Dear Dr. Ellen: I have just left my husband. We both love each other very much; however, the problem is his sister. My husband just retired and we decided to move to Arizona with his sister and her husband. Just so you know, I am 13 years younger than my husband. My husband's sister and brother-in-law are very wealthy and bought a house with a guesthouse on 5 acres. We lived in the guesthouse. I always believed that his sister liked me; she never indicated otherwise! Then, 6 weeks after my husband and I got there, she started treating me badly. Things got uglier and she told me that I had won her brother's love and had taken him away from her. This is her 4th husband and they have a terrible marriage. My belief is she needs her brother there to fulfill her neediness. I couldn't take the ugliness anymore. My husband heard her say this to me and didn't say a thing against her. I asked him if we could please move out and find an apartment down in the city. I couldn't live there with them anymore. He said no because he had already paid the rent for the year to his sister's husband. That was his excuse. I moved back to Ohio after he asked me what my plans were. I was and am so hurt! I have written him twice to tell him that I did not leave him. I left the terrible situation. It has been over 6 weeks and he hasn't called me. He is Italian and has much pride. Any and all help will be so appreciated! Thank you. - Donna

Dear Donna: You made a big mistake making your husband choose between you and his sister. You could have handled this whole thing so differently, especially since you already know that your husband has a lot of "pride," and your sister-in-law unhappy and unfulfilled with her life. You have every right to feel hurt but many times we have to ask ourselves whether we want to be right or do we want to be loved. Here is an example of how the situation could have been handled if you had decided to make an insecure woman feel a little more secure. When his sister told you that you had won her brother's love and had taken him away from her", you should have smiled and given her a big hug and said, "You are his family and that will never change. I wish I had a brother that loved me the way he loves you. Look at it this way, you didn't lose a brother because he is living on the same property, you've gained a sister-in-law who loves you too!"

How could she have possibly had a negative reaction to that? She is obviously jealous of the relationship you have with her brother and is fearful that she will lose his love. Instead of escalating this and leaving your husband, you could have given her a more positive way to look at this whole thing. Your husband would have loved you for that. You also could have said to your husband, "I'm really hurt right now and I need some distance from your sister." Even that would have been better than leaving.

I think you should call your husband and tell him how much you miss him and that you are coming back to work things out. You need to sit down with your sister-in-law and have a heart to heart talk. Let her know that she will never lose her brother. You belong with your husband and if that means a year of living there, so be it! Then you can look for a place that will be far enough away to give you the freedom you desire. - Dr. Ellen