Dear Dr. Ellen: The CEO of our company does all the hiring and firing. A
month ago he hired a woman who will be my partner on a 6 month project
starting in June. She is a very attractive woman, not married, about 10
years younger than I am (I am 46) and the few times we met, we get along
really well. Here is my problem. I do not know how to approach my wife
and therefore have postponed telling her about this woman. My wife is a
very jealous person. If I tell her that I have a new female project
partner, the first question she will ask is, "Is she pretty?" If I say,
"No" I'll be lying and if I say, "Yes," I will be drilled every single
day. I have never done anything to make my wife jealous. She and my 2
teenage daughters are my life. How do you suggest that I handle this? -
George
Dear George: It's very normal for a wife to feel a little jealous of
anyone that is going to be spending a great deal of time with the person
she loves. When you work with the same person day in and day out, in
many cases, you are spending more time with your WORKING partner than
you are with your LOVING partner. Over time it is possible to develop a
special bond which many women would feel threatened by.
It is important to understand that the reason you are able to form such
a close bond, is that you are in a very controlled environment. There
are no children to deal with, relatives, friends and money problems.
There are just two adults with shared professional goals, spending
quality time with each other.
I want you to keep in mind a very important principle that I have always
taught men in your situation. "The happier you are with your home life,
the more productive you are at work." Always make your spouse feel like
she is your #1 priority. Not only should you tell your spouse as soon as
possible, but she should meet this woman as well. Once she feels
comfortable with her, your wife will feel less threatened. If I were you
I would tell your wife that you would like to have her meet your new
project partner and either invite her over for a barbecue, or go out to
dinner and have your spouse get to know her. As for the little things
you can do to make your wife feel more secure:
1) When you leave in the morning make sure you put on your wedding ring.
If it has gotten too small, buy another one.
2) Make sure you have a picture of your wife and daughters in your
office.
3) When your work is done, don't socialize after hours. If you do,
always include your mate.
4) No cell phone calls to your home after hours. You must be able to set
boundaries and not have your work time interfere with your personal and
private time with your wife and children.
5) Always leave a phone number where you can be reached and tell the
secretary that she should always put your wife through.
6) Set aside 30 minutes each day to talk to your wife about each other's
day so that you are not two strangers living together.
7) Make sure that you and your wife have a date night once a week that
does not include children, friends or relatives. It is just for the two
of you.
8) Work hard with your project partner but have fun and love
passionately with your "life" partner.
- Dr. Ellen
