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Dear Dr. Ellen: I've been married for 12 years. My husband quit his job less than a year ago to jump into real estate. He withdrew his 401K for us to live on. I continued working and supporting us financially and we used the 401K as backup. After several months of him spending and spending to get his business started we were in a position where we could no longer pay the mortgage. I didn't make enough to pay all our bills. He convinced me that if we sold our house and moved out of state we would be in a better position. We would be moving to the city and that would give him more of an advantage for selling real estate.

We packed up the kids, I left my family behind and four months later, we are right back in the same situation. I've begged him to please get another job until real estate takes off for him but he says another job will only take away the time he can invest in getting his business to success. He also says that if he gets a job it will have to be part time....but that won't pay our bills. He doesn't want me to work right now while the kids are out of school because he doesn't want to have to focus on them while he's busy "working" with real estate. I've been very supportive and still try to be but we're about to lose everything. I hate having to move the kids once again. It's not fair to them. Please help! - Sylvia

Dear Sylvia: It takes a long time to get any type of business going. Usually the spring and summer months are the buying and selling months. There are not many realtors who do well in the winter. June, July, and August are the best months in the business. If he doesn't make it in the next 3 months it's going to be a very difficult winter once again. Based on what you wrote, I feel that you have been extremely supportive of his new career. However, this cannot continue to go on indefinitely because there will come a point where you won't be able to financially catch up and your family could wind up being homeless.

My advice is to give your husband a deadline. Tell him that you will give it until September, when the kids go back to school. If there is no money coming in by then, you will both have to work full time in order to pay the bills. If he refuses, it will be time to move the children and yourself back near family where you can get some support. Every realtor will tell you that this is not a 12 month business and you really have to hit it hard when the good months come along and have a source of income for the lean ones. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband of 9 years has confessed he never wants to have children. He is very happy the way things are now. I always assumed that he wanted children, but just wasn't ready. He will admit that he may have led me on for fear of approaching the situation. I'm just as much to blame since I also never brought up the subject seriously. My problem now is to decide if I want children enough to leave my husband. How can I make that decision? I know and love my husband, and the other option to me is unknown. His mind won't change about children, so this is all on my back. Please help. No one seems to know what to say. Thanks. - Shelly

Dear Shelly: I have always told people that there are only 2 deal breakers that you can't compromise on - children and religion. Many men do not want children but for the sake of their wives' happiness agree to have a baby or visa versa. Even in my case, my husband would have been happy either way, if having children wasn't something that was important to me. Now, he couldn't imagine his life without our 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren.

You'll notice that even in Hollywood, the older men who marry younger women, wind up having a new family with their young brides. For example, Michael Douglas, who already had grown children by his first wife, married Catherine Zeta-Jones. She claims that when they met in Deauville, he used the line "I'd like to father your children." Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes and they now have a daughter even though he already has 2 adopted children. Joan Lundon, who was in her 50's, had second set of twins using a surrogate mother because her younger husband wanted children. She has grown children from a previous marriage.

I know a woman who has 2 sons and really wants a daughter. When she and her husband went to a gender fertility specialist, the doctor said that most women feel unfulfilled if they don't have a daughter and are the ones who drag their husbands to see him. The husbands are very happy having sons but simply go along for the ride!! Then they wind up feeling that this is the biggest miracle of their lives as well. I know another woman who has 2 children and wants a third. Her husband does not want anymore children but here is what he said, "Honey, you know that I don't want any more kids and how strongly I feel about that, but if you are going to feel unfulfilled for the rest of your life, then we'll have a third." They did and he is a proud dad!

My definition of true love is when someone else's happiness is just as important as your own. Obviously, your husband's happiness is important to you but is the reverse true? This is not something you can take a survey about. No one can tell you how much you either do or don't want a child. I can tell you this with absolute certainty: If you are starting to think about having a baby, that feeling is not going to go away. It will get stronger and stronger as more time goes by. The question you will have to ask yourself is, "If I give up having a child, will I resent my husband for the rest of my life?" If the answer is "Yes," then eventually your marriage will end. On the other hand, if your husband agrees to have a baby, will he resent you for the rest of his life?" Now, you can see why I feel that having or not having children is usually a deal breaker for long term fulfillment in a marriage. This is something that has to be discussed by every couple before marriage. In your case it has to be discussed after the fact. Sometimes two wonderful people are simply not a match for each other. I have seen many men change their minds once they lose the best thing that ever happened to them. This is a decision you and only you can make. - Dr. Ellen

Our 21 year old daughter became involved with an older man. When my husband met this man, he called me and exploded, indicating that he was going to throw her out of the house. That night he proceeded to do so in a very volatile confrontation. I didn't know how to react and unfortunately, curled up in a ball and didn't communicate my concerns. I didn't support his decision, but I also didn't tell my daughter my concerns.

The next night, things got worse and my husband took all of our daughter's things and put them in the living room for her to move out. Out of anger and hurt, he threatened this man. My younger daughter aged 16 was emotionally upset and frightened. Still being emotionally numb, I took my daughter and left the house. I didn't say anything to him. I just left. That night, I called him and he said we were going to end our 22 year marriage. I moved in with my mom for 2 months although I really didn't want to be away from my husband. I believed that my husband and I deserve to be happy together regardless of our children's decisions, but how do we handle the difference in our opinion?

After I came home, I learned that our daughter was going to get married to this man. There are definite challenges they will have to overcome, but they believe they are truly in love and support each other. We still disagree about our daughter's relationship and this is causing our marriage to fall apart. I believe that I can't control our 21year daughter's decision and that I have to be there to support her. He doesn't believe that we should allow the marriage to take place, and he has announced to everyone that he will never talk to her again if she gets married.

My husband and I love each other and he is really a wonderful person, but I don't know how to deal with this disagreement. Our 16 year old daughter wants to have a relationship with her sister and no one knows how to deal with each other and our differences.

He recently left our home and feels that our marriage is over mainly because we can't agree on how to handle our differences with the situation. The wedding is quickly approaching and I don't know if I should go to the wedding and show my daughter that I am there for her, or if I should stand by my husband and not go to the wedding. Is it better to show my daughter that I support my husband and love him? I am also concerned about how the decisions I make, will affect our younger daughter. I want her to have a good relationship with her father. - Vicky

Dear Vicky: Your instincts are 100% correct. My best friend and her husband went through this exact same thing and no matter what she said, he too was not going to attend the wedding and was adamant about never speaking to his daughter again if she married this man. It wasn't until the daughter invited her father out to dinner alone, just the two of them, and told him how much she loves him and that it might not be his choice for her to marry this man, but it was hers and she loved him with all her heart. She explained how much she wanted him to be there and walk her down the aisle. It was 2 weeks before the wedding that he agreed to do that. They are now happily married and he has come around, slowly but surely.

You have no control over what your husband does or doesn't do. You only have control over yourself. Yes, you should attend her wedding and be there in every way you can for your daughter. If you don't go, it is something she will remember for the rest of her life. If your husband doesn't have a change of heart, she certainly doesn't need to lose a mother as well as a father. If your husband never comes around, do you really believe that you could have a good marriage, knowing that your daughter would never be welcome in your home? Eventually the emotional pain would be too great for you and your marriage would eventually end. Sometimes a man needs to be alone in order to see that he is making the biggest mistake of his life. If I were you, I would encourage your daughter to speak directly to her dad. If he refuses to meet with her then all you can do is hope that someday he'll see the light. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: A few months ago my husband confided in me that a 23 year old woman had gotten in touch with him, and told him that he may be her dad. He actually met her one time and found out that all of her life she thought that her dad was the man who raised her. Her mom and dad went through a bitter divorce a few years ago. One night, when her mom had too much to drink, she told her daughter that her real dad was probably my husband. This young woman spent a long time agonizing over whether to contact my husband because she didn't want to ruin his life. This all happened long before my husband and I met.

My husband said that they had gone out for a year when she suddenly broke up with him. Shortly after that she fell in love with someone else and married rather quickly. My husband has no desire to do any testing and simply told this girl that he couldn't imagine being her father. He's had no contact with her since that time. Well, it's been eating at me ever since this happened and I keep thinking that if she is his daughter then he will have to divide his love between our 18 year old son who is about to enter college, this new young woman and me. I want to know what you think would be the right thing to do. Thank You. - Cindy

Dear Cindy: For the sake of everyone's peace of mind, it is important for your husband to get a DNA test. If he turns out not to be the father, then there is no need to ever have contact with this girl again. If he is the father, then he should develop a relationship with his daughter. Believe me, a person has the capacity to love more than just one child and it doesn't have to be from birth. If you can be supportive of your husband and give him your unconditional love, no matter what the outcome of this test, then I think he will be less afraid to take the test.

I want you to pretend for just a moment that you are his ex-girlfriend, 23 years ago. You have a child so it will not be that difficult for you to use your imagination. Let's say you got pregnant at a young age by a man you didn't really love. Because you are young and now have fallen in love with a man that you think will be a more suitable husband and a better father for your baby, you break up and marry this other man. Because you were intimate with both men, you really aren't sure which one is the father. It is just easier for you and especially your son, to grow up thinking that your husband is his father. Of course, I have no way of knowing whether she told her husband that she may have been pregnant by another man. He may have thought from the beginning that he was the father of her child. But regardless, here is the most important part. I want you to think about what it would be like, if your son was raised believing that your husband was his dad. Then, finally, as an adult you tell him that there is a good possibility that another man might be his father. Can you imagine the turmoil your son would be going through? He doesn't want to intrude on this man's life because he knows that he's married and has a child and yet he wants to know if he is his biological father. How cruel would it be to withhold that information so that he never knows for sure? This is about alleviating the anguish of a young woman. Since you now know that it is a possibility, this will keep eating at you and eventually erode your marriage if you don't find out the truth. You can't ignore this and hope it will all go away. I believe in the saying, "The truth shall set you free."

Your husband cannot be blamed for what happened 23 years ago because he wasn't told about his girlfriend's pregnancy. But now he has a moral obligation to give this young woman closure. If he is her dad, I would like all of you to embrace this young woman and welcome her to your family. Whenever you have difficulty in making a decision, there is usually fear involved. To make the best possible decision, it is important to ask yourself, "If I were coming from a loving place deep inside me, if I knew I was completely safe, that my instincts were trustworthy and my motives were pure, how would I react and what would I do?" The answer to this question is sometimes very different than what you would normally do or say, but it will be the right answer. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I went through a divorce in 1990. It was the most difficult thing I ever went through in my life. My ex-wife and I did not have any children; however, we had a pet Macaw that to this day we've shared custody (informal). I was able to forgive my ex-wife and equally important I was able to forgive myself. I was proud for a very long time of having a successful divorce as my ex-wife and I managed to remain close and developed a friendship that we still share today. The decision to remain friends was a personal choice for me. My ex-wife and I have both recently remarried to other people. My wife of today was previously married and has an 10 year old daughter. Her divorce was very bitter and her ex left her when their daughter was 15 months old. My wife and I are expecting our first child in August.

I openly admit it's rare to see two people who were married develop a friendship after the divorce. I've attempted to be open and honest with my wife from the very beginning of our relationship. We discussed the risk before we were engaged. I have been unsuccessful in establishing boundaries as it seems the only boundary is to have no relationship with my ex wife. I believe that my wife's fears, in part, are rooted in the demise of her first marriage. I don't believe these fears to be limited to my ex-wife. I believe that my wife views any woman aside from family members as a threat. I love my wife very much and want to save our marriage. My ex-wife is one of the few people I consider a true friend. I feel that I'm going to have to give up my relationship with my ex-wife to save my current marriage. The irony is that I fear the resentment I may harbor from doing this will ultimately destroy my new marriage in the end. Any insight you can provide would be appreciated. Thanks. - Stan

Dear Stan: Please understand that the advice I am about to give would be completely different if you had a child together. Then you would need to be communicating for the rest of your lives. Since you don't, and there really doesn't need to be a continuing dialogue over a parrot, except to arrange visits, there is no reason for the two of you to maintain a current friendship. Just so you know, I had a cockatoo for many years, so I know how attached you can become to a bird.

Had your wife written to me, I would have told her to take a hard stand and make you choose your current marriage and never contacting you your ex-wife again except to confirm the parrot's drop off or pick up time. Because you are still emotionally attached to your ex, whether you realize it or not, that cheats your wife out of the emotional connection she should be having with you. There will be many times in your marriage, where you are arguing and not getting along. If you have another woman to confide in, those brief times become even longer as you begin to think, "My ex is the one who really understands me." One of the reasons my husband and I were able to build a solid foundation in the beginning of our marriage was because we moved 3,000 miles away from family and friends. So, all we had were each other. We were each other's best friend. If an argument arose it was in our best interest to settle it as soon as possible because there was no where to go and no one else to confide in.

If a woman is truly a "friend" once you get married, then she is a friend to both of you and can come over the house and call your house on a regular telephone. This is not the case. You are maintaining a private relationship that will continue unless you become more sensitive to your wife's needs and realize that if you truly want your marriage to work, you will let go of the past. This is not about communication problems. This is about understanding that you are asking too much from your current wife. Once you start building the type of marriage that is fulfilling and loving and have more shared experiences, you will no longer have a need for your ex (or any other woman) to be your true friend. She will be a fond memory that will be tucked away in your heart. So, if I were you, I would say the following to your wife. "Honey, I have thought long and hard about how uncomfortable you are with my ex-wife's friendship. Since you are my #1 priority and mean more to me than anyone else, I have decided to end that relationship once and for all. I would like you to see the email I am sending (or listen to the telephone conversation I will have) so that you will know that I am serious about this and we can move past this."

Next, it's time to contact your ex and say, "My wife and I have discussed our friendship and it no longer seems appropriate for you and I to have an ongoing relationship. I will always cherish the time we spent together and hopefully we both have both grown and learned from our mistakes. I really want to make a go of this marriage and in order to do that, I need to let go of my past and really concentrate on the present. I hope you understand." - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have just left my husband. We both love each other very much; however, the problem is his sister. My husband just retired and we decided to move to Arizona with his sister and her husband. Just so you know, I am 13 years younger than my husband. My husband's sister and brother-in-law are very wealthy and bought a house with a guesthouse on 5 acres. We lived in the guesthouse. I always believed that his sister liked me; she never indicated otherwise! Then, 6 weeks after my husband and I got there, she started treating me badly. Things got uglier and she told me that I had won her brother's love and had taken him away from her. This is her 4th husband and they have a terrible marriage. My belief is she needs her brother there to fulfill her neediness. I couldn't take the ugliness anymore. My husband heard her say this to me and didn't say a thing against her. I asked him if we could please move out and find an apartment down in the city. I couldn't live there with them anymore. He said no because he had already paid the rent for the year to his sister's husband. That was his excuse. I moved back to Ohio after he asked me what my plans were. I was and am so hurt! I have written him twice to tell him that I did not leave him. I left the terrible situation. It has been over 6 weeks and he hasn't called me. He is Italian and has much pride. Any and all help will be so appreciated! Thank you. - Donna

Dear Donna: You made a big mistake making your husband choose between you and his sister. You could have handled this whole thing so differently, especially since you already know that your husband has a lot of "pride," and your sister-in-law unhappy and unfulfilled with her life. You have every right to feel hurt but many times we have to ask ourselves whether we want to be right or do we want to be loved. Here is an example of how the situation could have been handled if you had decided to make an insecure woman feel a little more secure. When his sister told you that you had won her brother's love and had taken him away from her", you should have smiled and given her a big hug and said, "You are his family and that will never change. I wish I had a brother that loved me the way he loves you. Look at it this way, you didn't lose a brother because he is living on the same property, you've gained a sister-in-law who loves you too!"

How could she have possibly had a negative reaction to that? She is obviously jealous of the relationship you have with her brother and is fearful that she will lose his love. Instead of escalating this and leaving your husband, you could have given her a more positive way to look at this whole thing. Your husband would have loved you for that. You also could have said to your husband, "I'm really hurt right now and I need some distance from your sister." Even that would have been better than leaving.

I think you should call your husband and tell him how much you miss him and that you are coming back to work things out. You need to sit down with your sister-in-law and have a heart to heart talk. Let her know that she will never lose her brother. You belong with your husband and if that means a year of living there, so be it! Then you can look for a place that will be far enough away to give you the freedom you desire. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: Seven years ago I was married to a man I loved very much. After a few years of marriage, we decided to start a family and I became pregnant with my son (now 4). When I was eight months pregnant, my OB/GYN told me at a routine visit that I had a case of genital warts. They had to treat it very aggressively to be rid of it before the baby came and the pain was excruciating. I wound up going into labor the next day and had my son a month early.

Upon telling my husband of the diagnosis that day and my confusion as to how I could have gotten it, he admitted to me that he had gotten it from a one-night stand right before we started dating and had never told me about the infection. In fact, I flat-out asked him before we became sexually active if he had ever had anything and he denied ever having any problems. I was horrified, humiliated and in terrible pain. Between those feelings and the stress of a colicky baby, I was at my wits end.

I was never able to regain my love or trust for him and left him a year ago. I have recently begun dating. I met a man just over a month ago who I have become very fond of. I was terrified about having to tell him about my having HPV but was adamant that I would not trick someone the way my ex did me. Regardless, I told him last weekend and he handled it well that night. I was so relieved that the worry was for nothing, but he did an about-face a couple days later and told me he could not continue seeing me because he was afraid of catching the disease. I am broken-hearted and have been crying for two days because I feel disgusting.

Today, I called my OB/GYN to ask questions about how to tell potential partners about this in the future and she told me that there is no need to disclose this to anyone as my body has shown no signs of infection for four years now. The medical belief now is that my immune system has fought the virus and it is no longer an issue. I am thrilled to hear this news as I cannot imagine the pain of having to deal with this rejection again, but it seems too good to be true. (Of course, she stressed that I should use condoms to prevent re-infection from someone else and I will absolutely do that.) I would like to know how you feel about this and whether it is still something that I should morally disclose in the early stages of dating. Thank you for your advice. - Cynthia

Dear Cynthia: As a general rule, I don't think that your health history is anyone's business until you have a deep connection and there is the potential for a committed relationship. I know you said that you had been dating a month, but there is a big difference between seeing someone every Saturday night which could mean only 4 dates and spending the entire month together. The point is, I don't know how deeply connected the two of you were before you shared this information. I feel that it makes no difference whether you presently have a sexually transmitted disease, or you have been successfully treated for a sexually transmitted disease and therefore have been pronounced, "cured." Either way, you still have a moral obligation to let your partner know about it. My guess is that no matter how painful your breakup was, this relationship was not meant to be, and it wouldn't have mattered how long you waited. His reaction would have probably been the same.

As devastated as you are, there is a blessing in disguise here. Because of his rejection, you found out so much sooner that the medical community has now given you an "all clear." That means, when you do meet "Mr. Right," you can assure him that you no longer have something that can be transmitted.

Because of my own experience with breast cancer, I frequently get asked to speak to cancer support groups. I'm often asked, "At what point in a new relationship do I tell him or her that I have or had cancer?" My answer is, "When the relationship is more than casual."

There is usually quite a difference in dumping your personal challenges on someone you've just met and waiting until there is a deeper connection, before you tell him that you are recovering from a life-threatening disease. Many people are afraid that once they reveal their illness, that person will no longer want to be with them. My response is, "Why would you want to be with someone that is insensitive and uncaring?" If someone can't see past your illness or the effects it has had on your body, the person can't see the true you." I have personally met so many women who have had a breast removed due to breast cancer or men who have gone through testicular cancer and have had a testicle removed. They all confided in me that when they fell in love, they felt safe enough to share what they had gone through and, in return, received complete, unconditional love from their mate.

We all come with baggage. No one has a life devoid of secrets, embarrassing habits, or situations that are difficult to share. There are millions of people who have medical conditions that must be discussed with anyone they are seriously considering having a relationship with. If you have diabetes, epilepsy, cancer, MS or any other condition that impacts your life, you have to share that with a potential partner. If you are loved for your honesty and vulnerability, you'll know that this is a person you can spend the rest of your life with. If the person's reaction is negative, it is in your best interest to know that as soon as possible and move on.

I do think that it is also important to point out that people are much more understanding when it comes to an illness that they can't get themselves. You can't get cancer, MS or diabetes from another person. But if you have a sexually transmitted disease, such as herpes or HIV, then you have a moral obligation to give your potential partner all the information he or she needs so they can make a fully informed choice about becoming involved with you. Remember, you deserve to be loved for who you are and you deserve someone who is worthy of your love. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband is a wonderful man. I really love him and I know he loves me. However, he never buys me gifts. Instead he will say, "Let's go out and buy you something." There is no surprise in this because I'm not a shopper and I don't like buying things for myself. So I always decline and get nothing. I have expressed my feelings...that I would like him to pick out something for me (a shirt, flowers, a ring, anything!) but he has never bought me a gift since our dating days. I know he bought his ex-wife a very expensive ring a a big city store and I have a $30 wedding band (yes, I encouraged it). I've sent this poor man mixed messages and now it's a mess. What should I do from here? Thank you. - Lois

Dear Lois: I am a great believer in gifts because it shows that someone cared enough to take the time out of their busy day and select or make something just for you. Since people have different tastes, many times the gift is not what you would have purchased for yourself. However, I have always felt it was important to concentrate on the intention of the sender rather than the gift. A love letter from my husband's heart means more to me than a Hallmark card. The necklace made out of Cheerios cereal that I received from my grandson means more than any 14k piece of jewelry

If your husband has a difficult time getting a gift, he may be like many men who are afraid of disappointing the woman they love. This is especially true for men who have disappointed someone in the past. A good friend of ours shared one evening that his mother never showed any appreciation for the gifts he gave her. She either said, "You shouldn't have spent the money on this" or, "I really don't need that", or "I don't like what you got me and would have preferred, 'such and such'". My guess is that your husband has disappointed someone in the past and it was most likely his ex wife. He doesn't want to repeat that experience. A lot of women return gifts without realizing how much time and effort their mate devoted to getting them something they thought they would like. Many years later they wonder why they are no longer getting gifts. Anyone who has listened to my programs knows that I spend a lot of time on this subject because there are so many men whose feelings have been hurt. I nkow that you are paying the price for someone else's behavior but it's time to change all that.

A wonderful idea is to create a "Gift Box" and throughout the year, put pictures in it of things that you would love to get. You can cut things out of magazines, newspapers or flyers that come in the mail. This way, it will be a suprise and yet your husband will feel confident, knowing that he is getting you something that you want. The fact that he asks you to go and pick something out, means that his intentions are good. You are right. You are giving him mixed messages and that has to stop. From now on, you can remind him in a very playful way, "Honey, my birthday is coming up and it's time to look in the 'Gift Box'". - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 32 and my husband is 34. We have 2 children, ages 4 and 6 months. I am having a problem with my mother-in-law. The fact that I have a problem with her is affecting my marriage and how I view my husband. I don't think she will ever forgive me for marrying her son. She twists things and says things to make me look bad. She is, in her own sneaky way, trying to undermine my marriage. I finally confronted her yesterday and asked her if she had any reason to dislike me or if I have done anything to hurt her? To my face, she acted surprised and shocked that I would even think that. I gave her a few examples, the latest being when she came to see her grandchildren a few days ago. I had put my son in "time out" because he was acting up. She never said anything at the time but then as soon as she could, she called my husband and said that I was not really handling my son in the proper way. She said that, "He is out of control because of bad parenting." Of course, when I gave her that example, she said that she didn't mean anything by it. I had really lost it with my husband when he told me what she had said and told him that if he didn't defend me, we could just go our separate ways. He's a wonderful husband and a great father but his mom is really going to destroy what we have. I am slowly losing all respect for him. Maybe I wouldn't be so sensitive if this was the first time. It happens over and over. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I have tried to be a good daughter-in-law in the past, but I am now at my wits end and can't stand the thought of talking to her ever again. My husband always tries to defend her and tells me that she doesn't mean any harm. Well, if she is an example of "no harm," then I cannot imagine what she would have to say or do, for him to realize that she is absolutely harming me and our marriage. Please tell me what I can do, short of divorcing the man I love. - Gina

Dear Gina: One of the things I always teach men is that, "A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life. A son is a son till he gets a wife!" Your feelings and your needs should be your husband's #1 priority. The irony here is that one of the main reasons he is such a wonderful husband and father is because he grew up feeling loved and has had a great relationship with his mother. He loves and respects her as a son should. However, if she is continually hurting you and talking behind your back to him and other family members, it's time to put a stop to that. He should definitely be defending you and letting her know that he wants this to end! It will have much more of an effect if it comes from him. He has to say these exact words, "From now on, if you do not have anything nice to say about my wife, then please don't say anything about her at all. I will no longer listen to you or anyone in this family who is disrespecting her by gossiping behind her back. When you say hurtful things about my wife, you are hurting me. So, this has all got to stop if you want to have a relationship with me and your grandchildren!"

As for you, when you have a mother in-law like you do, from now on, you must never be alone with her. Always make sure that your husband is in the room. If he leaves, leave with him. That means you don't EVER talk to her on the phone or anywhere else alone. This way, your husband hears first hand what she says and sees for himself what is going on and how destructive she is. My guess is that this woman will be less likely to be hurtful in front of her son and less likely to twist things because he was there. You have already confronted her and it has probably gone on deaf ears. So, now it's time for you to protect yourself and have your husband step up to the plate. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a divorced mother of three. I renewed a relationship with my high school sweetheart last year and he even asked me to marry him last March. I live in New Jersey and he lives in Vermont. Because of his line of work, he is unable to move to New Jersey and because of my girls being in high school and the fact that my ex will not let me move them, I am staying here until they graduate. My fiance and I have been engaged for approximately one year now. During that time, he travels about 2 hours when he wants to visit with his children. For many months after he asked me to marry him last year, when he went to visit his kids, he asked his ex to join them. In addition, he had been emailing her every day and calling her most evenings although he was engaged to me. I found all this out by accident. He tells me since he divorced around the same time that I did, that he has just been trying to make the transition of the divorce for his kids easier. He said he was and is not interested in getting back with her, and he didn't care whether she joined him or not. He has assured me over and over again, since May when I found out what was going on, that he does not call her every day, does not email her every day and that many times, she doesn't show up for dinners or whatever else he does with his children. I want to believe that, but still to this day, he has not introduced me to his children. He says that just recently he told them that he had seen his old high school sweetheart and that when she was back in town again, that he would be seeing her. My children know that he is in my life. He was in New Jersey two weeks ago and they saw him and even talked with him. He talks to them briefly when he calls most days. He says it is different with him and his kids because he does not live with them. His girls are 20 and 18. My children are 17, 15, and 13. I am getting to the point where I feel he may never bring me into their lives and without that, we cannot marry. He asked me when he was here last time to go to Las Vegas with him and get married. When I asked how he was going to explain that to his kids when they were not even aware of our relationship, he said that he would introduce me at some point this year and that the following year we would have another "wedding" so his kids would know that we are married. Am I crazy, does he not know what he wants? Is he just trying to string me and his ex along? Is he ashamed of me or our relationship? Is it possible that it is just as he says and that he just doesn't want to hurt his kids and he wants to take the transition slowly? What should I do? - Sarah

Dear Sarah: You already know in your heart that your fiance's thoughts are extremely dysfunctional and his behavior is making no sense. You will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you pick up and leave your three children. If you think that graduating high school is the magical year that they will no longer need you, you are really mistaken. You are their mother and they will feel hurt and abandoned when you move to another state.

I am not concerned that he invites his ex to dinner when he's in town. What is a concern is that he didn't feel comfortable enough to tell you on his own. You said, "You found this out by accident." I believe that if more ex- wives and husbands could remain friends for the sake of the children, there would be a lot less heartache for everyone concerned. I remember seeing Garth Brooks on Oprah and he said that it was so important to get his children's and ex-wife's blessing before he proposed to Trisha Yearwood. He said that they were his main concern and it wouldn't have worked if everyone wasn't on board. You can already see that your fiance is concerned about his children and their feelings. That's a good thing because he knows, at a gut level, that they are not ready to accept their dad being engaged. Since that is the truth, he has no business asking you to marry him until you've met them and have spent time with them. That is the least he owes his children. They may not ever accept you, but at least it is the honest and right thing to do. I can't even imagine their reaction, if they found out that you had secretly gotten married and then pretended you were just dating. Starting out a marriage with secrets and lies is a marriage that is destined for failure.

It sounds like you have been engaged to a man who is, at this point, is living a double life and trying his best to keep them separated. Once he feels comfortable enough to let his family know that he is in love and wants them all to get to know you, then and only then will he be ready to commit to you. When you get married for a second time, it ought to be with a man who is not ashamed of loving you and if necessary, would move to the ends of the earth so you could be together. Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 46 years old and in pretty good shape. I had my first child when I was 18 and then my second at 19. Both my children are living on their own. This is my second marriage and I want it to last. My husband is 48, a great guy and a wonderful step-dad, who my kids adore. We were dating for 2 years and have now been married for a little over a year. I don't want to reveal what my husband does for a living but he is always surrounded by young beautiful women. His first wife was a former beauty queen. I am having such a tough time with my own self-imagine and constantly feeling that I can not measure up. I am spending a lot more hours in the gym and thinking about having cosmetic surgery done to my face and enhance my figure. My husband assures me that he loves me just the way I am and is happy with the way I look. This is truly coming from me and not him. How do I get rid of the constant nagging voice in the back of my head and just accept the fact that we all have to age and to simply try and do it gracefully? - Patsy

Dear Patsy: We have all been exposed to such unrealistic ideas of the human form and face that it takes a superhuman effort to overcome the fear of being less than perfect. Perfect faces and perfect bodies are everywhere we look. Magazines, TV and movies all glorify perfectly sculptured faces and hard bodies. It's great that you are attractive, but that is not what is going to make your marriage last. If looks were the answer, then so many of the "beautiful people" in Hollywood would not be alone or divorced as many times as they are.

As we get older, many of us fear that we will no longer be physically attractive to our mates. After all, how could someone love our wrinkles, flabby skin, and aging bodies? The truth is that true love doesn't fade with age. In fact, it's just the opposite. When you really love someone, you love that person from the inside out. His or her internal beauty increases and improves with age. Every line, wrinkle, and stretch mark represents the precious time you've been together and the memories you've shared. By accepting your body with all its flaws, you accept yourself.

You asked me specifically how you can "get rid of the constant nagging in the back of your head." It isn't going to happen in the gym where all the other "perfect bodies" are. It would happen if you volunteered your time to raise money for good causes, like cancer, diabetes, AIDS or multiple sclerosis research. It would happen if you volunteered your services to The Red Cross which needs 40,000 volunteers to help with hurricane relief. It would happen if you volunteered your time at your local hospital. Once you fight for something larger than yourself and try to help other people with their pain, you truly forget about your own short comings. A study which involved 2,700 residents in Tecumseh, Michigan, observed that residents who volunteered their time for community organizations were two and a half times less likely to die from disease, compared to those who did not volunteer. Helpers also reported that they had fewer colds, headaches, backaches, and even relief from the pain of chronic diseases, such as ulcers, asthma, arthritis and lupus. So, helping others may be as important to our health as regular exercise and proper nutrition. I know that volunteer work will definitely boost your self-esteem. The old saying, "Pretty is as pretty does" is as true today as it was in our grandmother's day. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I had my husband's friends over for dinner. Because I felt that his friend Nick had too much alcohol, I offered for them to stay the night or call a taxi. The wife was in favor of either of those choices but the husband wanted to go home. He insisted he was fine to drive. He was not. I rang for a taxi and before it came, he became more and more upset, rapidly. He was angry with me, insisting he was fine to drive. He suddenly grabbed me by the throat, held me in close proximity to his face and screamed at me. My husband and his wife were both in the room. I said nothing and neither did my husband. The wife ended up staying and talking with my husband about her husband's addictions and their troubles and I ended up going upstairs. They are both long time friends of my husband and I only recently met them when I moved to his locale. The husband drove himself home. My husband never came up to check on me or ask if I was alright. When he did come up to bed he told me the situation was all my fault because I had "set his friend off." I should have just let him go when he refused the taxi. I am very devastated by his inaction when I was physically assaulted. He said nothing and he did nothing to intercede. I am hurt and angry that he put the blame all on me. I told him, in retrospect, I would not have pursued the matter and I got carried away with my good intentions. I also told him I was trying to defend his wife and help her out. I have told him it is my belief that at no time is it appropriate for a man to do this to a woman.

I have since called the wife and told her that I want nothing more to do with her husband unless he apologizes to me. I have told my husband the same and have also told him that I realize they are friends and that our home is his also, but, if the man is coming over, he is to tell me and I will leave. If he comes by unannounced, I will leave. I am confused and very hurt that my husband did not defend me. I feel that by doing nothing he has supported his friend's actions and condoned the ill treatment of me. It has left me with less trust in him, (which is something I must work at achieving with everyone) and it has put distance between the two of us from my feelings. I do not know what to do. His friend is an alcoholic, a coke addict and has next to no responsibility in life. He blames everyone else for everything. He blamed his wife for the situation, just as my husband blamed me. What are your comments, and your evaluation please? - Diana

Dear Diana: You are 100% correct in feeling betrayed and hurt by your husband. Your husband isn't doing his friend any good by emotionally supporting him when the man is an alcoholic and a drug addict. All he is doing is enabling him to continue the addiction. As for defending his friend instead of you, your husband has made his priorities very clear. You are correct when you say, "he has supported his friend's actions and condoned the ill treatment of me." He should have encouraged this man to go home in a taxi as well. There is a saying, "Birds of a feather, flock together." I really feel that there is a major flaw in your husband's character as well as his friend's. As physically abusive as this man was with you, your husband was just as emotionally abusive. A mature and loving husband would never continue being friends with a man who treated his wife like that. He should be standing by your side and demanding an apology as well. He certainly should not be welcome in your home ever again, whether you are home or not. If your husband was a good friend, he would encourage this man to get help and let him know that until he does and is also able to give you a heartfelt apology, there will be no more communication between the two of them.

For most men, chivalry, which is described in the dictionary as "bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women," is instinctive. It is obvious to me that both men are missing this important personality trait. My professional opinion is that you should take a hard stand and make your husband choose between his marriage and contacting this man ever again. I know he'll get mad and think you are unreasonable but this is not something you can compromise on. If you don't do that, how will you feel every time your husband is with this man, either at your home or out together?" Little by little it would destroy the love you have for your husband and eventually ruin your marriage anyway. This was a horrible betrayal and your husband owes you an apology as well. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I've known this man since we were in grade school. His mom and my mom are best friends. We have not seen each other for several years but have kept in contact through phone calls and then emails, especially on each other's birthdays. We live 2 states away from each other but recently met face to face at our 10 year high school reunion. We both felt a strong attraction and had a wonderful weekend catching up on each other's lives. Just to let you know, I'm a single mother of a 10 month old baby girl. He knows that and after giving me a sweet kiss at the end of the night, he said he could see us together in the future and had no problem that I have a child. We kept talking by email but then as the months went by, it seems like he's losing interest. Could it be because we live so far apart? I would just like some feedback on your thoughts on this situation. My mom would love for us to be together, and so would his mother. Any advice would be great. Thanks. - Kelly

Dear Kelly: It may be that after thinking about it, he felt the long distance was too much of an obstacle or that the baby was more than he could handle. Many men that are in their 20's are not ready to settle down with a ready made family. My guess, and that's all it can be is a guess, is that you are not there to kiss him or be in his arms, so if he has the choice of e-mails and phone calls or someone who lives close by that he can have a relationship with, it's just easier to put his relationship with you on hold.

If money and time were no problem, then you or he could fly and see each other every weekend. But since it would be quite expensive to fly or take a great deal of time to drive, it becomes an impossible situation. I am not a fan of long distance relationships, especially in the beginning when you are trying to establish a close bond, because, most of the time, they don't work out.

I'm sure you can see him as a possible husband and father but he may not be ready and doesn't see you as someone he can just have a fling with. Being a single mom with a 10 month old baby is not easy. I assume that you have a job and a good support system where you are and it would be difficult to just pick up and relocate to where he lives. So, I think that he told you what was in his heart at the moment - that he could see both of you together in the future but, unfortunately, not the present. You can continue to keep in touch and value the friendship you have built, but as far as dreaming about him being your future husband and daddy to your daughter, I think that you are just setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment. I know it feels comfortable and familiar to be with someone who you have so much history with but, there is a big difference between keeping in touch a few times a year and sharing your lives for a weekend vs. developing a deep, passionate and loving relationship based on the present experiences you share on a daily basis. You deserve to have a man who loves you with all his heart and soul and don't you dare settle for anything less. You and your daughter deserve that. As for your mom, it is every mother's dream to see her daughter loved and happy. If that could be with her best friend's son, all the more wonderful that dream is. But, in this case, it is better left as a dream. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I will be in the delivery room with my daughter and her husband in about 2 weeks. The problem is that my ex-husband, my daughter's biological dad and his wife (my daughter's step mom for the past 10 years) want to be there as well. I have a lot of resentment toward this woman because she was the reason my husband left me. I have made my peace with my ex and am happily married to a wonderful man who has been an incredible step-dad to my daughter. However, the thought of sharing this moment with this other woman will be more than I can handle. I know she has been part of my daughter's life for a long time but I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't want our first grandchild to be born in a room filled with hostile feelings. What do I say and what do I do to make this an enjoyable experience for my husband instead of the dread that he is feeling? - JoAnn

Dear JoAnn: First of all, the only one that should be in the delivery room when your daughter gives birth is her husband. I feel that this is such a big mistake that so many families make. The moment of birth is such an intense experience. That intimate and personal moment when a child is born, should be just as private as conception is. It should not be a family affair. So, I feel that the entire family should be waiting outside of the delivery room. This day is not about you, your ex, his wife or your husband. This is about making your daughter and her husband feel as comfortable and happy as possible. It is up to the doctor to let the rest of the family know when and how many can come in to see her after she delivers. Your daughter has enough to worry about without being also concerned with everyone else's feelings on the day she is delivering her baby. Let your daughter know that you have had a change of heart and that this really should be a private moment between her and her husband. Then, if she agrees, she should explain the new change of plans to her dad and his wife. She can just say that she and her husband have decided that they will be the only ones in the delivery room and everyone will come in once she gives birth. Hopefully, they will respect her wishes. I believe that your daughter and her husband will be forever grateful if their best interest is on everyone's mind for this one day and all jealousy and resentment is set aside.

As a grandparent myself, I can tell you that there is nothing you have to do or say to make this an enjoyable experience for everyone. The moment each one of you gets to hold the baby in his or her arms, you will be in awe and experience pure joy. Nothing else will matter except the knowledge that you are all holding a miracle in your arms. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 46 yr old man, happily married for the 2nd time. I have 2 adult daughters (20 & 24 yrs old). I have raised them to believe that the children always come first before the marriage and I have not told them "no" often enough. I now realize that this is one of my biggest mistakes. My youngest has been acting peculiar and I'm not sure how to handle it. It is almost as if she has an unhealthy attachment to me, like a girl to her boyfriend. She has made it a habit to tell me every time she goes to the doctor, no matter what it's for (even personal things). She also has told me every time she's sick, even for the sniffles. She has made the statement, "My dad would lay down in front of a moving freight train if he knew one of us was hurting." This behavior went on while I was still married to her mother.

As a Christmas gift to me last year, she wrote a poem stating that the most special love that exists is the love between a daddy and his daughter and framed this with pictures of her and me together. There have also been several instances where she has said that she comes first before my wife and that they should not be on the same playing field in my heart. Last night she told me that she had purchased a frame and put a picture of me with her at her birthday party on her desk at work. She also mentioned that this was her favorite one. This made me uncomfortable and I feel that something needs to be said.

I'm just not sure what it should be. Neither one of my girls has handled my divorce and remarriage well. They have been rude and disrespectful to me and to my new wife. This behavior is affecting my relationship with my new wife. It makes us both uncomfortable and I'd like to stop it before things get any worse. - Perry

Dear Perry: There is nothing unhealthy about a young woman who loves her father with all her heart and believes that he loves her. In fact, from what you described, I know that when the time is right, your daughter will choose a good man who reminds her of you and treats her like a queen. If all women had the relationship your daughter has with you, they would not marry abusive, controlling men. A father's deep love and commitment to his daughter has everything to do with how she expects to be treated later in life. Studies are now showing, for the first time, that a father's love or lack of it, has more of an effect on a daughter's self-esteem and the future choices she makes in men, than a mother's love.

It might be true that right now she may have an unconscious fear that, just like you left your marriage, you may decide to cut her out of your life as well. So, she may be going out of her way to let you know how much you mean to her because she doesn't want to lose her Dad like her mom lost him. A little extra assurance on your part is definitely needed and not a lecture about how you need to distance yourself from her because she is making you feel uncomfortable.

I am not sure if these are really your true feelings or you have been influenced by your new wife. It is very common for a new wife to feel threatened and jealous of the relationship her husband has with his biological children. Sometimes it includes the ex wife as well, although it doesn't sound like that is an issue for you.

I hope that you will be strong enough to take a stand and not allow your new marriage to undermine your role as a loving, giving and caring father. The fact that your daughter feels comfortable telling you about her life and gave you such a beautiful Christmas gift means you are a GREAT DAD!!! I cannot imagine why you are turning your incredible relationship into something ugly except to appease your wife.

As for their rudeness to you and your wife, that is a separate issue and should not be tolerated under any circumstances. You should sit down with both daughters and explain that the love a father feels for a woman is very different than the love he feels for his daughter. One is not better or deeper, they are simply different. You need to tell them that you understand how painful this divorce was on everyone but that rude and disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated. I believe that if you let them know how much that hurts you, you will get a positive reaction from them. I think that based on the open relationship you have, it would take only one heart to heart conversation from you, letting them know what you expect of them and what the consequences for bad behavior will be. Right now your youngest daughter is competing with your wife for your love. You will have to tell both women that you will continue loving them with all your heart and there is enough love for both of them. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: The CEO of our company does all the hiring and firing. A month ago he hired a woman who will be my partner on a 6 month project starting in June. She is a very attractive woman, not married, about 10 years younger than I am (I am 46) and the few times we met, we get along really well. Here is my problem. I do not know how to approach my wife and therefore have postponed telling her about this woman. My wife is a very jealous person. If I tell her that I have a new female project partner, the first question she will ask is, "Is she pretty?" If I say, "No" I'll be lying and if I say, "Yes," I will be drilled every single day. I have never done anything to make my wife jealous. She and my 2 teenage daughters are my life. How do you suggest that I handle this? - George

Dear George: It's very normal for a wife to feel a little jealous of anyone that is going to be spending a great deal of time with the person she loves. When you work with the same person day in and day out, in many cases, you are spending more time with your WORKING partner than you are with your LOVING partner. Over time it is possible to develop a special bond which many women would feel threatened by.

It is important to understand that the reason you are able to form such a close bond, is that you are in a very controlled environment. There are no children to deal with, relatives, friends and money problems. There are just two adults with shared professional goals, spending quality time with each other.

I want you to keep in mind a very important principle that I have always taught men in your situation. "The happier you are with your home life, the more productive you are at work." Always make your spouse feel like she is your #1 priority. Not only should you tell your spouse as soon as possible, but she should meet this woman as well. Once she feels comfortable with her, your wife will feel less threatened. If I were you I would tell your wife that you would like to have her meet your new project partner and either invite her over for a barbecue, or go out to dinner and have your spouse get to know her. As for the little things you can do to make your wife feel more secure:

1) When you leave in the morning make sure you put on your wedding ring. If it has gotten too small, buy another one.

2) Make sure you have a picture of your wife and daughters in your office.

3) When your work is done, don't socialize after hours. If you do, always include your mate.

4) No cell phone calls to your home after hours. You must be able to set boundaries and not have your work time interfere with your personal and private time with your wife and children.

5) Always leave a phone number where you can be reached and tell the secretary that she should always put your wife through.

6) Set aside 30 minutes each day to talk to your wife about each other's day so that you are not two strangers living together.

7) Make sure that you and your wife have a date night once a week that does not include children, friends or relatives. It is just for the two of you.

8) Work hard with your project partner but have fun and love passionately with your "life" partner.

- Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I work together running our own swimming pool company. It is a very stressful, fast paced business on the east coast, since there are limited months to use your pool. Anyway, my husband talks to me in a very disrespectful, rude and degrading tone. It's not all the time, but, it's a lot of the time and more so with work related issues.

I used to work with him years ago before our kids and we used to fight and blow up at each other all the time. He would get me soooo mad that I just felt like punching him in the face to show him how much he hurts me. We had kids and also hired someone for the office.

After 2 years, I am back working with him. Since then, I have been put on medication for some night time anxiety. I seem to handle working with him 100% better now than I did in years past but, he is still the same. I try to tell him to just calm down and talk to me about it but, that never seems to work. Please help me figure a way to get him to respect me and talk to me like I am a person and more importantly, his wife. - Beth

Dear Beth: Either you work well with each other or you don't. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You have already experienced the fact that you do not work well with each other. If you want to keep your marriage, I suggest that you get a job somewhere else and let him hire someone he can have control over. After all these years, your husband is the same man. You couldn't work with him before the children and you can't work with him years later. Nothing has changed.

If he hires a high school graduate, someone he can train and tell exactly what to do, you can be there when he comes home and complains about his work. You too, can discuss the problems you are having with your employer because it's no longer a personal attack on each other. The way you are going right now, your marriage is headed for disaster. In case you are going to use the excuse that you can't afford to hire someone, my response is, the way things are right now between you two, you can't afford not to take yourself off the payroll. Divorce is going to be a lot more expensive and will emotionally devastate your children. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I work together running our own swimming pool company. It is a very stressful, fast paced business on the east coast, since there are limited months to use your pool. Anyway, my husband talks to me in a very disrespectful, rude and degrading tone. It's not all the time, but, it's a lot of the time and more so with work related issues.

I used to work with him years ago before our kids and we used to fight and blow up at each other all the time. He would get me soooo mad that I just felt like punching him in the face to show him how much he hurts me. We had kids and also hired someone for the office.

After 2 years, I am back working with him. Since then, I have been put on medication for some night time anxiety. I seem to handle working with him 100% better now than I did in years past but, he is still the same. I try to tell him to just calm down and talk to me about it but, that never seems to work. Please help me figure a way to get him to respect me and talk to me like I am a person and more importantly, his wife. - Beth

Dear Beth: Either you work well with each other or you don't. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You have already experienced the fact that you do not work well with each other. If you want to keep your marriage, I suggest that you get a job somewhere else and let him hire someone he can have control over. After all these years, your husband is the same man. You couldn't work with him before the children and you can't work with him years later. Nothing has changed.

If he hires a high school graduate, someone he can train and tell exactly what to do, you can be there when he comes home and complains about his work. You too, can discuss the problems you are having with your employer because it's no longer a personal attack on each other. The way you are going right now, your marriage is headed for disaster. In case you are going to use the excuse that you can't afford to hire someone, my response is, the way things are right now between you two, you can't afford not to take yourself off the payroll. Divorce is going to be a lot more expensive and will emotionally devastate your children. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been the primary care-giver for my husband's aunt for the last two years. She died last month and her daughters just gave me a check for $10,000.00.They stressed that the money is for me to do with what I want. I also will be getting another check for the same amount when her house sells.

I believe the reason it was stressed that the money should be for me is two-fold. First, my aunt and I were very close. Even though she was technically my husband's aunt, she was more like mine and I was the one who was there for her. Secondly, when my husband and I separated 2 1/2 years ago, he stayed with this aunt. When he came back home, he just told her he was leaving and never really made any attempt to go visit or help her out. I know from what she said that she was very hurt by this.

Dr. Ellen, I owed $4,500.00 on a charge that my husband wasn't aware of (it's for my business). My husband and I owed an old counselor $2,000.00. I had just borrowed $1,500.00 from my dad to do things around the house. I paid off my charge; I'm sending the money to the counselor, paying back my dad and tithing $1,000.00. That leaves $1,000.00 which I'm using for a business conference.

Do I need to tell my husband about the $$$? He probably wouldn't be happy about what I owed on the charge. I'm sure he'll be fine with everything else. I just don't know if I want to rock the boat. But I also feel like I'm deceiving him by not telling him. So, you have any advice for me? Thank you and blessings. - Reba

Dear Reba: As for your dilemma, I wish you had asked for my advice before you went ahead and spent the money. I believe that when two people are married, they have an obligation to make joint decisions on major issues. Certainly, $20,000 qualifies as a major issue. I don't blame your husband for getting very upset when he finds this out after the fact. You feel like you are deceiving him because you are!

It's really hard for me to understand why you wouldn't consider this check to belong to both of you, regardless of what your aunt's daughters said to you. I really don't know how you are going to present this to him, but you are definitely going to rock the boat, no matter what you say. I believe in the saying, "The truth shall set you free" but in this case the truth is going to cause havoc in your marriage. I feel that the alternative is worse. The person who keeps the secret is always the one who ends up suffering the most. My advice is to admit what you did and tell him that the next $10,000 will be used any way he feels it should. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My problem isn't about my marriage so I hope you can still give me a little advice. It's about my mom. I arrived at her house to pickup my children and her current boyfriend came out of her bedroom ranting & raving about money. He was screaming at the top of his lungs and just acting crazy. Let me just add that this man has a severe drinking problem and drinks 24/7. When I told him to quit yelling, he started yelling at me. My mom was sitting on the chair, begging him to leave but he wouldn't. So, I called 911 and had him removed from her house. She was grateful for that.

Well, 2 weeks later he calls her and tells her how he was going to change and promises her that he will apologize to her children and everything will be ok. They go out that night and he excused himself to go to the restroom. A little while later he still hadn't come back to the table so mom starts asking where he went and they tell her he had left. She gets a ride home and he is there in her house in the tub, passed out with the water about to run over onto the floor. She turns it off and goes into her room to change clothes. He jumps up out of the tub and starts ranting & raving again, but this time he is hitting her and pushing her. He holds her down on the bed and spits in her face. She tries to call 911 again and he takes the phone away from her and calls them himself. Well they come and take both my mom and him to jail because they couldn't determine the true victim.

To end this whole story, my brothers and I get her out and she promised us that she was done with him and she wasn't going to put herself through that again. Last night my brother called to tell me that she went out with him again. My question is how should I handle this? My brothers want me to be the one to say something but I just don't know what to say. - Katie

Dear Katie: As a child, it is very difficult to have to assume the role of a parent with your own mother but that is exactly what you will have to do. First of all, you are putting your own children in extreme danger by having them stay in a home where a man is verbally and physically abusive. You cannot allow that to happen again.

Your mom has extremely low-self esteem and must not feel that she is worthy of having a man treat her and her children with dignity and respect. In her heart, she believes that she doesn't deserve any better. We teach other people how we want to be treated and she has to set the bar much higher. You and your brothers are going to have force her to do that by making her choose between her children and this abusive relationship.

All of you should confront her together. Arrange for a time for all of you to go her house. Do not bring any spouses or children with you. Sit your mom down and here is what you say, "You have to choose between the love you have for us and this man. We love you and want you to be in all of our lives but we can no longer allow that if you are going to have any type of relationship with a man who treats you so disrespectfully. If you choose us, then we are all going down to the police department together and filing a report and issue a restraining order on him. If you choose him, we don't want to have any contact with you whatsoever. Our relationship with you will be OVER!!"

Now, if you can all be great actors and she really believes you, I'll bet that she chooses her kids. This is called tough love for a parent! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 40 year old mother of 6 and grandma of one! I have just met the most wonderful man who is 24 years old. We get along really well. We dance together. We have dinner together and we just clicked the moment I met him. The question for you is, do you think he is too young for me? Do I sound like one of those ladies that seem dirty or desperate because they can't get someone their own age? Also, my oldest daughter is 22.

Then there is my mom and step-dad who really want me to find someone of our faith. I am not attracted to anyone else and I am being pulled in a lot of ways. I'm confused about this. Should I find someone who I am not interested in and has the same faith or should I follow my heart and try to make it work with a man with whom I have a lot of things in common? The only thing I really think about is that this younger man he will want kids of his own some day and I don't want any more children. My youngest is 5 years old. I went through two breakups in 20 years and I finally want to be happy. I think I found that someone. What should I do? - Rhonda

Dear Rhonda: You do not sound like one of those ladies that seem dirty or desperate because they can't get someone their own age. In Hollywood, it has always been acceptable to read about the romances of older men with younger women. For example, Michael Douglas, who is 60 years old, is married to Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is 34. That is a 26 year age difference. The latest couple to make the headlines is Tom Cruise, who is 42 and Katie Holmes, who is 26.

There was a time when it wasn't acceptable for women to be with much younger men. For the longest time, no matter how much we praised ourselves for giving equal rights to women, when it came to dating there was always a different attitude. While men have had the freedom to choose a woman of any age, women were expected to date men in their own age group. Not anymore! May/December romances are on the rise. I did some research. Now we are starting to see many older women with younger men. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are just a few examples of longer lasting relationships. A couple who is now withstanding the test of time is Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. They met when he was 25 and she was 41. I could go on and on with other examples. I believe that you should embrace love wherever you find it. If there are two consenting adults who have enough in common and feel an emotional, physical and spiritual connection, I say, go for it!

However, in your case, you have a problem that is much bigger than age. I always feel that for many people, religion and children are deal breakers. At some point, before this gets too serious, you need to discuss these two major concerns. If that can't be worked out, then you should definitely move on because it will only lead to heartache down the road. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My father died three years ago. My husband and I paid for a lot of the funeral expenses because my parents did not plan well and my mother had nothing to pay with. I have an older sister who is married, but they borrowed $100 from my mother, the day dad died, so her husband could wear a jacket at the funeral. When I got a call from the cemetery just three months ago, I was shocked and very embarrassed to find out that mom had never paid the rest of the funeral expenses. The cemetery gave her mercy and said she could pay it gradually for the entire two person crypt (in a mausoleum). It's considered property, so she would have to pay off the entire bill to own the property of both crypts. I called my sister and she said mother had also left them with a $1500 cell bill. Mother stays on the phone with her clients but has never been paid for her time or work. She moved in with my husband and I and she added a lot of stress to our home. She is used to being queen bee so to speak and hates it when I challenge her to do something else with her life. All she ever talks about is what she is doing and never has taken an interest in our kids or my husband, NEVER. Every time I sit with her quietly and kindly ask her to be a productive member of my already 6 person home, she has left me very upset and moved in with my sister and her husband, who have 2 teens. They never make waves and always make her feel welcome, despite the cell problems that is now ruining their credit. They act scared of her anger/fits and the threat to ignore them. Mom came back to my home after 18 months. She ruined her computer (we had to listen to her complain constantly about this) so my husband bought her a laptop for Mother's Day and she still complains about everything, including her new lap top.

We finally told her last Wed, she had one week to get a job. She needed to contribute to her own bills as well as the 12 month payment plan the cemetery set up. This new bill is going to be a burden for my husband and I, but this is my father and either we pay it or they will move him out. She said she would do everything she could to help with the payments and get herself a job (she has said this many times before, but always bolted to a family member's home and ignored me and my kids for each of their birthdays and holidays). Well you guessed it, the day before she was to have met the deadline, she started a fight with me and I told her it was hard to live with her sitting around all day playing games on her computer and not helping out. She seems to want to do my house work, but I have refused to allow her to take my job and force me out to get a job to solve her problems. So, she bolted again. This time she is at a friend's house, someone that sympathizes with her problems and how we treat her. She left it with my husband to solve her problems once again. What do I do? Do I call her and remind her of this bill? Do I make nice when I ever talk to her again and leave her alone until she can pay? Do I start asking her 4 sisters to talk to her about this problem and get intervention? I just don't know what to do here. I have tried to understand and be kind. I know this is hard on her to be alone, but she isn't alone. She says she hates being a taker, but does nothing to change this. Yes, I am hurt beyond words. My kids are going to pay the price for her moving out and not talking to any of us. Last time this happened, it was 18 months before I reached out to HER and acted like it never happened. I am going to have to get a job and solve this. For as long as I can remember she has reached out to the lost, hungry and down trodden. But she has really never acted that same way with me or her grandkids. Can you give me some advice? - Laura

Dear Laura: The sooner you realize that your mother will never get a job, never pay her bills, never recognize your children's birthdays and never contribute financially wherever she is staying, the sooner you can be at peace. The best indication for predicting future behavior is to look at past behavior. At her age, she isn't going to undergo a complete transformation because of a phone call from you. All that will do is make you spend wasted energy.

Having said that, she is your mother and the only one you will ever have. I'm sure that she never pictured the later years of her life, alone and penniless. Because she was such a giving person to others, she just assumed that when the time came, she would somehow be taken care of. If you had said that she was mentally or physically handicapped, then I would feel that it was your duty to either take care of her or make sure she is taken care of. But the fact that she has a bright mind (otherwise she would not have customers as well as be able to play games on a computer) and has to be physically in pretty good condition if she wanted to do your housework, leads me to believe that your duty is to help her move on with her life. I would have suggested a month instead of a week for a deadline but based on what you wrote, I believe that the outcome would have been the same.

I definitely think that you need to sit down with your sister and make some decisions regarding the financial obligations of your dad's funeral and the future of your mother. You will be faced with the same financial burden when her time comes. I believe in writing letters. Most people can tune out what you say because they are thinking of what they want to say instead. But a letter is hard to ignore. Your voice gets heard and it's very therapeutic for you. Let your mom know how much you love her and you do understand how unprepared she was for all of this. Tell her that if you were well off financially, none of this would be a problem because you could take care of all her needs. But since that is not the case, for either you or your sister, you need her to contribute to the household expenses, while she still can, if she is going to live with either of you. At the very least, she can't run up a cell phone bill and ruin someone's credit. Leave the door open and let her know that you do want her to be part of your life no matter what but if she is going to live with you, she has to abide by your rules. Let her know how her grandchildren are affected by her leaving so abruptly.

Along with what is expected of her, I would also include what you are willing to do. For example, it may be hard for her to collect money from her clients but you or your husband can be the bad guys and contact all of them to let them know that they have a deadline to pay for her time and work or she won't be doing it anymore. If your mother has not worked for someone else, it's pretty intimidating to go job hunting. So, you can tell her that you are willing to help her find a job. If she is willing to do housework, there are plenty of families who are looking for live-in help for their children along with some light housework. This way she would have a place to stay and still get paid for her work. Once you send the letter with all of your feelings in writing, the ball will be in her court. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 22 years old and I have been married for almost two years to a man who is 5 years older than me and has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now almost six years old. His daughter lives with her real mother but we see her every Tuesday and Thursday and she stays with us every weekend. We get along good for the most part and I am trying to love her whole heartedly, but there is no real connection there and every time I see her I think of her real mother who is a major piece of work, but that is beside the point.

I seem to be doing the right thing with her because she has asked me twice now if she could call me mom. The first time she asked it was about a year ago and I said of course but later found out it wasn't the right thing to say because when she went home she mentioned something to her real mother and she was livid. She was told by her real mother that she was not allowed to call me mom. Then she asked me again yesterday if she could call me mom and I responded by saying that she would need to talk to her father about that. My husband was out of the room at the time but I told him what had happened and he went to her and asked if she did indeed ask me and she said yes. He asked her how she felt about it and she said good.

My question to you is, do you think she is asking again to get a rise out of her real mother or because she wants me to be more motherly? And most important...should the decision for a child to call their step-mom "mom", be the real mother's decision, our decision, or the child's decision? -And is it worth fighting for with the real mom? - Fran

Dear Fran: You are mature beyond your years! I have no doubt that this little girl is so lucky to have you in her life and so is your husband. When I am out with my grandchildren, who are still very young, they get a kick out someone referring to me as their mom. They have each asked me if they could call me "mommy" when they are at my house. My answer is, "No", you have a mommy.

I realize that there is a big difference between being a grandmother and being a step-mom. However, I don't believe that the title makes any difference and the important thing is how comfortable and loved she feels with you. That's why she wants to call you "mom". I do think you would start a war with your husband's ex and as the child got older, it would affect your relationship with her.

What I would do is sit her down and say, "I've thought about you calling me "mom" and as much as I would love that, you already have a mom, so we need to think up another special name to call me." Many people have their stepchildren refer to them by using their first name and putting "mommy" in front of it. So you would be "Mommy Fran." If that would still make his ex uncomfortable, you could try out some cute nicknames and come up with a special one. Even if you agreed to let her call you "mom" when she's young, as she got older and especially into her teens, she would be uncomfortable referring to you as her mom. I also don't think it would be right to introduce her as your daughter because you haven't legally adopted her. You would probably say, "This is my stepdaughter."

So, to answer your question, I think that when a mom or a dad is actively involved in a child's life, like her mom is, a child should refer to his step-mom or step-dad by another term of endearment. - Dr. Ellen

His Family is Causing Problems in Our Marriage

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband is part of a large family. He has two brothers and one sister. Every Friday night his parents have a Friday night dinner where his grandparents, brothers, sister and kids all come. They want us to attend every dinner. There is also a once a month Sunday dinner. Everything is always at my husband's parent's house and they live 45 minutes from us. His older brother lives maybe 5 minutes from them and goes to everything. My husband and I have 2 children of our own. My problem is that there is too much of his family stuff. If his mom hasn't seen us for a week or so will start laying on the guilt about how she misses us. If she misses us so much why not drive the 45 minutes to our house? I'm fed up!! My husband's mother is trying to control him and in doing so, control me. My husband works Mon-Fri from 5:30 am to 6:30 pm and I barely see him. I'm his wife, and our kids miss him. I'm tired of hearing from him that his mom is not trying to manipulate him, that she just misses him so much. I love my mom and when she misses me she comes to our house. Please help. - Sylvia

Dear Sylvia: It's hard for me to believe that this is a shock to you to find out that you were marrying into a close knit family. I am sure that your husband participated in these Friday night dinners when he first began dating you. You had to have known what you were getting yourself into, right from the start. I am sure that your children (depending on their ages) love the commotion of seeing their cousins, nieces, and nephews. Also, you don't have to prepare for the dinner, nor do you have to clean up after everyone because it's at your mother-in-law's house, not yours. It would take you at least 45 minutes to do that on your own. What you should be concentrating on is how lucky you are to have such a family oriented husband who is not out with the guys, drinking every Friday night but instead, wants to see his family.

I believe that when you have so many generations and family members getting together once a week in order to eat and socialize, you are surrounding yourself with a lot of support and love. I believe that your children's lives are richer and fuller because of it. Depending on you attitude, you can make your husband feel proud and excited about his family and their love for one another, or you can make him feel ashamed and embarrassed that he still wants to see them on a weekly basis. I believe that you should be doing the former. Getting together as a family and having that sense of belonging is not something we practice in our country but it is the norm in other parts of the world. In other countries, building a family history is important - it contributes to a sense of belonging and connectedness that supports the stability of the individual, the family and society as a whole. It is something that should be practiced here in America, but instead everyone is caught up in their own rush of life.

Your husband's grandparents are not going to be around much longer and what a blessing for your children to have such a large gathering every Friday evening. There are many people who are orphans or have strained family relationships that would trade places with you in a heartbeat. I'm sure that you will find many people who will see it through your eyes. However, I get hundreds of emails from women whose husband's have finally distanced themselves from their marriages because they are sick and tired of being caught in the middle of the two women they love most in this world. The men have told me that it eventually gets to be exhausting and they feel torn in half. I want you to know that I do believe in the saying, "A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son till he gets a wife." I agree that your husband's allegiance is to you and you should be his first priority. My point is just to open your eyes and have you look at this as a positive experience instead of a negative one. If you keep going down the path you've chosen, you will not achieve your ultimate goal, which is to be closer to your husband. He will resent you in the long run for keeping him from the family ritual. You need to ask yourself, "If we go once a month or every couple of months and he has to endure his mom's disappointment (which will not change), is my husband going to love me more and feel closer and more connected to me? One of the questions I always ask a woman is, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be loved? - Dr. Ellen