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Relationship Counseling: My boyfriend said that I'm no fun to be with
Dear Dr. Ellen: My boyfriend just broke up with me and said I was no fun to be with. I had a lot of responsibility growing up with an alcoholic mother. I was the one who took care of my brother and sister because my mom was in no condition to do that most of the time. So here I am as an adult with a good job that has a lot of responsibility. I make a good living but there is certainly no laughter on or off the job. After sulking and feeling sorry for myself for a few days, I realized that I am no fun to be with and don't know how to lighten up. So my question is how does a serious 27 year old female lighten up? - Cindy
Dear Cindy: In the movie, Big, the character played by Tom Hanks has an adult body but the mind of a thirteen year-old. A very contemporary, sophisticated woman is attracted to him. When she arrives at his apartment, he invites her to jump on his trampoline. She initially refuses, considering this to be a childish activity and certainly not something that a woman of her stature would engage in. He is very persistent and
won't take no for an answer. She finally agrees, takes one jump, and says that's enough. He keeps encouraging her to jump some more, and before you know it, she is having the time of her life, jumping higher and higher. He was able to draw out the "little girl" in her and allowed her, once again, to become playful, a part of herself she had forgotten existed.
The "little girl" in you has been buried for a long time and it is the breakup of this relationship that is forcing you to look within yourself and discover her again. I can remember seeing the movie, "Singing in the Rain." My brother and I had gone to a matinee and when we got out it was raining. I never forgot how the two of us splashed through the puddles. We never used our umbrellas and got soaked. All the way home we
sang the way Gene Kelly did, "I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain..." Boy, did we get into trouble when we got home but it was worth it. Growing up so many of us heard, "Grow up and act your age," or "Stop acting like a child," or "Stop laughing." In many cases, it was either shamed or punished out of you, so it remains buried deep inside. It takes a lot of work to bring out the wonderful childlike qualities we all possess and with a little persistence, you can reclaim that vital part of you that would be so fulfilling to you and your future partner. Pick one day and decide that you will be spontaneous. Do whatever you feel like doing. The more you practice being spontaneous, the easier it will get. On another day, decide to be playful. Start with baby steps. It's okay to give yourself permission to break out of your adult habit of being responsible twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I promise you, the world won't come to an end and you'll begin to feel more lighthearted about life in general. - Ellen
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