Dear Dr. Ellen,

I'm in a situation that is causing me concern, and I would love your input. My husband is an electrician and for the last three months he has been on a huge remodel job. To get to the point, the woman of the home has fallen "in infatuation" with him, and has made it very clear in many different ways, one of which was a very blatant email saying basically that she was in love with him. My husband of 24 years wrote back and said he was married to the love of his life, and if her feelings were going to be a problem, he would pick up his tools the next day and be done. She quickly rallied, feigning misconception in the way the email was taken, and wanted him to stay on the job. The main problem here is that we could use the money, and my husband loves the job and would like to see it to the end. He said things got back in line for a while, but now it is headed down the same path; over enthusiastic about how he feels, baking goodies, leaving gifts, etc. I told my husband last night that it is making me very uncomfortable and that the next time she leaves a gift for him (we both feel quite sure she is singling him out, not including gifts for all the other subcontractors) would he please tell her he can't accept it unless she is doing the same thing for all the other guys. He said he would. My question is, how far do we let this go? She seems to be weaseling in every way she can to keep him in her sights, and it's driving me nuts. I would actually go and talk with her, but I don't want to sabotage this job for my husband. I do plan to let her know how I feel once the job is over however. I can be an adult here, no screaming or biting, just firm concise words to tell her I don't appreciate this. Your input please -Janet

Dear Janet,

First I want to tell you what a wonderful, honest, and committed husband you have. Most men would not tell their wives that another woman was flirting with them. I also know that you must be a very loving and secure woman because he feels safe telling you the truth about a touchy situation.

I see absolutely no reason for you to sabotage this job or any future one because he is dealing with a difficult woman. If you confront her after the job is done, she will only deny any wrong doing and blame your husband for leading her on. Think about the morals of a woman who would continue pursuing a man who is happily married and has told her so. Do you really think that will stop her from doing this to the next contractor or she will give you a full hearted apology? Your husband will need her as a reference for the next job. The best thing he could do is to continue acting as professional as he can, get a written recommendation from her and then move on when he is done. I'm sure your husband has dealt with many difficult people in his line of work and quitting has never been an option. It shouldn't be one now. The last thing he needs is a law suit because he didn't finish the job!

You can use this situation to your benefit and tell your husband how much you appreciate and admire him for letting you know what this woman is doing. This truly is a testament to how solid and strong your marriage is.

When most people tell me that an affair just happened, I always remind them that they knew the exact moment when they or the other person crossed over the line. I am sure that your husband is a very friendly man who makes people feel comfortable and at ease around him. I have had many wonderful conversations with electricians, plumbers, painters and general contractors. When you are in someone's home day in and day out, you get to know them and develop a friendship. This lonely, bored woman mistook that for something more. Even worse, she may know exactly what she is doing and is simply using her money and power to try and lure your husband. She may feel powerless with her own husband or ex-husband (you didn't mention if she was married or not) or her father and so she uses her sexuality as a means of power and controlling men. Many times, a woman who has experienced abuse or neglect gets great joy in messing with a man's head. She makes declarations of love and tells him that she has never felt this way before. Next she gets great satisfaction in ruining his marriage and his life. Then when she has achieved what she wants, she moves on to the next man.

So I think it is very appropriate for your husband to tell her that he is uncomfortable accepting anything that can't be shared with the other men and keep his conversations with her as brief and polite as possible. He doesn't need to hurt her anymore than she is already hurting. He has handled it quite well so far and his instincts have been right on the money. So, if I were you I would reward him for telling you the truth by giving him the love, admiration and appreciation he deserves. Paul Newman was asked if he was ever tempted to have an affair. He answered by saying, "Why would I have a hamburger outside when I can have steak at home!"