Dear Dr. Ellen: My father died three years ago. My husband and I paid
for a lot of the funeral expenses because my parents did not plan well
and my mother had nothing to pay with. I have an older sister who is
married, but they borrowed $100 from my mother, the day dad died, so her
husband could wear a jacket at the funeral. When I got a call from the
cemetery just three months ago, I was shocked and very embarrassed to
find out that mom had never paid the rest of the funeral expenses. The
cemetery gave her mercy and said she could pay it gradually for the
entire two person crypt (in a mausoleum). It's considered property, so
she would have to pay off the entire bill to own the property of both
crypts. I called my sister and she said mother had also left them with a
$1500 cell bill. Mother stays on the phone with her clients but has
never been paid for her time or work. She moved in with my husband and I
and she added a lot of stress to our home. She is used to being queen
bee so to speak and hates it when I challenge her to do something else
with her life. All she ever talks about is what she is doing and never
has taken an interest in our kids or my husband, NEVER. Every time I sit
with her quietly and kindly ask her to be a productive member of my
already 6 person home, she has left me very upset and moved in with my
sister and her husband, who have 2 teens. They never make waves and
always make her feel welcome, despite the cell problems that is now
ruining their credit. They act scared of her anger/fits and the threat
to ignore them. Mom came back to my home after 18 months. She ruined her
computer (we had to listen to her complain constantly about this) so my
husband bought her a laptop for Mother's Day and she still complains
about everything, including her new lap top.
We finally told her last Wed, she had one week to get a job. She needed
to contribute to her own bills as well as the 12 month payment plan the
cemetery set up. This new bill is going to be a burden for my husband
and I, but this is my father and either we pay it or they will move him
out. She said she would do everything she could to help with the
payments and get herself a job (she has said this many times before, but
always bolted to a family member's home and ignored me and my kids for
each of their birthdays and holidays). Well you guessed it, the day
before she was to have met the deadline, she started a fight with me and
I told her it was hard to live with her sitting around all day playing
games on her computer and not helping out. She seems to want to do my
house work, but I have refused to allow her to take my job and force me
out to get a job to solve her problems. So, she bolted again. This time
she is at a friend's house, someone that sympathizes with her problems
and how we treat her. She left it with my husband to solve her problems
once again. What do I do? Do I call her and remind her of this bill? Do
I make nice when I ever talk to her again and leave her alone until she
can pay? Do I start asking her 4 sisters to talk to her about this
problem and get intervention? I just don't know what to do here. I have
tried to understand and be kind. I know this is hard on her to be alone,
but she isn't alone. She says she hates being a taker, but does nothing
to change this. Yes, I am hurt beyond words. My kids are going to pay
the price for her moving out and not talking to any of us. Last time
this happened, it was 18 months before I reached out to HER and acted
like it never happened. I am going to have to get a job and solve this.
For as long as I can remember she has reached out to the lost, hungry
and down trodden. But she has really never acted that same way with me
or her grandkids. Can you give me some advice? - Laura
Dear Laura: The sooner you realize that your mother will never get a
job, never pay her bills, never recognize your children's birthdays and
never contribute financially wherever she is staying, the sooner you can
be at peace. The best indication for predicting future behavior is to
look at past behavior. At her age, she isn't going to undergo a complete
transformation because of a phone call from you. All that will do is
make you spend wasted energy.
Having said that, she is your mother and the only one you will ever
have. I'm sure that she never pictured the later years of her life,
alone and penniless. Because she was such a giving person to others, she
just assumed that when the time came, she would somehow be taken care
of. If you had said that she was mentally or physically handicapped,
then I would feel that it was your duty to either take care of her or
make sure she is taken care of. But the fact that she has a bright mind
(otherwise she would not have customers as well as be able to play games
on a computer) and has to be physically in pretty good condition if she
wanted to do your housework, leads me to believe that your duty is to
help her move on with her life. I would have suggested a month instead
of a week for a deadline but based on what you wrote, I believe that the
outcome would have been the same.
I definitely think that you need to sit down with your sister and make
some decisions regarding the financial obligations of your dad's funeral
and the future of your mother. You will be faced with the same financial
burden when her time comes. I believe in writing letters. Most people
can tune out what you say because they are thinking of what they want to
say instead. But a letter is hard to ignore. Your voice gets heard and
it's very therapeutic for you. Let your mom know how much you love her
and you do understand how unprepared she was for all of this. Tell her
that if you were well off financially, none of this would be a problem
because you could take care of all her needs. But since that is not the
case, for either you or your sister, you need her to contribute to the
household expenses, while she still can, if she is going to live with
either of you. At the very least, she can't run up a cell phone bill and
ruin someone's credit. Leave the door open and let her know that you do
want her to be part of your life no matter what but if she is going to
live with you, she has to abide by your rules. Let her know how her
grandchildren are affected by her leaving so abruptly.
Along with what is expected of her, I would also include what you are
willing to do. For example, it may be hard for her to collect money from
her clients but you or your husband can be the bad guys and contact all
of them to let them know that they have a deadline to pay for her time
and work or she won't be doing it anymore. If your mother has not worked
for someone else, it's pretty intimidating to go job hunting. So, you
can tell her that you are willing to help her find a job. If she is
willing to do housework, there are plenty of families who are looking
for live-in help for their children along with some light housework.
This way she would have a place to stay and still get paid for her work.
Once you send the letter with all of your feelings in writing, the ball
will be in her court. - Dr. Ellen
