Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband is a wonderful man. I really love him and I know he loves me. However, he never buys me gifts. Instead he will say, "Let's go out and buy you something." There is no surprise in this because I'm not a shopper and I don't like buying things for myself. So I always decline and get nothing. I have expressed my feelings...that I would like him to pick out something for me (a shirt, flowers, a ring, anything!) but he has never bought me a gift since our dating days. I know he bought his ex-wife a very expensive ring a a big city store and I have a $30 wedding band (yes, I encouraged it). I've sent this poor man mixed messages and now it's a mess. What should I do from here? Thank you. - Lois

Dear Lois: I am a great believer in gifts because it shows that someone cared enough to take the time out of their busy day and select or make something just for you. Since people have different tastes, many times the gift is not what you would have purchased for yourself. However, I have always felt it was important to concentrate on the intention of the sender rather than the gift. A love letter from my husband's heart means more to me than a Hallmark card. The necklace made out of Cheerios cereal that I received from my grandson means more than any 14k piece of jewelry

If your husband has a difficult time getting a gift, he may be like many men who are afraid of disappointing the woman they love. This is especially true for men who have disappointed someone in the past. A good friend of ours shared one evening that his mother never showed any appreciation for the gifts he gave her. She either said, "You shouldn't have spent the money on this" or, "I really don't need that", or "I don't like what you got me and would have preferred, 'such and such'". My guess is that your husband has disappointed someone in the past and it was most likely his ex wife. He doesn't want to repeat that experience. A lot of women return gifts without realizing how much time and effort their mate devoted to getting them something they thought they would like. Many years later they wonder why they are no longer getting gifts. Anyone who has listened to my programs knows that I spend a lot of time on this subject because there are so many men whose feelings have been hurt. I nkow that you are paying the price for someone else's behavior but it's time to change all that.

A wonderful idea is to create a "Gift Box" and throughout the year, put pictures in it of things that you would love to get. You can cut things out of magazines, newspapers or flyers that come in the mail. This way, it will be a suprise and yet your husband will feel confident, knowing that he is getting you something that you want. The fact that he asks you to go and pick something out, means that his intentions are good. You are right. You are giving him mixed messages and that has to stop. From now on, you can remind him in a very playful way, "Honey, my birthday is coming up and it's time to look in the 'Gift Box'". - Dr. Ellen