Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 46 yr old man, happily married for the 2nd time.
I have 2 adult daughters (20 & 24 yrs old). I have raised them to
believe that the children always come first before the marriage and I
have not told them "no" often enough. I now realize that this is one of
my biggest mistakes. My youngest has been acting peculiar and I'm not
sure how to handle it. It is almost as if she has an unhealthy
attachment to me, like a girl to her boyfriend. She has made it a habit
to tell me every time she goes to the doctor, no matter what it's for
(even personal things). She also has told me every time she's sick, even
for the sniffles. She has made the statement, "My dad would lay down in
front of a moving freight train if he knew one of us was hurting." This
behavior went on while I was still married to her mother.
As a Christmas gift to me last year, she wrote a poem stating that the
most special love that exists is the love between a daddy and his
daughter and framed this with pictures of her and me together. There
have also been several instances where she has said that she comes first
before my wife and that they should not be on the same playing field in
my heart. Last night she told me that she had purchased a frame and put
a picture of me with her at her birthday party on her desk at work. She
also mentioned that this was her favorite one. This made me
uncomfortable and I feel that something needs to be said.
I'm just not sure what it should be. Neither one of my girls has handled
my divorce and remarriage well. They have been rude and disrespectful to
me and to my new wife. This behavior is affecting my relationship with
my new wife. It makes us both uncomfortable and I'd like to stop it
before things get any worse. - Perry
Dear Perry: There is nothing unhealthy about a young woman who loves her
father with all her heart and believes that he loves her. In fact, from
what you described, I know that when the time is right, your daughter
will choose a good man who reminds her of you and treats her like a
queen. If all women had the relationship your daughter has with you,
they would not marry abusive, controlling men. A father's deep love and
commitment to his daughter has everything to do with how she expects to
be treated later in life. Studies are now showing, for the first time,
that a father's love or lack of it, has more of an effect on a
daughter's self-esteem and the future choices she makes in men, than a
mother's love.
It might be true that right now she may have an unconscious fear that,
just like you left your marriage, you may decide to cut her out of your
life as well. So, she may be going out of her way to let you know how
much you mean to her because she doesn't want to lose her Dad like her
mom lost him. A little extra assurance on your part is definitely needed
and not a lecture about how you need to distance yourself from her
because she is making you feel uncomfortable.
I am not sure if these are really your true feelings or you have been
influenced by your new wife. It is very common for a new wife to feel
threatened and jealous of the relationship her husband has with his
biological children. Sometimes it includes the ex wife as well, although
it doesn't sound like that is an issue for you.
I hope that you will be strong enough to take a stand and not allow your
new marriage to undermine your role as a loving, giving and caring
father. The fact that your daughter feels comfortable telling you about
her life and gave you such a beautiful Christmas gift means you are a
GREAT DAD!!! I cannot imagine why you are turning your incredible
relationship into something ugly except to appease your wife.
As for their rudeness to you and your wife, that is a separate issue and
should not be tolerated under any circumstances. You should sit down
with both daughters and explain that the love a father feels for a woman
is very different than the love he feels for his daughter. One is not
better or deeper, they are simply different. You need to tell them that
you understand how painful this divorce was on everyone but that rude
and disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated. I believe that if you
let them know how much that hurts you, you will get a positive reaction
from them. I think that based on the open relationship you have, it
would take only one heart to heart conversation from you, letting them
know what you expect of them and what the consequences for bad behavior
will be. Right now your youngest daughter is competing with your wife
for your love. You will have to tell both women that you will continue
loving them with all your heart and there is enough love for both of
them. - Dr. Ellen
