I think that it would do you a world of good to set up an appointment
with a financial planner and see in black and white how much disposable
income you really have. Agree that a portion of that money will go
towards savings and the other will be divided between the two of you to
spend anyway you want. - Dr. Ellen
