Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 22 years old and I have been married for almost two
years to a man who is 5 years older than me and has a daughter from a
previous relationship who is now almost six years old. His daughter
lives with her real mother but we see her every Tuesday and Thursday and
she stays with us every weekend. We get along good for the most part and
I am trying to love her whole heartedly, but there is no real connection
there and every time I see her I think of her real mother who is a major
piece of work, but that is beside the point.
I seem to be doing the right thing with her because she has asked me
twice now if she could call me mom. The first time she asked it was
about a year ago and I said of course but later found out it wasn't the
right thing to say because when she went home she mentioned something to
her real mother and she was livid. She was told by her real mother that
she was not allowed to call me mom. Then she asked me again yesterday if
she could call me mom and I responded by saying that she would need to
talk to her father about that. My husband was out of the room at the
time but I told him what had happened and he went to her and asked if
she did indeed ask me and she said yes. He asked her how she felt about
it and she said good.
My question to you is, do you think she is asking again to get a rise
out of her real mother or because she wants me to be more motherly? And
most important...should the decision for a child to call their step-mom
"mom", be the real mother's decision, our decision, or the child's
decision? -And is it worth fighting for with the real mom? - Fran
Dear Fran: You are mature beyond your years! I have no doubt that this
little girl is so lucky to have you in her life and so is your husband.
When I am out with my grandchildren, who are still very young, they get
a kick out someone referring to me as their mom. They have each asked me
if they could call me "mommy" when they are at my house. My answer is,
"No", you have a mommy.
I realize that there is a big difference between being a grandmother and
being a step-mom. However, I don't believe that the title makes any
difference and the important thing is how comfortable and loved she
feels with you. That's why she wants to call you "mom". I do think you
would start a war with your husband's ex and as the child got older, it
would affect your relationship with her.
What I would do is sit her down and say, "I've thought about you calling
me "mom" and as much as I would love that, you already have a mom, so we
need to think up another special name to call me." Many people have
their stepchildren refer to them by using their first name and putting
"mommy" in front of it. So you would be "Mommy Fran." If that would
still make his ex uncomfortable, you could try out some cute nicknames
and come up with a special one. Even if you agreed to let her call you
"mom" when she's young, as she got older and especially into her teens,
she would be uncomfortable referring to you as her mom. I also don't
think it would be right to introduce her as your daughter because you
haven't legally adopted her. You would probably say, "This is my
stepdaughter."
So, to answer your question, I think that when a mom or a dad is
actively involved in a child's life, like her mom is, a child should
refer to his step-mom or step-dad by another term of endearment. - Dr.
Ellen
