Dear Dr. Ellen: This past year I met my birth family for the first time.
They were incredibly dysfunctional; my birth mother being the worst. All
the children had admitted being abused by her. I cut off ties with all
but one, someone I really felt close to. She's in a very emotionally
abusive situation with her husband. Anyway, she came from another state
to spend the weekend with me. I thought for the most part things were
going well. She'd made a few comments about my husband, but I thought
she was kidding. Then, this morning I set up a tiny Easter egg hunt for
the kids (10 eggs). Meanwhile, my husband starts mowing the lawn
(oblivious to my plans) because he noticed our neighbor doing it. I
stopped him and asked him to mow the backyard instead, which he
proceeded to do. She felt that he should have turned off the mower
completely for 10 minutes. I saw no reason to ask him to do that since
we were going to leave soon for a movie which was his treat! This ticked
her off completely. She went back there and asked him to turn it off!
When he said, "Jenny told me to mow back here," she went off on him,
saying he's rude, etc. She came back to me and said, "He's
inconsiderate, I'm leaving and never coming back." She later changed
this to "I'll come see you, but not while he's here." I don't mean to
say he's a saint, but neither am I. I don't see what was so terribly
wrong. She started taking everything he's ever said out of context.
The weird thing is, before this trip, she'd say things like, "I like
John." "John is my hero," and so forth. Now, all of a sudden she says
that she liked him until this (short) visit. What am I to do? I honestly
feel like my loyalty lies with him. Even if he ended up being a bigger
jerk than what I understand happened, the fact is she spoke poorly about
him in our home even though he'd gone out of his way to do nice things.
On the other hand, my six year old (almost 7) daughter and her 8 year
old daughter are best friends, and they truly love each other. They went
to the bathroom together and cried in each other's arms. (She told me
later.) I don't want to take that from her. I feel, however, if I
continue my relationship, I will be betraying my husband, who has really
been there for me. While he CAN be a real pain sometimes, he's always
been there for me. He has even had to catheterize me in the past, as I
became disabled about 10 years ago. I'm only 38. While he does have his
bad days (so do I!!), I still feel lucky to have him. What should I do?
If you agree that I should drop her, how do I explain this to her in a
way she'll understand? I told her that she wasn't just disrespecting him
but me as well, but she didn't understand and I couldn't get my words
out. I didn't know how to explain what I mean. Can you help? - Jenny
Dear Jenny: Your instinct is absolutely 100% correct. Your allegiance is
to your husband and not to a dysfunctional woman who has the nerve to
degrade your husband by turning a harmless situation into World War III.
You should be thanking your lucky starts that you too were not brought
up by your abusive birth mother. This is a very disturbed woman and your
daughter will gain nothing by having an aunt who disrespects her daddy.
As for using both daughters and their friendship and love for each other
as a reason to excuse her poor behavior, in my opinion, it was her
desperate attempt to have you overlook what she did. The girls will not
be traumatized one bit. At their ages, many children dramatize the
moment and their next best friend is only a day away.
Since you mentioned that she is in an emotionally abusive relationship,
she feels out of control in her own marriage and therefore is trying to
control yours. She is envious of the love and respect she saw and wanted
to sabotage it. You should write her a note that says the following:
"Your friendship has meant a great deal to me but my husband is the most
important person in my life. I'm sorry that you can't accept him and see
him as the wonderful husband and father he is. I know that you don't
understand, but when someone I love is attacked, I feel attacked. When
someone I love is belittled, I feel belittled. John did nothing wrong
because his intent was never to hurt me, you or our children. I'm sorry
you took this personally and I can only hope that one day you will see
that you really did react inappropriately as a guest in our home. In
order for us to maintain a relationship, you really do owe my husband an
apology. If he is gracious enough to accept it, then you will always be
welcome in our home."
Then make sure you show the letter to your husband and if he has
anything to add, then include that as well. It is his feelings, above
all, that you should be concerned about. - Dr. Ellen
