Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 32 and my husband is 34. We have 2 children, ages 4 and 6 months. I am having a problem with my mother-in-law. The fact that I have a problem with her is affecting my marriage and how I view my husband. I don't think she will ever forgive me for marrying her son. She twists things and says things to make me look bad. She is, in her own sneaky way, trying to undermine my marriage. I finally confronted her yesterday and asked her if she had any reason to dislike me or if I have done anything to hurt her? To my face, she acted surprised and shocked that I would even think that. I gave her a few examples, the latest being when she came to see her grandchildren a few days ago. I had put my son in "time out" because he was acting up. She never said anything at the time but then as soon as she could, she called my husband and said that I was not really handling my son in the proper way. She said that, "He is out of control because of bad parenting." Of course, when I gave her that example, she said that she didn't mean anything by it. I had really lost it with my husband when he told me what she had said and told him that if he didn't defend me, we could just go our separate ways. He's a wonderful husband and a great father but his mom is really going to destroy what we have. I am slowly losing all respect for him. Maybe I wouldn't be so sensitive if this was the first time. It happens over and over. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I have tried to be a good daughter-in-law in the past, but I am now at my wits end and can't stand the thought of talking to her ever again. My husband always tries to defend her and tells me that she doesn't mean any harm. Well, if she is an example of "no harm," then I cannot imagine what she would have to say or do, for him to realize that she is absolutely harming me and our marriage. Please tell me what I can do, short of divorcing the man I love. - Gina

Dear Gina: One of the things I always teach men is that, "A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life. A son is a son till he gets a wife!" Your feelings and your needs should be your husband's #1 priority. The irony here is that one of the main reasons he is such a wonderful husband and father is because he grew up feeling loved and has had a great relationship with his mother. He loves and respects her as a son should. However, if she is continually hurting you and talking behind your back to him and other family members, it's time to put a stop to that. He should definitely be defending you and letting her know that he wants this to end! It will have much more of an effect if it comes from him. He has to say these exact words, "From now on, if you do not have anything nice to say about my wife, then please don't say anything about her at all. I will no longer listen to you or anyone in this family who is disrespecting her by gossiping behind her back. When you say hurtful things about my wife, you are hurting me. So, this has all got to stop if you want to have a relationship with me and your grandchildren!"

As for you, when you have a mother in-law like you do, from now on, you must never be alone with her. Always make sure that your husband is in the room. If he leaves, leave with him. That means you don't EVER talk to her on the phone or anywhere else alone. This way, your husband hears first hand what she says and sees for himself what is going on and how destructive she is. My guess is that this woman will be less likely to be hurtful in front of her son and less likely to twist things because he was there. You have already confronted her and it has probably gone on deaf ears. So, now it's time for you to protect yourself and have your husband step up to the plate. - Dr. Ellen