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Relationship Counseling: My boyfriend has a bad temper
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been dating a man who is a recovering alcoholic. When I left him before he stopped drinking, he drove his fist through a wall in anger, then calmed down and accepted that he needed help. I really thought he was making
progress. Alcohol free, I never saw any type of anger displayed. The relationship grew and we
became engaged last year although he never was
able to get along with my 15-year old son. They
argued all the time so I broke off the engagement
with him. I felt I needed more time. Recently, he
saw me at a gas station and asked if we could
talk. In a calm voice I told him that I was late
for work and that I would talk to him later. He
got mad at this and sped off in his car. He sent
me e-mails at work but I did not respond. One day
when I came home, the back door of my house was
kicked in. At about the same time, he called and
left messages asking if I was all right. His
voice was calm. I returned his calls that night
and he never mentioned the door. He was very cool.
When a deputy questioned him, he finally admitted
to doing it. Now he is sending me online sites
about anger management and arguing as a couple
and messages about going to AA and making changes
in his life. He says that he is doing all this for
me. I really love him but I wonder that, if he
really loved me, why would he have done what he
did? I miss him so much. I am trying very hard to
think with my head and not my heart. I agreed to
meet with him with his pastor. I have not made
any promises to him about a future with him. I
guess I am seeking advice whether I should give
this man a chance with boundaries or should I
walk away? That may sound pretty cut and dry.
I just want to do the right thing. - Penny
Dear Penny: You need to go with your gut feeling
and intuition that is 100% right. From what you
have told me, you have given him very clear
messages. You have told him exactly what he needed
to hear. He needs to work on himself, not for you
but for himself. If he does it for you then he
will never follow through and he will resent you
for all the work that he will have do. Here is what
I would say to him since you are asking me for
advice. "I do care deeply about you but until you
have gone through AA for a year and anger management
as well we cannot be together. I do not want to walk
on eggshells always wondering what will set you
off." The other major concern I have is with your
son. What kind of a role model is this man? If you
think they are having problems now, wait till you
see what happens if you were to marry this man and
your son is a few years older, say 18 or 19. You
broke off the engagement for a reason. That reason
still exists. If you reread your email to me, you'll
see that you already have all the answers. - Dr.
Ellen
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