Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 41 year-old man who has been married for 16 years
and we have 5 children. My wife just turned 40 and I still think she is
beautiful. Lately she has started wearing ugly clothes and she doesn't
seem to care that she is turning me off by it. My frustration lies in
the battle for her time. She is consumed with the kids, her friends, her
church, and her hobbies. I have to literally fight with her to get any
time with her, and then that time is worthless because of the fighting.
The more time passes the more I am getting used to being alone. I find
myself being able to relate to other women a lot better than my own
wife. She used to have a career until 2 years ago. Now she home schools
the kids. I try to pamper her, but the more I do, the lazier she
becomes. Sometimes I can't stand being around her because she is so lazy
about things that matter to me. She is the baby of 5 kids, so I guess
she will never change. I am a perfectionist and can do many things done
extremely well. How do I deal with the frustration and loneliness and
learn to accept the way things are? It seems so simple to "just do it",
but in reality it's not. - Carl
Dear Carl: I have a tough time attributing the word, "lazy", to a woman
who home schools 5 children. I could imagine "exhausted" or
"unappreciated" or "overwhelmed" as more accurate descriptions. Home
schooling 5 kids is more than 1 full-time job, especially since there
are no breaks and lunch hours. You mentioned that she had a career 2
years ago. I am sure that her work was rewarded with raises and praises,
neither of which she is getting now. One of the things you might have to
work on is being less critical. The only reason I say that is because
you mentioned that you are a perfectionist. Perfectionists tend to
criticize their mate's way of doing things and always feel that they
could do things better. She may be escaping to friends, church and
hobbies because it is a way for her to relax. It is so easy for all of
us to blame another person for what they are doing to us. The harder
question to ask is "What in me is driving my mate further and further
away?" I have always felt that if a woman doesn't get the emotional
fulfillment she needs from her husband, she will find it elsewhere. Try
to take a baby step and invite her out to dinner. Schedule it far enough
in advance so that you can find a babysitter. That would be a good time
for you to talk about your feelings. You must include how you think she
is feeling as well. Here's a good way to begin. Approach your wife in a
very loving way and say the following, "I feel so lonely lately and I
really want to work on us feeling closer and more connected. We seem to
be drifting further and further apart. I know that you are extremely
overworked and the job of home schooling our children is overwhelming. I
want you to know how much I admire and appreciate what you are doing.
I'd also like to know if there is anything that I can do to make your
life easier?"
Then I'd like you to buy a calendar and ask her to fill in all of her
commitments. You do the same. Then look at it together and say, "I'd
like us to spend one night a week alone together. We could make that our
"date night." Sometimes we can go out and other times we can stay in,
but the rule would be, that no matter what, it's our night together.
Remind her of what I always say, "The best gift you ever give your
children is having a loving relationship with each other. The happiest
and most well-adjusted children come from a home where "mommy" and
"daddy" love each other. - Dr. Ellen
