Dear Dr. Ellen: My problem isn't about my marriage so I hope you can
still give me a little advice. It's about my mom. I arrived at her house
to pickup my children and her current boyfriend came out of her bedroom
ranting & raving about money. He was screaming at the top of his lungs
and just acting crazy. Let me just add that this man has a severe
drinking problem and drinks 24/7. When I told him to quit yelling, he
started yelling at me. My mom was sitting on the chair, begging him to
leave but he wouldn't. So, I called 911 and had him removed from her
house. She was grateful for that.
Well, 2 weeks later he calls her and tells her how he was going to
change and promises her that he will apologize to her children and
everything will be ok. They go out that night and he excused himself to
go to the restroom. A little while later he still hadn't come back to
the table so mom starts asking where he went and they tell her he had
left. She gets a ride home and he is there in her house in the tub,
passed out with the water about to run over onto the floor. She turns it
off and goes into her room to change clothes. He jumps up out of the tub
and starts ranting & raving again, but this time he is hitting her and
pushing her. He holds her down on the bed and spits in her face. She
tries to call 911 again and he takes the phone away from her and calls
them himself. Well they come and take both my mom and him to jail
because they couldn't determine the true victim.
To end this whole story, my brothers and I get her out and she promised
us that she was done with him and she wasn't going to put herself
through that again. Last night my brother called to tell me that she
went out with him again. My question is how should I handle this? My
brothers want me to be the one to say something but I just don't know
what to say. - Katie
Dear Katie: As a child, it is very difficult to have to assume the role
of a parent with your own mother but that is exactly what you will have
to do. First of all, you are putting your own children in extreme danger
by having them stay in a home where a man is verbally and physically
abusive. You cannot allow that to happen again.
Your mom has extremely low-self esteem and must not feel that she is
worthy of having a man treat her and her children with dignity and
respect. In her heart, she believes that she doesn't deserve any better.
We teach other people how we want to be treated and she has to set the
bar much higher. You and your brothers are going to have force her to do
that by making her choose between her children and this abusive
relationship.
All of you should confront her together. Arrange for a time for all of
you to go her house. Do not bring any spouses or children with you. Sit
your mom down and here is what you say, "You have to choose between the
love you have for us and this man. We love you and want you to be in all
of our lives but we can no longer allow that if you are going to have
any type of relationship with a man who treats you so disrespectfully.
If you choose us, then we are all going down to the police department
together and filing a report and issue a restraining order on him. If
you choose him, we don't want to have any contact with you whatsoever.
Our relationship with you will be OVER!!"
Now, if you can all be great actors and she really believes you, I'll
bet that she chooses her kids. This is called tough love for a parent! -
Dr. Ellen
