Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a divorced mother of three. I renewed a
relationship with my high school sweetheart last year and he even asked
me to marry him last March. I live in New Jersey and he lives in
Vermont. Because of his line of work, he is unable to move to New Jersey
and because of my girls being in high school and the fact that my ex
will not let me move them, I am staying here until they graduate. My
fiance and I have been engaged for approximately one year now. During
that time, he travels about 2 hours when he wants to visit with his
children. For many months after he asked me to marry him last year, when
he went to visit his kids, he asked his ex to join them. In addition, he
had been emailing her every day and calling her most evenings although
he was engaged to me. I found all this out by accident. He tells me
since he divorced around the same time that I did, that he has just been
trying to make the transition of the divorce for his kids easier. He
said he was and is not interested in getting back with her, and he
didn't care whether she joined him or not. He has assured me over and
over again, since May when I found out what was going on, that he does
not call her every day, does not email her every day and that many
times, she doesn't show up for dinners or whatever else he does with his
children. I want to believe that, but still to this day, he has not
introduced me to his children. He says that just recently he told them
that he had seen his old high school sweetheart and that when she was
back in town again, that he would be seeing her. My children know that
he is in my life. He was in New Jersey two weeks ago and they saw him
and even talked with him. He talks to them briefly when he calls most
days. He says it is different with him and his kids because he does not
live with them. His girls are 20 and 18. My children are 17, 15, and 13.
I am getting to the point where I feel he may never bring me into their
lives and without that, we cannot marry. He asked me when he was here
last time to go to Las Vegas with him and get married. When I asked how
he was going to explain that to his kids when they were not even aware
of our relationship, he said that he would introduce me at some point
this year and that the following year we would have another "wedding" so
his kids would know that we are married. Am I crazy, does he not know
what he wants? Is he just trying to string me and his ex along? Is he
ashamed of me or our relationship? Is it possible that it is just as he
says and that he just doesn't want to hurt his kids and he wants to take
the transition slowly? What should I do? - Sarah
Dear Sarah: You already know in your heart that your fiance's thoughts
are extremely dysfunctional and his behavior is making no sense. You
will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you pick up and leave
your three children. If you think that graduating high school is the
magical year that they will no longer need you, you are really mistaken.
You are their mother and they will feel hurt and abandoned when you move
to another state.
I am not concerned that he invites his ex to dinner when he's in town.
What is a concern is that he didn't feel comfortable enough to tell you
on his own. You said, "You found this out by accident." I believe that
if more ex- wives and husbands could remain friends for the sake of the
children, there would be a lot less heartache for everyone concerned. I
remember seeing Garth Brooks on Oprah and he said that it was so
important to get his children's and ex-wife's blessing before he
proposed to Trisha Yearwood. He said that they were his main concern and
it wouldn't have worked if everyone wasn't on board. You can already see
that your fiance is concerned about his children and their feelings.
That's a good thing because he knows, at a gut level, that they are not
ready to accept their dad being engaged. Since that is the truth, he has
no business asking you to marry him until you've met them and have spent
time with them. That is the least he owes his children. They may not
ever accept you, but at least it is the honest and right thing to do. I
can't even imagine their reaction, if they found out that you had
secretly gotten married and then pretended you were just dating.
Starting out a marriage with secrets and lies is a marriage that is
destined for failure.
It sounds like you have been engaged to a man who is, at this point, is
living a double life and trying his best to keep them separated. Once he
feels comfortable enough to let his family know that he is in love and
wants them all to get to know you, then and only then will he be ready
to commit to you. When you get married for a second time, it ought to be
with a man who is not ashamed of loving you and if necessary, would move
to the ends of the earth so you could be together. Dr. Ellen
