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Couples Counseling: My girlfriend has low self-esteem
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have fallen in love with the most wonderful woman. My problem is that she is constantly putting herself down. She's not happy with her weight, her looks or her brains. She says things like, "I'm so fat, I'm so ugly and I'm so stupid," all the time. How can I convince her that she is perfect in my eyes? It's really beginning to get to me and I find myself getting more and more annoyed when she degrades herself. - Jim
Dear Jim: It's going to take a very special man to boost your girlfriend's self-esteem. When I taught Light Her Fire, I used to read a story called, "The Eight Cow Wife." It's about a Polynesian boy named Johnny Lingo who fell in love with a young girl on a nearby island. Her father had degraded the girl until she had no self-esteem left. In this particular society, when you wanted to get married, you bartered with cows. If the girl was very plain and ordinary, it might cost you one cow. If she was an exceptional woman, you might wind up giving three or four cows. Women took great pride in the number of cows needed for the trade. Johnny could have easily traded one cow for his young bride-to-be, and her father would have been thrilled just to get rid of her. Instead,
Johnny offered eight cows, which shocked the whole village. When asked why he gave so many, he said he wanted everyone, especially his new wife to know how much he felt she was worth. As he took her by her hand, a great change came over her - the realization of her worth. Her self-esteem was raised and she took on the dignity befitting a person worth "eight cows." The girl unfolded like a lily in the spring with the fascinating charm of a real woman. Later, when one of the townspeople came to call on Johnny Lingo, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw Johnny's wife. She had changed from an plain,
insecure young girl into one of the most beautiful young woman he had ever seen.
Your girlfriend needs constant praise because she lacks confidence in herself. She probably received a lot of negative messages growing up from her parents, other kids,
teachers or other influential adults in her life. We can never underestimate the power of words. Heard often enough, they can destroy self-esteem. You will have to make up for what she didn't get. It will take a tremendous amount of love and tenderness on your part to bring out the best in your girlfriend. It may also take a great deal of your patience as well and it sounds like your patience is running thin. Keep seeing the good in her, compliment, praise and appreciate her no matter what she says about herself. Your pay off will be a woman who eventually will learn to accept herself and will love you with all her heart and soul. Remember this - If you treat a woman like a thoroughbred, you won't ever have a nag. - Dr. Ellen
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