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Relationship Counseling: My boyfriend is married
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. The beginning of this relationship was filled with nothing but joy. It was very expressive, loving, and sharing. One year into this relationship I got the shock of my life. My boyfriend's, son's mother, called me to inform me that she was his wife. I was devastated for a whole year. He assured me that he would divorce her and that the only thing that has stopped him from doing so was the money. He makes a decent living, but taking care of our household due
to lack of funds on my part doesn't allow him much money for anything else. Recently, this relationship took another twist. After a lot of prodding from me, my boyfriend told me that he is jealous of a friendship that I've developed with a new male friend. This guy is someone that I work with and is nothing more than a friend. My boyfriend started giving out his cell phone number to some females. He claims that it was to get me jealous because he was hurting and wanted me to hurt as well. I know this is a lot of info. I had to leave some small details out because this story is so long. But, I hope that you can help
me figure this all out. - Cathy
Dear Cathy: Your boyfriend made a choice 3 years ago to have two women in his life and lie to you about his status. He may not call it lying but omitting information that would have influenced your behavior is lying as far as I'm concerned. He acted as though
he was divorced when in reality he was not. Since his wife had your phone number and called, I'm going to assume that he was doing to her what he is now doing to you. He had an affair with you and let her know about it so he could get her jealous. Believe me, it was not by accident that she found out where he was and it was not by accident that you found out that other women have his cell phone #. Your boyfriend is a deceitful person who doesn't know the meaning of love. It is devastating to find out that someone you
love cannot be trusted. My guess is that you stayed because he was very convincing in his promise for a future together. You also made a decision that you would trade loyalty, honesty and truth for dishonesty, mistrust and disappointment in return for a meal ticket. His taking care of the household was more important than your own dignity and respect. I know I'm being hard on you but you have to take a good look at your role in this relationship. There is a saying, "Fool me once and I'm a victim. Fool me twice and I'm a volunteer." Another way the same thing has been said is, "Fool me once and shame on
you. Fool me twice and shame on me." This is your second time around and I can only hope that you don't buy into his lies again. A person who accuses someone else of flirting when it's not called for is usually someone who flirts themselves. A person who accuses someone of cheating for no reason is usually a cheater themselves. We seem to find character flaws in others that we possess ourselves. So if he's acting like he is jealous of a
relationship you have, it is only because he cannot be trusted. The type of man you are describing has probably been through so much trauma in his life that it would take years of therapy for him to finally stop causing pain, turmoil, disappointment, chaos and heartbreak to the people who love him.
As for you, I know that you are hurting but you have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to find a man who loves you with all his heart and soul and isn't dividing his time between you and other women. Life is too short to settle for weeds when you can have a garden. - Dr. Ellen
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