Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I work at the same company but on different shifts. Recently, my husband was told by someone he works with that I have cheated on him. I don't know you and you don't know me so I have no reason to lie. I've never in all of the years we have been married, cheated on my husband. The person who did this told my husband that she saw me coming out of someone's house on a street that I am not even familiar with. Then he said that when he mentioned this to a few more people, they all said, and I quote, "They suspected something of the sort." I guess my question is, how does a person prove they're innocent about something they've never done. I'm innocent but if I were in my husband's shoes, I think I would believe it too, if two or more people are saying it. He refuses to let me confront these individuals to get to the truth. I'm not worried about what they're saying because God knows and I know it's not true but what does upset me is my husband believes it. I've been with this man for years and he can't even give me the benefit of the doubt? He just continues to believe some people who are spreading a bunch of lies. I think, no, I know, I deserve better. I can't be with a man that can't trust me or vice versa. I feel marriage is about trust and sometimes your are put to the test. My husband is failing miserably. Some people see you happy, loving one other and they can't handle it. They have to drive a wedge between you. How can I prove that I'm innocent when he won't tell me who's saying such awful things? - Carrie

Dear Carrie: You are 100% correct in that marriage is about trust. If you can't trust your spouse, who in the world can you trust? There is something very wrong with your marriage if, you too, would trust a group of people instead of your husband. If someone accused me or my husband of being unfaithful or committing a terrible crime, we would trust each other completely and not care if the entire world said we were guilty. The fact that this is happening to you means you really have to ask yourself a very hard question, "Why would I stay with a man who takes another person's word over mine?" You are right, I don't know you or your husband, but there is absolutely no reason for you to write to me if you were guilty. How dare your husband treat you with such disrespect and not defend your honor!! One of the things I teach men is that every woman needs a man who will defend her against anyone who dishonors her in any way. And then to add insult to injury, he has the nerve to keep you from knowing who said these things. There is either something very wrong with your husband's allegiance or he's lying to you and made this up himself.

Many times when someone accuses another person of being unfaithful or untrustworthy, or lying, it is a sign that they themselves are that way. If he accuses you of lying, it's because he lies. If he accuses you of looking at another man, it's because he looks at other women. If he is accusing you of being unfaithful, it's because he is unfaithful. We always see others through our own actions. He is projecting his own faults and shortcomings onto you. We teach others how we want to be treated and you need to raise the bar.

You asked me how you can prove that you are innocent. The answer is that you can't. All you have is your word. If that is not good enough for your husband, you certainly cannot stay in a marriage where you are being punished for something you never did." So, here is what you say to your husband. "I have repeatedly told you that I am not having an affair. I will not continue repeating this over and over. You can take the next 24 hours and decide whether you believe me or not. If you choose to believe other people and their word means more to you than mine, then we will have to separate. I will not continue to be punished for something I didn't do. I don't care if 1000 people tell you that I have been unfaithful. After all these years, you should know me well enough to defend my reputation. It should be you and I against the world and not you and the world against me." If he continues the accusations, you'll have to make arrangements to leave. Under no circumstances should you allow him back in your life until he is willing to confront this person in front of you. You deserve that! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen,

I'm in a situation that is causing me concern, and I would love your input. My husband is an electrician and for the last three months he has been on a huge remodel job. To get to the point, the woman of the home has fallen "in infatuation" with him, and has made it very clear in many different ways, one of which was a very blatant email saying basically that she was in love with him. My husband of 24 years wrote back and said he was married to the love of his life, and if her feelings were going to be a problem, he would pick up his tools the next day and be done. She quickly rallied, feigning misconception in the way the email was taken, and wanted him to stay on the job. The main problem here is that we could use the money, and my husband loves the job and would like to see it to the end. He said things got back in line for a while, but now it is headed down the same path; over enthusiastic about how he feels, baking goodies, leaving gifts, etc. I told my husband last night that it is making me very uncomfortable and that the next time she leaves a gift for him (we both feel quite sure she is singling him out, not including gifts for all the other subcontractors) would he please tell her he can't accept it unless she is doing the same thing for all the other guys. He said he would. My question is, how far do we let this go? She seems to be weaseling in every way she can to keep him in her sights, and it's driving me nuts. I would actually go and talk with her, but I don't want to sabotage this job for my husband. I do plan to let her know how I feel once the job is over however. I can be an adult here, no screaming or biting, just firm concise words to tell her I don't appreciate this. Your input please -Janet

Dear Janet,

First I want to tell you what a wonderful, honest, and committed husband you have. Most men would not tell their wives that another woman was flirting with them. I also know that you must be a very loving and secure woman because he feels safe telling you the truth about a touchy situation.

I see absolutely no reason for you to sabotage this job or any future one because he is dealing with a difficult woman. If you confront her after the job is done, she will only deny any wrong doing and blame your husband for leading her on. Think about the morals of a woman who would continue pursuing a man who is happily married and has told her so. Do you really think that will stop her from doing this to the next contractor or she will give you a full hearted apology? Your husband will need her as a reference for the next job. The best thing he could do is to continue acting as professional as he can, get a written recommendation from her and then move on when he is done. I'm sure your husband has dealt with many difficult people in his line of work and quitting has never been an option. It shouldn't be one now. The last thing he needs is a law suit because he didn't finish the job!

You can use this situation to your benefit and tell your husband how much you appreciate and admire him for letting you know what this woman is doing. This truly is a testament to how solid and strong your marriage is.

When most people tell me that an affair just happened, I always remind them that they knew the exact moment when they or the other person crossed over the line. I am sure that your husband is a very friendly man who makes people feel comfortable and at ease around him. I have had many wonderful conversations with electricians, plumbers, painters and general contractors. When you are in someone's home day in and day out, you get to know them and develop a friendship. This lonely, bored woman mistook that for something more. Even worse, she may know exactly what she is doing and is simply using her money and power to try and lure your husband. She may feel powerless with her own husband or ex-husband (you didn't mention if she was married or not) or her father and so she uses her sexuality as a means of power and controlling men. Many times, a woman who has experienced abuse or neglect gets great joy in messing with a man's head. She makes declarations of love and tells him that she has never felt this way before. Next she gets great satisfaction in ruining his marriage and his life. Then when she has achieved what she wants, she moves on to the next man.

So I think it is very appropriate for your husband to tell her that he is uncomfortable accepting anything that can't be shared with the other men and keep his conversations with her as brief and polite as possible. He doesn't need to hurt her anymore than she is already hurting. He has handled it quite well so far and his instincts have been right on the money. So, if I were you I would reward him for telling you the truth by giving him the love, admiration and appreciation he deserves. Paul Newman was asked if he was ever tempted to have an affair. He answered by saying, "Why would I have a hamburger outside when I can have steak at home!"

Dear Dr. Ellen: Two and a half years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. At the time, I was 53 and she was 52. I should have listened to my gut and lived on the principle of being long on courtship, short on engagement, but I did not. I should have been in her presence at least a year before I gave her an expensive engagement ring. I gave her an engagement ring after only three months of dating. From the moment I gave her the ring, the relationship began to deteriorate. For the next year, I tried to save the relationship, my dignity, and my respect. Unfortunately, I gave her the ring on Labor Day weekend of 2002 and she was dating someone else by June of 2003. I found out about her new relationship on Labor Day weekend of 2003 from a third party. She never told me that she was dating anyone else (we lived some 85 miles apart). I knew we were having problems, but I guess she could not bring herself to telling me until I found out from someone else.

So, in essence, we broke up and the engagement was off. I asked for my things back (clothes, treadmill, vacuum cleaner, etc. and the $8,000 engagement ring). She replied that she was not giving anything back, that she had earned the ring, and I could take her to court to get the other things back. At the time of the breakup, I was embarrassed and heart broken. I did not pursue anything at that time because I was beaten down and weak and I surely did not want her or anyone else to see me in that state. Only after working very hard with a counselor, did I learn that there were many red flags in the relationship that I had ignored. She drank every night and she was probably an alcoholic. She did not throw things and all that, but in the end I am sure that I absorbed a lot of emotional abuse. Well, by the time the relationship was over, my self esteem was shot.

I have worked very hard to overcome this relationship and reestablish my worth and self-esteem. The last question I have before the 3 year statue of limitations runs out in my state is, Should I have an attorney send her a letter requesting the ring back? Or should I just let bygones be bygones and considered myself lucky that I did not marry her? I guess this is the last piece of the puzzle for me to finally deal with. No, I have not been in a serious relationship since, but I do now have many opportunities being presented, and I want to be free of this last relationship and this last detail, so I can finally move on.

I guess I just hear that the admirable thing for a lady to do when an engagement breaks up is to give the ring back. I realize now that this person I was with, does not fit the model of an admirable lady. So, Dr. Ellen, do I once and for all bury this bump in the road and not say any more about the ring, or do I pursue the recapture of the ring through the legal system? - Greg

Dear Greg: I think that if you ask most men who wind up marrying a woman like this, if they could have paid $8,000 to prevent that from happening, they would have considered it a bargain! Believe it or not, you are a very lucky man to find out before it was too late. This woman lacks moral fiber and character. Many state courts allow lawsuits by the ring-giver to retrieve the ring. Most courts interpret the ring as a gift, but a conditional one, based on a promise to marry. Once that promise is broken, the court may decide that the conditions of the gift were not met, and so the ring must be returned. I think if a judge heard your side of the story and you could prove that she was dating someone else at the time of your engagement, he or she would rule that the ring be given back. However, if you drag this through the courts, a judge will be hearing her side of the story and my guess is that she would have a completely different account of what happened. I can only imagine what she could dream up in her head to make a judge sympathize with her. You sound like such a good man and I truly do not think you are going to be any match for a woman like this. Do you really think that after 2 ½ years, she has kept your ring for sentimental reasons? She has probably sold it in order to support her drinking habit.

We only have so much energy and I think you would be wasting yours in a very negative way. Eight thousand dollars is a lot of money, but by the time you paid the attorney, took time off from work to appear in court, and had many hours of mental anguish, I think you would be sorry that you forced yourself to relive this terrible time in your life. She is not going to agree to give it back because she receives a letter from an attorney. She will fight you all the way and the burden of proving that she was unfaithful will be up to you. That will mean hiring a detective to gather the proof.

I have been personally been involved in only one law suit. It was against a doctor who was negligent. When it was his turn to defend himself, he lied and falsified his records. I was in shock. In the end, I lost and my attorney turned to me and said, “Did your really think that he would tell the truth?” Of course, I thought he would tell the truth under oath. I could not imagine anyone not doing that. Greg, if this woman was capable of emotionally abusing you and ruining your self-esteem in such a short period of time, can you imagine what she is capable of doing when there is a large sum of money that needs to be returned? When you find the woman of your dreams, you can take the money you would have spent fighting this woman and go on a wonderful honeymoon. - Dr. Ellen