"I've been with someone else." Those words are like a wrecking ball that
crashes through your life. The roller coaster ride that comes with
infidelity is filled with hurt, betrayal, anger, love, threats, hope and
depression. It may seem like your marriage is over... but it's not.
While you may not think so, your pain will force you to grow. Pain is
our greatest teacher. Regardless of where the pain comes from, there are
always lessons to be learned. Physical pain alerts you to a problem in
your body that needs attention. Emotional pain does the same thing. It
tells you that there is a lesson that you need to learn so you can grow
stronger. It usually forces you to look inside and ultimately to
stretch, grow, and gain more knowledge and understanding about yourself
and your marriage.
What I have told thousands of people in your situation is, "You can use
this pain to make your marriage so strong, that no one and nothing can
ever come between the two of you again or you can let your pain lead to
the end your marriage. If you choose the first statement, I promise that
I can help you have a different marriage and the healing will begin.
What Was My Marriage Lacking
I know it's easy to blame your spouse and especially the other person
involved, but it's much harder to look at yourself and ask, "Was there
something lacking in me that made my spouse want to connect with another
person?" Thousands of men and women, just like you, have learned how to
use the pain of infidelity to make their marriages better than ever!
We were married for 8 years when I finally found out my husband was
cheating. The crazy hours, nights, weekends - how could I have been so
naive! I lost all respect for him and felt so violated. If it weren't
for the kids and lack of finances, I would have left. Over time, we
learned to tolerate each other. He was sorry for what he did but I made
him pay for it everyday.
One night I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 2:00 A.M.
there you were on TV talking about why people have affairs. It was hard
looking at myself and for the first time understanding that what I said,
what I did and what I didn't do, all contributed to him finding someone
else. You were right, it takes 2 people to have an affair and once I
took responsibility for my part, the healing began." Shannon T. -
Lexington
For over 20 years I've helped couples understand the reasons why
infidelity has happened and how to prevent it from ever happening again.
I have never found a case where a man or woman woke up one day and
spontaneously decided to go out and have an affair. It's a decision that
happens due to months or years of neglect and being taken for granted.
If you use infidelity as a wake-up call, you can have a better marriage
than you ever dreamed possible.
A Marriage Warning
If you don't have a love affair with your mate, someone else will! Here
is an eye-opening fact that Oprah had me repeat 3 times when I was
backstage on her show. It really does explain the "Why" of infidelity in
a marriage.
A man falls in love because of the way he feels about himself when he is
with a woman. When he doesn't feel good anymore he's going to find
another woman who does make him feel good. That's what an affair is all
about. It's not that he's in love with the other woman. What he's really
in love with is the way he feels about himself when he's with the other
woman. A woman feels the same way. Do you know how many times a woman
will say to me, "Ellen, now that I'm in love, I feel beautiful, I feel
sexy, I feel special and needed." We have a right to feel like that for
the rest of our lives, and when we don't, we try to find someone else
who will make us feel good.
I was doing a radio show in Texas and a man called up and said, "I don't
believe this. I dropped a hamburger in my lap. I went to a pay phone and
just had to call you up to tell you that what you're saying is so true.
For three years I have been having an affair and I couldn't put into
words why! My wife is pretty, she's intelligent and she's the pillar of
the community. But the truth is that I feel like 'nothing' when I'm with
my wife and I feel like a 'king' when I'm with this other woman."
I spoke to a woman who had been married for 9 years and started to have
feelings for someone she worked with. She said, "My husband is
successful, smart, good-looking but the other guy makes me feel
beautiful and special."
Many people think that if they were better-looking or had more money,
then things would be different. It's not about getting thinner, better
looking or making more money. Some of the wealthiest people in the world
are by themselves; some of the most beautiful people on earth are
lonely. This is about how another human being feels about themselves
when they're with you. So, it isn't about me, but how does my husband
feel about himself every time he's with me. And, it isn't about my
husband, but how do I feel about myself when I'm with him. If we both
make each other feel so good about who we are, why would we ever want to
be with anyone else?
We have the ability to make another human being feel that they are
important, special, attractive, sexy, intelligent, funny, wanted and
needed. That's what a loving marriage is all about and that's the lesson
that needs to be learned. If you do, your spouse will never again want
to be with anyone but you!
For an effective way to deal with infidelity without marriage
counseling, take as much time as you need to listen to the free demos on
this site. Turn your pain into determination and do everything in your
power to prevent this from ever happening again.
