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Relationship Counseling: My boyfriend is too critical
Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm hoping you can give me some advice on how to deal with personalities. My boyfriend of five years is a great guy...highly intelligent, very loving, hard working, generous, and caring. But the dark side, or should I say, annoying side of his personality is his tendency to be bossy, harshly critical, judgmental, rude, and vengeful. I believe this evolved because he was taught by his parents to speak his mind and this is the result. He not only does this to me but he does it to others, but since I am the closest one to him, I get the bulk of it. He will sling some criticism or rude remark at me, and two minutes later he's telling me he loves me. Sounds like emotional bribery.
I'm not trying to change him but I do want to change how I handle this behavior. If I react to one of his remarks then I am accused of having an attitude. If I say nothing then I'm wondering if I am doing more harm than good by keeping silent. It just seems to me that he is insecure and is trying to prove something to his colleagues, family and me. Why is he determined to intimidate people? My feeling is that I should ignore his remarks as long as they aren't truly hurtful, instead of getting into a shouting match with him and basically coming down to that level of behavior. I have to admit that some of his remarks really annoy me and I have to count to ten before I say something that I may regret. That is not my style. I don't like confrontation. I've tried arguing with him, but he shouts louder and I end up just walking away. - Joanna
Dear Joanna: At a time when you are not arguing, let him know that sometimes his remarks really hurt or annoy you and the next time he says something insulting in front of others you will give him a signal. (Make up a private signal that only he will see that lets him know that his behavior is unacceptable). Also let him know that when you give him the signal, if he doesn't stop, you will walk away or leave. Your job is to follow through. If you do this a few times, he should get the message that you want to convey. My guess is that most of the time he says things without thinking. Most of all, his current behavior has no consequences. Instead of a shouting match, your quiet signal will send the message loud and clear that you will not stand by and have him be rude, vengeful and critical. When he says these things when just the two of you are together, tell him that his words and actions really hurt you. If he doesn't stop, it is your job again to just walk away or leave. If he is the loving, caring guy you say he is, he will get the message that his behavior will not be tolerated by you. - Dr. Ellen
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