Our 21 year old daughter became involved with an older man. When my
husband met this man, he called me and exploded, indicating that he was
going to throw her out of the house. That night he proceeded to do so in
a very volatile confrontation. I didn't know how to react and
unfortunately, curled up in a ball and didn't communicate my concerns. I
didn't support his decision, but I also didn't tell my daughter my
concerns.
The next night, things got worse and my husband took all of our
daughter's things and put them in the living room for her to move out.
Out of anger and hurt, he threatened this man. My younger daughter aged
16 was emotionally upset and frightened. Still being emotionally numb, I
took my daughter and left the house. I didn't say anything to him. I
just left. That night, I called him and he said we were going to end our
22 year marriage. I moved in with my mom for 2 months although I really
didn't want to be away from my husband. I believed that my husband and I
deserve to be happy together regardless of our children's decisions, but
how do we handle the difference in our opinion?
After I came home, I learned that our daughter was going to get married
to this man. There are definite challenges they will have to overcome,
but they believe they are truly in love and support each other. We still
disagree about our daughter's relationship and this is causing our
marriage to fall apart. I believe that I can't control our 21year
daughter's decision and that I have to be there to support her. He
doesn't believe that we should allow the marriage to take place, and he
has announced to everyone that he will never talk to her again if she
gets married.
My husband and I love each other and he is really a wonderful person,
but I don't know how to deal with this disagreement. Our 16 year old
daughter wants to have a relationship with her sister and no one knows
how to deal with each other and our differences.
He recently left our home and feels that our marriage is over mainly
because we can't agree on how to handle our differences with the
situation. The wedding is quickly approaching and I don't know if I
should go to the wedding and show my daughter that I am there for her,
or if I should stand by my husband and not go to the wedding. Is it
better to show my daughter that I support my husband and love him? I am
also concerned about how the decisions I make, will affect our younger
daughter. I want her to have a good relationship with her father. - Vicky
Dear Vicky: Your instincts are 100% correct. My best friend and her
husband went through this exact same thing and no matter what she said,
he too was not going to attend the wedding and was adamant about never
speaking to his daughter again if she married this man. It wasn't until
the daughter invited her father out to dinner alone, just the two of
them, and told him how much she loves him and that it might not be his
choice for her to marry this man, but it was hers and she loved him with
all her heart. She explained how much she wanted him to be there and
walk her down the aisle. It was 2 weeks before the wedding that he
agreed to do that. They are now happily married and he has come around,
slowly but surely.
You have no control over what your husband does or doesn't do. You only
have control over yourself. Yes, you should attend her wedding and be
there in every way you can for your daughter. If you don't go, it is
something she will remember for the rest of her life. If your husband
doesn't have a change of heart, she certainly doesn't need to lose a
mother as well as a father. If your husband never comes around, do you
really believe that you could have a good marriage, knowing that your
daughter would never be welcome in your home? Eventually the emotional
pain would be too great for you and your marriage would eventually end.
Sometimes a man needs to be alone in order to see that he is making the
biggest mistake of his life. If I were you, I would encourage your
daughter to speak directly to her dad. If he refuses to meet with her
then all you can do is hope that someday he'll see the light. - Dr.
Ellen
