Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I work at the same company but on different shifts. Recently, my husband was told by someone he works with that I have cheated on him. I don't know you and you don't know me so I have no reason to lie. I've never in all of the years we have been married, cheated on my husband. The person who did this told my husband that she saw me coming out of someone's house on a street that I am not even familiar with. Then he said that when he mentioned this to a few more people, they all said, and I quote, "They suspected something of the sort." I guess my question is, how does a person prove they're innocent about something they've never done. I'm innocent but if I were in my husband's shoes, I think I would believe it too, if two or more people are saying it. He refuses to let me confront these individuals to get to the truth. I'm not worried about what they're saying because God knows and I know it's not true but what does upset me is my husband believes it. I've been with this man for years and he can't even give me the benefit of the doubt? He just continues to believe some people who are spreading a bunch of lies. I think, no, I know, I deserve better. I can't be with a man that can't trust me or vice versa. I feel marriage is about trust and sometimes your are put to the test. My husband is failing miserably. Some people see you happy, loving one other and they can't handle it. They have to drive a wedge between you. How can I prove that I'm innocent when he won't tell me who's saying such awful things? - Carrie

Dear Carrie: You are 100% correct in that marriage is about trust. If you can't trust your spouse, who in the world can you trust? There is something very wrong with your marriage if, you too, would trust a group of people instead of your husband. If someone accused me or my husband of being unfaithful or committing a terrible crime, we would trust each other completely and not care if the entire world said we were guilty. The fact that this is happening to you means you really have to ask yourself a very hard question, "Why would I stay with a man who takes another person's word over mine?" You are right, I don't know you or your husband, but there is absolutely no reason for you to write to me if you were guilty. How dare your husband treat you with such disrespect and not defend your honor!! One of the things I teach men is that every woman needs a man who will defend her against anyone who dishonors her in any way. And then to add insult to injury, he has the nerve to keep you from knowing who said these things. There is either something very wrong with your husband's allegiance or he's lying to you and made this up himself.

Many times when someone accuses another person of being unfaithful or untrustworthy, or lying, it is a sign that they themselves are that way. If he accuses you of lying, it's because he lies. If he accuses you of looking at another man, it's because he looks at other women. If he is accusing you of being unfaithful, it's because he is unfaithful. We always see others through our own actions. He is projecting his own faults and shortcomings onto you. We teach others how we want to be treated and you need to raise the bar.

You asked me how you can prove that you are innocent. The answer is that you can't. All you have is your word. If that is not good enough for your husband, you certainly cannot stay in a marriage where you are being punished for something you never did." So, here is what you say to your husband. "I have repeatedly told you that I am not having an affair. I will not continue repeating this over and over. You can take the next 24 hours and decide whether you believe me or not. If you choose to believe other people and their word means more to you than mine, then we will have to separate. I will not continue to be punished for something I didn't do. I don't care if 1000 people tell you that I have been unfaithful. After all these years, you should know me well enough to defend my reputation. It should be you and I against the world and not you and the world against me." If he continues the accusations, you'll have to make arrangements to leave. Under no circumstances should you allow him back in your life until he is willing to confront this person in front of you. You deserve that! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen,

I'm in a situation that is causing me concern, and I would love your input. My husband is an electrician and for the last three months he has been on a huge remodel job. To get to the point, the woman of the home has fallen "in infatuation" with him, and has made it very clear in many different ways, one of which was a very blatant email saying basically that she was in love with him. My husband of 24 years wrote back and said he was married to the love of his life, and if her feelings were going to be a problem, he would pick up his tools the next day and be done. She quickly rallied, feigning misconception in the way the email was taken, and wanted him to stay on the job. The main problem here is that we could use the money, and my husband loves the job and would like to see it to the end. He said things got back in line for a while, but now it is headed down the same path; over enthusiastic about how he feels, baking goodies, leaving gifts, etc. I told my husband last night that it is making me very uncomfortable and that the next time she leaves a gift for him (we both feel quite sure she is singling him out, not including gifts for all the other subcontractors) would he please tell her he can't accept it unless she is doing the same thing for all the other guys. He said he would. My question is, how far do we let this go? She seems to be weaseling in every way she can to keep him in her sights, and it's driving me nuts. I would actually go and talk with her, but I don't want to sabotage this job for my husband. I do plan to let her know how I feel once the job is over however. I can be an adult here, no screaming or biting, just firm concise words to tell her I don't appreciate this. Your input please -Janet

Dear Janet,

First I want to tell you what a wonderful, honest, and committed husband you have. Most men would not tell their wives that another woman was flirting with them. I also know that you must be a very loving and secure woman because he feels safe telling you the truth about a touchy situation.

I see absolutely no reason for you to sabotage this job or any future one because he is dealing with a difficult woman. If you confront her after the job is done, she will only deny any wrong doing and blame your husband for leading her on. Think about the morals of a woman who would continue pursuing a man who is happily married and has told her so. Do you really think that will stop her from doing this to the next contractor or she will give you a full hearted apology? Your husband will need her as a reference for the next job. The best thing he could do is to continue acting as professional as he can, get a written recommendation from her and then move on when he is done. I'm sure your husband has dealt with many difficult people in his line of work and quitting has never been an option. It shouldn't be one now. The last thing he needs is a law suit because he didn't finish the job!

You can use this situation to your benefit and tell your husband how much you appreciate and admire him for letting you know what this woman is doing. This truly is a testament to how solid and strong your marriage is.

When most people tell me that an affair just happened, I always remind them that they knew the exact moment when they or the other person crossed over the line. I am sure that your husband is a very friendly man who makes people feel comfortable and at ease around him. I have had many wonderful conversations with electricians, plumbers, painters and general contractors. When you are in someone's home day in and day out, you get to know them and develop a friendship. This lonely, bored woman mistook that for something more. Even worse, she may know exactly what she is doing and is simply using her money and power to try and lure your husband. She may feel powerless with her own husband or ex-husband (you didn't mention if she was married or not) or her father and so she uses her sexuality as a means of power and controlling men. Many times, a woman who has experienced abuse or neglect gets great joy in messing with a man's head. She makes declarations of love and tells him that she has never felt this way before. Next she gets great satisfaction in ruining his marriage and his life. Then when she has achieved what she wants, she moves on to the next man.

So I think it is very appropriate for your husband to tell her that he is uncomfortable accepting anything that can't be shared with the other men and keep his conversations with her as brief and polite as possible. He doesn't need to hurt her anymore than she is already hurting. He has handled it quite well so far and his instincts have been right on the money. So, if I were you I would reward him for telling you the truth by giving him the love, admiration and appreciation he deserves. Paul Newman was asked if he was ever tempted to have an affair. He answered by saying, "Why would I have a hamburger outside when I can have steak at home!"

Dear Dr. Ellen: Two and a half years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. At the time, I was 53 and she was 52. I should have listened to my gut and lived on the principle of being long on courtship, short on engagement, but I did not. I should have been in her presence at least a year before I gave her an expensive engagement ring. I gave her an engagement ring after only three months of dating. From the moment I gave her the ring, the relationship began to deteriorate. For the next year, I tried to save the relationship, my dignity, and my respect. Unfortunately, I gave her the ring on Labor Day weekend of 2002 and she was dating someone else by June of 2003. I found out about her new relationship on Labor Day weekend of 2003 from a third party. She never told me that she was dating anyone else (we lived some 85 miles apart). I knew we were having problems, but I guess she could not bring herself to telling me until I found out from someone else.

So, in essence, we broke up and the engagement was off. I asked for my things back (clothes, treadmill, vacuum cleaner, etc. and the $8,000 engagement ring). She replied that she was not giving anything back, that she had earned the ring, and I could take her to court to get the other things back. At the time of the breakup, I was embarrassed and heart broken. I did not pursue anything at that time because I was beaten down and weak and I surely did not want her or anyone else to see me in that state. Only after working very hard with a counselor, did I learn that there were many red flags in the relationship that I had ignored. She drank every night and she was probably an alcoholic. She did not throw things and all that, but in the end I am sure that I absorbed a lot of emotional abuse. Well, by the time the relationship was over, my self esteem was shot.

I have worked very hard to overcome this relationship and reestablish my worth and self-esteem. The last question I have before the 3 year statue of limitations runs out in my state is, Should I have an attorney send her a letter requesting the ring back? Or should I just let bygones be bygones and considered myself lucky that I did not marry her? I guess this is the last piece of the puzzle for me to finally deal with. No, I have not been in a serious relationship since, but I do now have many opportunities being presented, and I want to be free of this last relationship and this last detail, so I can finally move on.

I guess I just hear that the admirable thing for a lady to do when an engagement breaks up is to give the ring back. I realize now that this person I was with, does not fit the model of an admirable lady. So, Dr. Ellen, do I once and for all bury this bump in the road and not say any more about the ring, or do I pursue the recapture of the ring through the legal system? - Greg

Dear Greg: I think that if you ask most men who wind up marrying a woman like this, if they could have paid $8,000 to prevent that from happening, they would have considered it a bargain! Believe it or not, you are a very lucky man to find out before it was too late. This woman lacks moral fiber and character. Many state courts allow lawsuits by the ring-giver to retrieve the ring. Most courts interpret the ring as a gift, but a conditional one, based on a promise to marry. Once that promise is broken, the court may decide that the conditions of the gift were not met, and so the ring must be returned. I think if a judge heard your side of the story and you could prove that she was dating someone else at the time of your engagement, he or she would rule that the ring be given back. However, if you drag this through the courts, a judge will be hearing her side of the story and my guess is that she would have a completely different account of what happened. I can only imagine what she could dream up in her head to make a judge sympathize with her. You sound like such a good man and I truly do not think you are going to be any match for a woman like this. Do you really think that after 2 ½ years, she has kept your ring for sentimental reasons? She has probably sold it in order to support her drinking habit.

We only have so much energy and I think you would be wasting yours in a very negative way. Eight thousand dollars is a lot of money, but by the time you paid the attorney, took time off from work to appear in court, and had many hours of mental anguish, I think you would be sorry that you forced yourself to relive this terrible time in your life. She is not going to agree to give it back because she receives a letter from an attorney. She will fight you all the way and the burden of proving that she was unfaithful will be up to you. That will mean hiring a detective to gather the proof.

I have been personally been involved in only one law suit. It was against a doctor who was negligent. When it was his turn to defend himself, he lied and falsified his records. I was in shock. In the end, I lost and my attorney turned to me and said, “Did your really think that he would tell the truth?” Of course, I thought he would tell the truth under oath. I could not imagine anyone not doing that. Greg, if this woman was capable of emotionally abusing you and ruining your self-esteem in such a short period of time, can you imagine what she is capable of doing when there is a large sum of money that needs to be returned? When you find the woman of your dreams, you can take the money you would have spent fighting this woman and go on a wonderful honeymoon. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I've been married for 12 years. My husband quit his job less than a year ago to jump into real estate. He withdrew his 401K for us to live on. I continued working and supporting us financially and we used the 401K as backup. After several months of him spending and spending to get his business started we were in a position where we could no longer pay the mortgage. I didn't make enough to pay all our bills. He convinced me that if we sold our house and moved out of state we would be in a better position. We would be moving to the city and that would give him more of an advantage for selling real estate.

We packed up the kids, I left my family behind and four months later, we are right back in the same situation. I've begged him to please get another job until real estate takes off for him but he says another job will only take away the time he can invest in getting his business to success. He also says that if he gets a job it will have to be part time....but that won't pay our bills. He doesn't want me to work right now while the kids are out of school because he doesn't want to have to focus on them while he's busy "working" with real estate. I've been very supportive and still try to be but we're about to lose everything. I hate having to move the kids once again. It's not fair to them. Please help! - Sylvia

Dear Sylvia: It takes a long time to get any type of business going. Usually the spring and summer months are the buying and selling months. There are not many realtors who do well in the winter. June, July, and August are the best months in the business. If he doesn't make it in the next 3 months it's going to be a very difficult winter once again. Based on what you wrote, I feel that you have been extremely supportive of his new career. However, this cannot continue to go on indefinitely because there will come a point where you won't be able to financially catch up and your family could wind up being homeless.

My advice is to give your husband a deadline. Tell him that you will give it until September, when the kids go back to school. If there is no money coming in by then, you will both have to work full time in order to pay the bills. If he refuses, it will be time to move the children and yourself back near family where you can get some support. Every realtor will tell you that this is not a 12 month business and you really have to hit it hard when the good months come along and have a source of income for the lean ones. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband of 9 years has confessed he never wants to have children. He is very happy the way things are now. I always assumed that he wanted children, but just wasn't ready. He will admit that he may have led me on for fear of approaching the situation. I'm just as much to blame since I also never brought up the subject seriously. My problem now is to decide if I want children enough to leave my husband. How can I make that decision? I know and love my husband, and the other option to me is unknown. His mind won't change about children, so this is all on my back. Please help. No one seems to know what to say. Thanks. - Shelly

Dear Shelly: I have always told people that there are only 2 deal breakers that you can't compromise on - children and religion. Many men do not want children but for the sake of their wives' happiness agree to have a baby or visa versa. Even in my case, my husband would have been happy either way, if having children wasn't something that was important to me. Now, he couldn't imagine his life without our 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren.

You'll notice that even in Hollywood, the older men who marry younger women, wind up having a new family with their young brides. For example, Michael Douglas, who already had grown children by his first wife, married Catherine Zeta-Jones. She claims that when they met in Deauville, he used the line "I'd like to father your children." Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes and they now have a daughter even though he already has 2 adopted children. Joan Lundon, who was in her 50's, had second set of twins using a surrogate mother because her younger husband wanted children. She has grown children from a previous marriage.

I know a woman who has 2 sons and really wants a daughter. When she and her husband went to a gender fertility specialist, the doctor said that most women feel unfulfilled if they don't have a daughter and are the ones who drag their husbands to see him. The husbands are very happy having sons but simply go along for the ride!! Then they wind up feeling that this is the biggest miracle of their lives as well. I know another woman who has 2 children and wants a third. Her husband does not want anymore children but here is what he said, "Honey, you know that I don't want any more kids and how strongly I feel about that, but if you are going to feel unfulfilled for the rest of your life, then we'll have a third." They did and he is a proud dad!

My definition of true love is when someone else's happiness is just as important as your own. Obviously, your husband's happiness is important to you but is the reverse true? This is not something you can take a survey about. No one can tell you how much you either do or don't want a child. I can tell you this with absolute certainty: If you are starting to think about having a baby, that feeling is not going to go away. It will get stronger and stronger as more time goes by. The question you will have to ask yourself is, "If I give up having a child, will I resent my husband for the rest of my life?" If the answer is "Yes," then eventually your marriage will end. On the other hand, if your husband agrees to have a baby, will he resent you for the rest of his life?" Now, you can see why I feel that having or not having children is usually a deal breaker for long term fulfillment in a marriage. This is something that has to be discussed by every couple before marriage. In your case it has to be discussed after the fact. Sometimes two wonderful people are simply not a match for each other. I have seen many men change their minds once they lose the best thing that ever happened to them. This is a decision you and only you can make. - Dr. Ellen

Our 21 year old daughter became involved with an older man. When my husband met this man, he called me and exploded, indicating that he was going to throw her out of the house. That night he proceeded to do so in a very volatile confrontation. I didn't know how to react and unfortunately, curled up in a ball and didn't communicate my concerns. I didn't support his decision, but I also didn't tell my daughter my concerns.

The next night, things got worse and my husband took all of our daughter's things and put them in the living room for her to move out. Out of anger and hurt, he threatened this man. My younger daughter aged 16 was emotionally upset and frightened. Still being emotionally numb, I took my daughter and left the house. I didn't say anything to him. I just left. That night, I called him and he said we were going to end our 22 year marriage. I moved in with my mom for 2 months although I really didn't want to be away from my husband. I believed that my husband and I deserve to be happy together regardless of our children's decisions, but how do we handle the difference in our opinion?

After I came home, I learned that our daughter was going to get married to this man. There are definite challenges they will have to overcome, but they believe they are truly in love and support each other. We still disagree about our daughter's relationship and this is causing our marriage to fall apart. I believe that I can't control our 21year daughter's decision and that I have to be there to support her. He doesn't believe that we should allow the marriage to take place, and he has announced to everyone that he will never talk to her again if she gets married.

My husband and I love each other and he is really a wonderful person, but I don't know how to deal with this disagreement. Our 16 year old daughter wants to have a relationship with her sister and no one knows how to deal with each other and our differences.

He recently left our home and feels that our marriage is over mainly because we can't agree on how to handle our differences with the situation. The wedding is quickly approaching and I don't know if I should go to the wedding and show my daughter that I am there for her, or if I should stand by my husband and not go to the wedding. Is it better to show my daughter that I support my husband and love him? I am also concerned about how the decisions I make, will affect our younger daughter. I want her to have a good relationship with her father. - Vicky

Dear Vicky: Your instincts are 100% correct. My best friend and her husband went through this exact same thing and no matter what she said, he too was not going to attend the wedding and was adamant about never speaking to his daughter again if she married this man. It wasn't until the daughter invited her father out to dinner alone, just the two of them, and told him how much she loves him and that it might not be his choice for her to marry this man, but it was hers and she loved him with all her heart. She explained how much she wanted him to be there and walk her down the aisle. It was 2 weeks before the wedding that he agreed to do that. They are now happily married and he has come around, slowly but surely.

You have no control over what your husband does or doesn't do. You only have control over yourself. Yes, you should attend her wedding and be there in every way you can for your daughter. If you don't go, it is something she will remember for the rest of her life. If your husband doesn't have a change of heart, she certainly doesn't need to lose a mother as well as a father. If your husband never comes around, do you really believe that you could have a good marriage, knowing that your daughter would never be welcome in your home? Eventually the emotional pain would be too great for you and your marriage would eventually end. Sometimes a man needs to be alone in order to see that he is making the biggest mistake of his life. If I were you, I would encourage your daughter to speak directly to her dad. If he refuses to meet with her then all you can do is hope that someday he'll see the light. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: A few months ago my husband confided in me that a 23 year old woman had gotten in touch with him, and told him that he may be her dad. He actually met her one time and found out that all of her life she thought that her dad was the man who raised her. Her mom and dad went through a bitter divorce a few years ago. One night, when her mom had too much to drink, she told her daughter that her real dad was probably my husband. This young woman spent a long time agonizing over whether to contact my husband because she didn't want to ruin his life. This all happened long before my husband and I met.

My husband said that they had gone out for a year when she suddenly broke up with him. Shortly after that she fell in love with someone else and married rather quickly. My husband has no desire to do any testing and simply told this girl that he couldn't imagine being her father. He's had no contact with her since that time. Well, it's been eating at me ever since this happened and I keep thinking that if she is his daughter then he will have to divide his love between our 18 year old son who is about to enter college, this new young woman and me. I want to know what you think would be the right thing to do. Thank You. - Cindy

Dear Cindy: For the sake of everyone's peace of mind, it is important for your husband to get a DNA test. If he turns out not to be the father, then there is no need to ever have contact with this girl again. If he is the father, then he should develop a relationship with his daughter. Believe me, a person has the capacity to love more than just one child and it doesn't have to be from birth. If you can be supportive of your husband and give him your unconditional love, no matter what the outcome of this test, then I think he will be less afraid to take the test.

I want you to pretend for just a moment that you are his ex-girlfriend, 23 years ago. You have a child so it will not be that difficult for you to use your imagination. Let's say you got pregnant at a young age by a man you didn't really love. Because you are young and now have fallen in love with a man that you think will be a more suitable husband and a better father for your baby, you break up and marry this other man. Because you were intimate with both men, you really aren't sure which one is the father. It is just easier for you and especially your son, to grow up thinking that your husband is his father. Of course, I have no way of knowing whether she told her husband that she may have been pregnant by another man. He may have thought from the beginning that he was the father of her child. But regardless, here is the most important part. I want you to think about what it would be like, if your son was raised believing that your husband was his dad. Then, finally, as an adult you tell him that there is a good possibility that another man might be his father. Can you imagine the turmoil your son would be going through? He doesn't want to intrude on this man's life because he knows that he's married and has a child and yet he wants to know if he is his biological father. How cruel would it be to withhold that information so that he never knows for sure? This is about alleviating the anguish of a young woman. Since you now know that it is a possibility, this will keep eating at you and eventually erode your marriage if you don't find out the truth. You can't ignore this and hope it will all go away. I believe in the saying, "The truth shall set you free."

Your husband cannot be blamed for what happened 23 years ago because he wasn't told about his girlfriend's pregnancy. But now he has a moral obligation to give this young woman closure. If he is her dad, I would like all of you to embrace this young woman and welcome her to your family. Whenever you have difficulty in making a decision, there is usually fear involved. To make the best possible decision, it is important to ask yourself, "If I were coming from a loving place deep inside me, if I knew I was completely safe, that my instincts were trustworthy and my motives were pure, how would I react and what would I do?" The answer to this question is sometimes very different than what you would normally do or say, but it will be the right answer. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I went through a divorce in 1990. It was the most difficult thing I ever went through in my life. My ex-wife and I did not have any children; however, we had a pet Macaw that to this day we've shared custody (informal). I was able to forgive my ex-wife and equally important I was able to forgive myself. I was proud for a very long time of having a successful divorce as my ex-wife and I managed to remain close and developed a friendship that we still share today. The decision to remain friends was a personal choice for me. My ex-wife and I have both recently remarried to other people. My wife of today was previously married and has an 10 year old daughter. Her divorce was very bitter and her ex left her when their daughter was 15 months old. My wife and I are expecting our first child in August.

I openly admit it's rare to see two people who were married develop a friendship after the divorce. I've attempted to be open and honest with my wife from the very beginning of our relationship. We discussed the risk before we were engaged. I have been unsuccessful in establishing boundaries as it seems the only boundary is to have no relationship with my ex wife. I believe that my wife's fears, in part, are rooted in the demise of her first marriage. I don't believe these fears to be limited to my ex-wife. I believe that my wife views any woman aside from family members as a threat. I love my wife very much and want to save our marriage. My ex-wife is one of the few people I consider a true friend. I feel that I'm going to have to give up my relationship with my ex-wife to save my current marriage. The irony is that I fear the resentment I may harbor from doing this will ultimately destroy my new marriage in the end. Any insight you can provide would be appreciated. Thanks. - Stan

Dear Stan: Please understand that the advice I am about to give would be completely different if you had a child together. Then you would need to be communicating for the rest of your lives. Since you don't, and there really doesn't need to be a continuing dialogue over a parrot, except to arrange visits, there is no reason for the two of you to maintain a current friendship. Just so you know, I had a cockatoo for many years, so I know how attached you can become to a bird.

Had your wife written to me, I would have told her to take a hard stand and make you choose your current marriage and never contacting you your ex-wife again except to confirm the parrot's drop off or pick up time. Because you are still emotionally attached to your ex, whether you realize it or not, that cheats your wife out of the emotional connection she should be having with you. There will be many times in your marriage, where you are arguing and not getting along. If you have another woman to confide in, those brief times become even longer as you begin to think, "My ex is the one who really understands me." One of the reasons my husband and I were able to build a solid foundation in the beginning of our marriage was because we moved 3,000 miles away from family and friends. So, all we had were each other. We were each other's best friend. If an argument arose it was in our best interest to settle it as soon as possible because there was no where to go and no one else to confide in.

If a woman is truly a "friend" once you get married, then she is a friend to both of you and can come over the house and call your house on a regular telephone. This is not the case. You are maintaining a private relationship that will continue unless you become more sensitive to your wife's needs and realize that if you truly want your marriage to work, you will let go of the past. This is not about communication problems. This is about understanding that you are asking too much from your current wife. Once you start building the type of marriage that is fulfilling and loving and have more shared experiences, you will no longer have a need for your ex (or any other woman) to be your true friend. She will be a fond memory that will be tucked away in your heart. So, if I were you, I would say the following to your wife. "Honey, I have thought long and hard about how uncomfortable you are with my ex-wife's friendship. Since you are my #1 priority and mean more to me than anyone else, I have decided to end that relationship once and for all. I would like you to see the email I am sending (or listen to the telephone conversation I will have) so that you will know that I am serious about this and we can move past this."

Next, it's time to contact your ex and say, "My wife and I have discussed our friendship and it no longer seems appropriate for you and I to have an ongoing relationship. I will always cherish the time we spent together and hopefully we both have both grown and learned from our mistakes. I really want to make a go of this marriage and in order to do that, I need to let go of my past and really concentrate on the present. I hope you understand." - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have just left my husband. We both love each other very much; however, the problem is his sister. My husband just retired and we decided to move to Arizona with his sister and her husband. Just so you know, I am 13 years younger than my husband. My husband's sister and brother-in-law are very wealthy and bought a house with a guesthouse on 5 acres. We lived in the guesthouse. I always believed that his sister liked me; she never indicated otherwise! Then, 6 weeks after my husband and I got there, she started treating me badly. Things got uglier and she told me that I had won her brother's love and had taken him away from her. This is her 4th husband and they have a terrible marriage. My belief is she needs her brother there to fulfill her neediness. I couldn't take the ugliness anymore. My husband heard her say this to me and didn't say a thing against her. I asked him if we could please move out and find an apartment down in the city. I couldn't live there with them anymore. He said no because he had already paid the rent for the year to his sister's husband. That was his excuse. I moved back to Ohio after he asked me what my plans were. I was and am so hurt! I have written him twice to tell him that I did not leave him. I left the terrible situation. It has been over 6 weeks and he hasn't called me. He is Italian and has much pride. Any and all help will be so appreciated! Thank you. - Donna

Dear Donna: You made a big mistake making your husband choose between you and his sister. You could have handled this whole thing so differently, especially since you already know that your husband has a lot of "pride," and your sister-in-law unhappy and unfulfilled with her life. You have every right to feel hurt but many times we have to ask ourselves whether we want to be right or do we want to be loved. Here is an example of how the situation could have been handled if you had decided to make an insecure woman feel a little more secure. When his sister told you that you had won her brother's love and had taken him away from her", you should have smiled and given her a big hug and said, "You are his family and that will never change. I wish I had a brother that loved me the way he loves you. Look at it this way, you didn't lose a brother because he is living on the same property, you've gained a sister-in-law who loves you too!"

How could she have possibly had a negative reaction to that? She is obviously jealous of the relationship you have with her brother and is fearful that she will lose his love. Instead of escalating this and leaving your husband, you could have given her a more positive way to look at this whole thing. Your husband would have loved you for that. You also could have said to your husband, "I'm really hurt right now and I need some distance from your sister." Even that would have been better than leaving.

I think you should call your husband and tell him how much you miss him and that you are coming back to work things out. You need to sit down with your sister-in-law and have a heart to heart talk. Let her know that she will never lose her brother. You belong with your husband and if that means a year of living there, so be it! Then you can look for a place that will be far enough away to give you the freedom you desire. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: Seven years ago I was married to a man I loved very much. After a few years of marriage, we decided to start a family and I became pregnant with my son (now 4). When I was eight months pregnant, my OB/GYN told me at a routine visit that I had a case of genital warts. They had to treat it very aggressively to be rid of it before the baby came and the pain was excruciating. I wound up going into labor the next day and had my son a month early.

Upon telling my husband of the diagnosis that day and my confusion as to how I could have gotten it, he admitted to me that he had gotten it from a one-night stand right before we started dating and had never told me about the infection. In fact, I flat-out asked him before we became sexually active if he had ever had anything and he denied ever having any problems. I was horrified, humiliated and in terrible pain. Between those feelings and the stress of a colicky baby, I was at my wits end.

I was never able to regain my love or trust for him and left him a year ago. I have recently begun dating. I met a man just over a month ago who I have become very fond of. I was terrified about having to tell him about my having HPV but was adamant that I would not trick someone the way my ex did me. Regardless, I told him last weekend and he handled it well that night. I was so relieved that the worry was for nothing, but he did an about-face a couple days later and told me he could not continue seeing me because he was afraid of catching the disease. I am broken-hearted and have been crying for two days because I feel disgusting.

Today, I called my OB/GYN to ask questions about how to tell potential partners about this in the future and she told me that there is no need to disclose this to anyone as my body has shown no signs of infection for four years now. The medical belief now is that my immune system has fought the virus and it is no longer an issue. I am thrilled to hear this news as I cannot imagine the pain of having to deal with this rejection again, but it seems too good to be true. (Of course, she stressed that I should use condoms to prevent re-infection from someone else and I will absolutely do that.) I would like to know how you feel about this and whether it is still something that I should morally disclose in the early stages of dating. Thank you for your advice. - Cynthia

Dear Cynthia: As a general rule, I don't think that your health history is anyone's business until you have a deep connection and there is the potential for a committed relationship. I know you said that you had been dating a month, but there is a big difference between seeing someone every Saturday night which could mean only 4 dates and spending the entire month together. The point is, I don't know how deeply connected the two of you were before you shared this information. I feel that it makes no difference whether you presently have a sexually transmitted disease, or you have been successfully treated for a sexually transmitted disease and therefore have been pronounced, "cured." Either way, you still have a moral obligation to let your partner know about it. My guess is that no matter how painful your breakup was, this relationship was not meant to be, and it wouldn't have mattered how long you waited. His reaction would have probably been the same.

As devastated as you are, there is a blessing in disguise here. Because of his rejection, you found out so much sooner that the medical community has now given you an "all clear." That means, when you do meet "Mr. Right," you can assure him that you no longer have something that can be transmitted.

Because of my own experience with breast cancer, I frequently get asked to speak to cancer support groups. I'm often asked, "At what point in a new relationship do I tell him or her that I have or had cancer?" My answer is, "When the relationship is more than casual."

There is usually quite a difference in dumping your personal challenges on someone you've just met and waiting until there is a deeper connection, before you tell him that you are recovering from a life-threatening disease. Many people are afraid that once they reveal their illness, that person will no longer want to be with them. My response is, "Why would you want to be with someone that is insensitive and uncaring?" If someone can't see past your illness or the effects it has had on your body, the person can't see the true you." I have personally met so many women who have had a breast removed due to breast cancer or men who have gone through testicular cancer and have had a testicle removed. They all confided in me that when they fell in love, they felt safe enough to share what they had gone through and, in return, received complete, unconditional love from their mate.

We all come with baggage. No one has a life devoid of secrets, embarrassing habits, or situations that are difficult to share. There are millions of people who have medical conditions that must be discussed with anyone they are seriously considering having a relationship with. If you have diabetes, epilepsy, cancer, MS or any other condition that impacts your life, you have to share that with a potential partner. If you are loved for your honesty and vulnerability, you'll know that this is a person you can spend the rest of your life with. If the person's reaction is negative, it is in your best interest to know that as soon as possible and move on.

I do think that it is also important to point out that people are much more understanding when it comes to an illness that they can't get themselves. You can't get cancer, MS or diabetes from another person. But if you have a sexually transmitted disease, such as herpes or HIV, then you have a moral obligation to give your potential partner all the information he or she needs so they can make a fully informed choice about becoming involved with you. Remember, you deserve to be loved for who you are and you deserve someone who is worthy of your love. - Dr. Ellen