Dear Dr. Ellen: Two and a half years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. At the time, I was 53 and she was 52. I should have listened to my gut and lived on the principle of being long on courtship, short on engagement, but I did not. I should have been in her presence at least a year before I gave her an expensive engagement ring. I gave her an engagement ring after only three months of dating. From the moment I gave her the ring, the relationship began to deteriorate. For the next year, I tried to save the relationship, my dignity, and my respect. Unfortunately, I gave her the ring on Labor Day weekend of 2002 and she was dating someone else by June of 2003. I found out about her new relationship on Labor Day weekend of 2003 from a third party. She never told me that she was dating anyone else (we lived some 85 miles apart). I knew we were having problems, but I guess she could not bring herself to telling me until I found out from someone else.

So, in essence, we broke up and the engagement was off. I asked for my things back (clothes, treadmill, vacuum cleaner, etc. and the $8,000 engagement ring). She replied that she was not giving anything back, that she had earned the ring, and I could take her to court to get the other things back. At the time of the breakup, I was embarrassed and heart broken. I did not pursue anything at that time because I was beaten down and weak and I surely did not want her or anyone else to see me in that state. Only after working very hard with a counselor, did I learn that there were many red flags in the relationship that I had ignored. She drank every night and she was probably an alcoholic. She did not throw things and all that, but in the end I am sure that I absorbed a lot of emotional abuse. Well, by the time the relationship was over, my self esteem was shot.

I have worked very hard to overcome this relationship and reestablish my worth and self-esteem. The last question I have before the 3 year statue of limitations runs out in my state is, Should I have an attorney send her a letter requesting the ring back? Or should I just let bygones be bygones and considered myself lucky that I did not marry her? I guess this is the last piece of the puzzle for me to finally deal with. No, I have not been in a serious relationship since, but I do now have many opportunities being presented, and I want to be free of this last relationship and this last detail, so I can finally move on.

I guess I just hear that the admirable thing for a lady to do when an engagement breaks up is to give the ring back. I realize now that this person I was with, does not fit the model of an admirable lady. So, Dr. Ellen, do I once and for all bury this bump in the road and not say any more about the ring, or do I pursue the recapture of the ring through the legal system? - Greg

Dear Greg: I think that if you ask most men who wind up marrying a woman like this, if they could have paid $8,000 to prevent that from happening, they would have considered it a bargain! Believe it or not, you are a very lucky man to find out before it was too late. This woman lacks moral fiber and character. Many state courts allow lawsuits by the ring-giver to retrieve the ring. Most courts interpret the ring as a gift, but a conditional one, based on a promise to marry. Once that promise is broken, the court may decide that the conditions of the gift were not met, and so the ring must be returned. I think if a judge heard your side of the story and you could prove that she was dating someone else at the time of your engagement, he or she would rule that the ring be given back. However, if you drag this through the courts, a judge will be hearing her side of the story and my guess is that she would have a completely different account of what happened. I can only imagine what she could dream up in her head to make a judge sympathize with her. You sound like such a good man and I truly do not think you are going to be any match for a woman like this. Do you really think that after 2 ½ years, she has kept your ring for sentimental reasons? She has probably sold it in order to support her drinking habit.

We only have so much energy and I think you would be wasting yours in a very negative way. Eight thousand dollars is a lot of money, but by the time you paid the attorney, took time off from work to appear in court, and had many hours of mental anguish, I think you would be sorry that you forced yourself to relive this terrible time in your life. She is not going to agree to give it back because she receives a letter from an attorney. She will fight you all the way and the burden of proving that she was unfaithful will be up to you. That will mean hiring a detective to gather the proof.

I have been personally been involved in only one law suit. It was against a doctor who was negligent. When it was his turn to defend himself, he lied and falsified his records. I was in shock. In the end, I lost and my attorney turned to me and said, “Did your really think that he would tell the truth?” Of course, I thought he would tell the truth under oath. I could not imagine anyone not doing that. Greg, if this woman was capable of emotionally abusing you and ruining your self-esteem in such a short period of time, can you imagine what she is capable of doing when there is a large sum of money that needs to be returned? When you find the woman of your dreams, you can take the money you would have spent fighting this woman and go on a wonderful honeymoon. - Dr. Ellen