Dear Dr. Ellen: I went through a divorce in 1990. It was the most
difficult thing I ever went through in my life. My ex-wife and I did not
have any children; however, we had a pet Macaw that to this day we've
shared custody (informal). I was able to forgive my ex-wife and equally
important I was able to forgive myself. I was proud for a very long time
of having a successful divorce as my ex-wife and I managed to remain
close and developed a friendship that we still share today. The decision
to remain friends was a personal choice for me. My ex-wife and I have
both recently remarried to other people. My wife of today was previously
married and has an 10 year old daughter. Her divorce was very bitter and
her ex left her when their daughter was 15 months old. My wife and I are
expecting our first child in August.
I openly admit it's rare to see two people who were married develop a
friendship after the divorce. I've attempted to be open and honest with
my wife from the very beginning of our relationship. We discussed the
risk before we were engaged. I have been unsuccessful in establishing
boundaries as it seems the only boundary is to have no relationship with
my ex wife. I believe that my wife's fears, in part, are rooted in the
demise of her first marriage. I don't believe these fears to be limited
to my ex-wife. I believe that my wife views any woman aside from family
members as a threat. I love my wife very much and want to save our
marriage. My ex-wife is one of the few people I consider a true friend.
I feel that I'm going to have to give up my relationship with my ex-wife
to save my current marriage. The irony is that I fear the resentment I
may harbor from doing this will ultimately destroy my new marriage in
the end. Any insight you can provide would be appreciated. Thanks. -
Stan
Dear Stan: Please understand that the advice I am about to give would be
completely different if you had a child together. Then you would need to
be communicating for the rest of your lives. Since you don't, and there
really doesn't need to be a continuing dialogue over a parrot, except to
arrange visits, there is no reason for the two of you to maintain a
current friendship. Just so you know, I had a cockatoo for many years,
so I know how attached you can become to a bird.
Had your wife written to me, I would have told her to take a hard stand
and make you choose your current marriage and never contacting you your
ex-wife again except to confirm the parrot's drop off or pick up time.
Because you are still emotionally attached to your ex, whether you
realize it or not, that cheats your wife out of the emotional connection
she should be having with you. There will be many times in your
marriage, where you are arguing and not getting along. If you have
another woman to confide in, those brief times become even longer as you
begin to think, "My ex is the one who really understands me." One of the
reasons my husband and I were able to build a solid foundation in the
beginning of our marriage was because we moved 3,000 miles away from
family and friends. So, all we had were each other. We were each other's
best friend. If an argument arose it was in our best interest to settle
it as soon as possible because there was no where to go and no one else
to confide in.
If a woman is truly a "friend" once you get married, then she is a
friend to both of you and can come over the house and call your house on
a regular telephone. This is not the case. You are maintaining a private
relationship that will continue unless you become more sensitive to your
wife's needs and realize that if you truly want your marriage to work,
you will let go of the past. This is not about communication problems.
This is about understanding that you are asking too much from your
current wife. Once you start building the type of marriage that is
fulfilling and loving and have more shared experiences, you will no
longer have a need for your ex (or any other woman) to be your true
friend. She will be a fond memory that will be tucked away in your
heart. So, if I were you, I would say the following to your wife.
"Honey, I have thought long and hard about how uncomfortable you are
with my ex-wife's friendship. Since you are my #1 priority and mean more
to me than anyone else, I have decided to end that relationship once and
for all. I would like you to see the email I am sending (or listen to
the telephone conversation I will have) so that you will know that I am
serious about this and we can move past this."
Next, it's time to contact your ex and say, "My wife and I have
discussed our friendship and it no longer seems appropriate for you and
I to have an ongoing relationship. I will always cherish the time we
spent together and hopefully we both have both grown and learned from
our mistakes. I really want to make a go of this marriage and in order
to do that, I need to let go of my past and really concentrate on the
present. I hope you understand." - Dr. Ellen
