Dear Dr. Ellen: You're going to think that I am the worst father alive
but here it goes anyway: Ever since my wife gave birth, she pays very
little attention to me. I know she's exhausted, and nursing the baby
takes up a lot of time, but I can't help feeling jealous of my son. I
don't know what to do with my feelings but I do know that I feel so
awful for having them. - Pete
Dear Pete: Even though you can never have the biological experience of
pregnancy or childbirth and cannot possibly understand the psychological
turmoil that accompanies so many physical changes, you do have your own
adjustments to make. Believe me you are not alone. Many men have said
that they don't like having to share their wife's love with someone
else, even though that someone else is only 7 pounds. The sheer physical
pleasure of snuggling, caressing, rubbing, tickling, and holding that
was once reserved for you is now shared with a child. Many times a
mother may also feel hostility toward her child if she finds her husband
paying more attention to the child than he does to her. This is a time
when both partners need to feel loved and desired. Each waits for the
other to give a kiss, a hug, a message or anything to show how he or she
cares. Neither does anything. Both are disappointed and angry. Each
person thinks, it was never like this before we had a baby!
The most important thing to do during this crucial time is to be
sensitive to each other's needs and to share your feelings. Don't be
afraid to admit that you feel jealous, resentful or hurt. I have found
that many couples are ashamed of their feelings, thinking it's not right
or "normal" to feel what they feel. Fear that your feelings are
unacceptable will cause you to hide them and will interfere with open
communication. Such a lack of communication can eventually destroy a
relationship. Let your wife know that you need to feel close to her and
together see if you can come up with a plan that will accomplish that.
Helping out as much as you can with the housework, preparation of meals
and holding and changing the baby, may give your wife the extra time she
needs in order to give you the attention you need. - Dr. Ellen.
