Dear Dr. Ellen - We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. We have 2 wonderful kids, a daughter, 16 and a son, 13. My husband had to have 2 surgeries on his shoulder that has put him out of work for the past 6 months. Here's MY problem. He's been going to physical therapy 2-3 times per week for 2 to 3 hours each session since the beginning of June. His therapist is a woman whose husband has cancer. They have this connection that REALLY bothers me. Starting in September (2-3 weeks after his 2nd surgery) he began calling her and vice versa on our cell phone. I only know this because one time when we were talking, he told me that he's not hiding anything and that there is a record of everything he does. So I began checking. He told me he's never met her anywhere or time outside of therapy and that they are just friends. This is extremely hard for me to understand. He told me that maybe he was just screaming for help and there she was. I have also since found out that he sent her an $80 bear for her birthday and that he wrote her this letter complimenting her on all her accomplishments, etc, and saying that things happen for a reason and that he hopes their friendship continues after therapy is done. Then he signs it with all my love, your friend. I have never doubted his fidelity or had any reason to not trust him, but now I can't stop myself from always wondering and questioning and trying to find out what he's done now. I DO NOT want to feel this way. I ache so much inside. I can't eat or sleep. I love him so much and I am scared to death I'm going to lose him. He tells me to just give it time and things will be ok. I want to hug and kiss and be affectionate, but then I'm "smothering" him. How can I stop feeling this way? He doesn't know I know about the bear or the letter. If he knew I was playing private detective, I'm not sure how he would react but it wouldn't be good. I really need some advice before I drive myself crazy. I am seriously thinking about trying to get some medication or something because I can't go on feeling this way. - June

Dear June: I have a question for you. If you had been in an accident and your husband found out that you gave your physical therapist an $80 present for his birthday, called him many times on the cell phone, wrote him a letter complimenting him on all his accomplishments and telling him that you hope your friendship continues after therapy and signed a card, "All my love," do you have any doubt at all that your husband would confront you? You have a serious problem on your hands and instead of worrying about how mad he'd get if he found out you knew, you should confront him with the truth and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable behavior. Then I would get on the phone with this therapist and let her know that if she continues talking or seeing your husband that you will report her behavior and she will lose her job. Your husband is doing what he's doing because he can. Good old June will be there no matter what. You are feeling the way you do because you are shoving your feelings deep down for fear of "rocking the boat". Well, the boat is already rocking. You would rather medicate yourself and stay in this awful limbo state and walk on eggshells than to bring this out in the open and confront him with the truth.

Your husband is like every man out there who will not appreciate how much you mean to him until you are gone and he sits with the silence. Here is what you should do and I don't care if it's a note or in person but you should tell your husband, "I love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you but I will not share you with another woman and I certainly won't sit and watch you give another woman presents, phone calls and promises of a future." If you walk away with your head held high and your pride and dignity intact, deep down he will respect you and I'm telling you that he will beg you to come back. You completely underestimate your role in this relationship but worse, so does he. When you shock him with behavior that he doesn't expect, he'll come to the conclusion that he can't live without you. If you remain and become more pathetic, weak and dependent, all that will do is have him pity you. You want his love and not his pity. It is exhausting to walk on egg shells and try to become everything he wants. You are perfect just the way you are and he needs to realize that. He is the one that is cheating you out of his undivided attention. - Dr. Ellen