Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been married for less than a year and my sex life
is not going well. We were both virgins when we got married so both of
us did not have any experience. I don't know what to do because I don't
want to hurt his feelings and I am embarrassed to talk to him about it.
He's not romantic at all and it's getting to the point that I dread
going to bed with him because the only one who seems to be satisfied, is
him. I don't want to ask my mom or friends for advice so I thought I
would write to you. - Janet
Dear Janet: Let's put it this way, every man has the potential of being
a great lover - some have just not lived up to their potential. Believe
it or not, the job of teaching him about romance is going to be left up
to you. Why? Because he, like many men, did not learn about romance and
what to do to please a woman. After all, listen to any locker-room talk
in high school and boys will ask each other, "Did you get any last
night?" "Did you score?" "Did you conquer?" These are not tender, loving
questions. These are selfish, immature questions, yet some men of all
ages still operate on this level.
A man usually gets sexually aroused by looking at a magazine, an x-rated
movie, large breasts or long legs. His response is immediate and his
reactions are physical. For most women, sex is not an immediate
reaction. It takes at least 30 minutes for her to become aroused. She
also needs to feel emotionally connected to respond in a physical way.
For a man to become a great lover, he has to be taught sensitivity,
tenderness and patience.
When asked, men who are very romantic usually attribute their knowledge
to a woman who told them what they needed from them romantically. Some
men were lucky enough to learn about romance from their sisters who
actually taught them what women respond to and how they like to be
treated. Others have had experienced women give them lessons. Still
other men have said that they have had women leave them because they
weren't romantic enough and so the second time around they learned to do
things differently.
Men are not mind readers. Their bodies work differently than yours. Your
husband needs to know what pleases you. It's up to you to tell him what
turns you on. Some women love to have their hair brushed or have their
feet massaged. Others can't stand that. You have to communicate in a
loving way, what pleases you. And the time to do that is NOT while you
are in the middle of making love but before, when you are just beginning
to kiss and you know he's in the mood. You can say something like, "You
know what really turns me on is for you to hold me for a few minutes and
talk to me, or read something to me." It doesn't really matter what it
is, as long as it is something that will help you get in the mood.
Here are points to remember:
1) A woman gets aroused by words - I don't know any man who goes into a
bookstore and buys a gothic novel. Men are much more visual.
2) A man's hormone level is at the highest level in the morning; so many
times he wakes up and wants to make love. Her hormone level is highest
in the evening and that's why she likes to make love after they've had a
lovely evening together.
3) After a couple makes love, a man produces a hormone that puts him to
sleep and a woman produces a hormone that makes her wide awake. So she
wants to cuddle and there he is snoring! So she thinks, "He's just using
me."
The bottom line: we are very different and we need to learn, understand
and talk about our differences. You may feel embarrassed the first few
times but it's worth it. For him to become a good lover, it's going to
require you becoming a good teacher. - Dr. Ellen.
