Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been the primary care-giver for my husband's aunt
for the last two years. She died last month and her daughters just gave
me a check for $10,000.00.They stressed that the money is for me to do
with what I want. I also will be getting another check for the same
amount when her house sells.
I believe the reason it was stressed that the money should be for me is
two-fold. First, my aunt and I were very close. Even though she was
technically my husband's aunt, she was more like mine and I was the one
who was there for her. Secondly, when my husband and I separated 2 1/2
years ago, he stayed with this aunt. When he came back home, he just
told her he was leaving and never really made any attempt to go visit or
help her out. I know from what she said that she was very hurt by this.
Dr. Ellen, I owed $4,500.00 on a charge that my husband wasn't aware of
(it's for my business). My husband and I owed an old counselor
$2,000.00. I had just borrowed $1,500.00 from my dad to do things around
the house. I paid off my charge; I'm sending the money to the counselor,
paying back my dad and tithing $1,000.00. That leaves $1,000.00 which
I'm using for a business conference.
Do I need to tell my husband about the $$$? He probably wouldn't be
happy about what I owed on the charge. I'm sure he'll be fine with
everything else. I just don't know if I want to rock the boat. But I
also feel like I'm deceiving him by not telling him. So, you have any
advice for me? Thank you and blessings. - Reba
Dear Reba: As for your dilemma, I wish you had asked for my advice
before you went ahead and spent the money. I believe that when two
people are married, they have an obligation to make joint decisions on
major issues. Certainly, $20,000 qualifies as a major issue. I don't
blame your husband for getting very upset when he finds this out after
the fact. You feel like you are deceiving him because you are!
It's really hard for me to understand why you wouldn't consider this
check to belong to both of you, regardless of what your aunt's daughters
said to you. I really don't know how you are going to present this to
him, but you are definitely going to rock the boat, no matter what you
say. I believe in the saying, "The truth shall set you free" but in this
case the truth is going to cause havoc in your marriage. I feel that the
alternative is worse. The person who keeps the secret is always the one
who ends up suffering the most. My advice is to admit what you did and
tell him that the next $10,000 will be used any way he feels it should.
- Dr. Ellen
