Dear Dr. Ellen: I am holding a lot of anger and resentment towards my
husband's family, particularly his father. My husband's dad treats him
as if he is nothing. He seems as if he almost hates him. My husband
became the "man of the house" at the age of 10 when his father had an
accident and was confined to a wheelchair. I believe that is where his
father's hostility towards my husband lies. Anyway, my anger and
resentment towards his father is affecting our marriage and is only
hurting my husband, however, I don't know how to control it. What should
I do? - Jackie
Dear Jackie: It has to be very hard to see someone that you love treated
so poorly by his father. Your husband sounds like a saint, having taken
care of his father since he was 10. My guess is that you have already
told your husband of the pain and resentment you feel seeing him being
treated so poorly and he chooses to live with it rather than say
something. You have no control over your husband's relationship with his
family. You can only control your relationship with them. Remember, what
you DON'T see can't upset you. I think that you need to distance
yourself so you don't see how they are treating him. Tell your husband
that you will no longer accompany him on family visits because it hurts
to see someone you love being poorly treated and not appreciated. If
he's on the phone talking to a family member, you leave the room so you
don't hear the conversation. I think you'll find that your anger and
resentment should subside. There is nothing wrong with your husband
telling his parents the truth about why you are not there. If you are
really brave, you could tell them yourself. Obviously, what I would hope
for would be that your husband eventually confronts his father and asks
him to be more respectful and kinder otherwise he will lose a son as
well as a daughter-in-law and it will be his father's fault. Don't put
your husband down and criticize him for not confronting his father right
now. It will come in time. Make sure you give him all the praise,
respect and admiration you can. Tell him how much you value him and you
will not listen or watch anyone who doesn't! - Dr. Ellen
