Dear Dr. Ellen: Seven years ago I was married to a man I loved very
much. After a few years of marriage, we decided to start a family and I
became pregnant with my son (now 4). When I was eight months pregnant,
my OB/GYN told me at a routine visit that I had a case of genital warts.
They had to treat it very aggressively to be rid of it before the baby
came and the pain was excruciating. I wound up going into labor the next
day and had my son a month early.
Upon telling my husband of the diagnosis that day and my confusion as to
how I could have gotten it, he admitted to me that he had gotten it from
a one-night stand right before we started dating and had never told me
about the infection. In fact, I flat-out asked him before we became
sexually active if he had ever had anything and he denied ever having
any problems. I was horrified, humiliated and in terrible pain. Between
those feelings and the stress of a colicky baby, I was at my wits end.
I was never able to regain my love or trust for him and left him a year
ago. I have recently begun dating. I met a man just over a month ago who
I have become very fond of. I was terrified about having to tell him
about my having HPV but was adamant that I would not trick someone the
way my ex did me. Regardless, I told him last weekend and he handled it
well that night. I was so relieved that the worry was for nothing, but
he did an about-face a couple days later and told me he could not
continue seeing me because he was afraid of catching the disease. I am
broken-hearted and have been crying for two days because I feel
disgusting.
Today, I called my OB/GYN to ask questions about how to tell potential
partners about this in the future and she told me that there is no need
to disclose this to anyone as my body has shown no signs of infection
for four years now. The medical belief now is that my immune system has
fought the virus and it is no longer an issue. I am thrilled to hear
this news as I cannot imagine the pain of having to deal with this
rejection again, but it seems too good to be true. (Of course, she
stressed that I should use condoms to prevent re-infection from someone
else and I will absolutely do that.) I would like to know how you feel
about this and whether it is still something that I should morally
disclose in the early stages of dating. Thank you for your advice. -
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia: As a general rule, I don't think that your health history
is anyone's business until you have a deep connection and there is the
potential for a committed relationship. I know you said that you had
been dating a month, but there is a big difference between seeing
someone every Saturday night which could mean only 4 dates and spending
the entire month together. The point is, I don't know how deeply
connected the two of you were before you shared this information. I feel
that it makes no difference whether you presently have a sexually
transmitted disease, or you have been successfully treated for a
sexually transmitted disease and therefore have been pronounced,
"cured." Either way, you still have a moral obligation to let your
partner know about it. My guess is that no matter how painful your
breakup was, this relationship was not meant to be, and it wouldn't have
mattered how long you waited. His reaction would have probably been the
same.
As devastated as you are, there is a blessing in disguise here. Because
of his rejection, you found out so much sooner that the medical
community has now given you an "all clear." That means, when you do meet
"Mr. Right," you can assure him that you no longer have something that
can be transmitted.
Because of my own experience with breast cancer, I frequently get asked
to speak to cancer support groups. I'm often asked, "At what point in a
new relationship do I tell him or her that I have or had cancer?" My
answer is, "When the relationship is more than casual."
There is usually quite a difference in dumping your personal challenges
on someone you've just met and waiting until there is a deeper
connection, before you tell him that you are recovering from a
life-threatening disease. Many people are afraid that once they reveal
their illness, that person will no longer want to be with them. My
response is, "Why would you want to be with someone that is insensitive
and uncaring?" If someone can't see past your illness or the effects it
has had on your body, the person can't see the true you." I have
personally met so many women who have had a breast removed due to breast
cancer or men who have gone through testicular cancer and have had a
testicle removed. They all confided in me that when they fell in love,
they felt safe enough to share what they had gone through and, in
return, received complete, unconditional love from their mate.
We all come with baggage. No one has a life devoid of secrets,
embarrassing habits, or situations that are difficult to share. There
are millions of people who have medical conditions that must be
discussed with anyone they are seriously considering having a
relationship with. If you have diabetes, epilepsy, cancer, MS or any
other condition that impacts your life, you have to share that with a
potential partner. If you are loved for your honesty and vulnerability,
you'll know that this is a person you can spend the rest of your life
with. If the person's reaction is negative, it is in your best interest
to know that as soon as possible and move on.
I do think that it is also important to point out that people are much
more understanding when it comes to an illness that they can't get
themselves. You can't get cancer, MS or diabetes from another person.
But if you have a sexually transmitted disease, such as herpes or HIV,
then you have a moral obligation to give your potential partner all the
information he or she needs so they can make a fully informed choice
about becoming involved with you. Remember, you deserve to be loved for
who you are and you deserve someone who is worthy of your love. - Dr.
Ellen
