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Relationship Counseling: My girlfriend keeps pictures of her ex's
Dear Dr. Ellen: I like your advice and column, so much so in fact, that I have a matter I'd like some help with. My fiancee and I are just now starting to live with each other even though we've been engaged for 8 months (she had to finish school in another state). The main issue that has surfaced has to do with her past. It is her unwillingness to get rid of old photos of her ex's or past "hook-ups". My issue is, when I knew we were going to be living together, I wanted anything and everything related to my past relationships not to be an issue so I threw it all away. So I didn't feel it would be a big issue for her to do the same. Quick note: I know that her past has helped to evolve her into the woman who I love today, however I don't feel I need to be reminded on a daily basis (photo albums). I let her know what was bothering me and asked her for some suggestions in alleviating this. She said she'd go through them and get rid of some of the photos. Here's how I blew it, I think. I was leaving the next day and she had all day to get rid of them, but she didn't. So that night, I'd had enough and finally let her know that I was really bothered by the fact that they were still in our new place. She got mad and went through some of the albums, lots of long sighs and finally she left the room. She came back and I could tell she was mildly annoyed with the whole ordeal and asked what was up. Bottom line she would take out some of the pictures, but some she didn't feel she HAD to, BUT she would take care of them and put them somewhere, other than our living room bookcase for every one to see, and not to worry, they'd be gone before I got back. THEY weren't, so I figured she was too busy fixing up our place to deal with something she felt was petty. I noticed they were now in a plastic container in our room, so I removed some of the 'troubling' photos from the albums and cleaned house. My logic in doing that was to make our home more peaceful/happy for me and ultimately her/US. I took some of the photos and placed them in the garage, so if this becomes a real SHOW STOPPER, with me invading her personal space etc.. I can give them back and we'll go from there. I feel that this really isn't that big of a deal on the whole grand scheme of relationships, but maybe there was a better way to handle it. I think with possibly another solution, I can learn more for the future. Thank you for all that you've done for me so far. - Greg
Dear Greg: You prove my point that opposites attract. For you it is important to let go of anything relating to your past relationships. For your fiancee it is important to keep pictures as a reminder of her past. Neither is right or wrong. In any love relationship there has to be some sensitivity to the other person as well as the ability to compromise. I believe that two people are ready to get married only when they both feel that the other person's happiness and well-being is as important as their own. This does not seem to be the case here. The fact that you took it upon yourself to remove the photos from the albums and clean house was completely wrong. That was an invasion of privacy and she has every right to be very upset when she finds out what you did. She won't accept the logic that told you it would make your home more peaceful and happy for her. You did it because you wanted it done immediately and were annoyed that she didn't "jump" when you told her how upsetting it was to you. She is also at fault. You told her how upset you were and instead of honoring your feelings, she was annoyed that you made such a big deal of old photos. Although she didn't say it, her actions said, "I'll do it when I'm good and ready and not when you want it done." She had no intention of throwing out her pictures that next day or any other day.
This really is a big deal in the grand scheme of relationships because you are both very insensitive to how the other feels. It will only get worse when you get married if the two of you don't learn how to communicate and relate differently.
So here is a scenario that I would have liked to see. You would have said, "I love you so much and the thought of you keeping pictures of you and your ex boyfriends really upsets me. Seeing them in our living room every day is a reminder of a time when you were with someone else and I want to make this our home with our pictures albums. She would probably explain that she doesn't understand what the big deal is because they are just pictures of her past that she enjoys keeping and looking at from time to time. It doesn't mean that she loves you any less, but if it upsets you, she'll remove them right away, because the last thing in this world she wants to do is hurt you in any way. You then would have said, "I don't want you to destroy them if it means so much to you, so how about getting a box and putting them in the garage? This way you'll have them and I won't see them." Now that's a dialogue from a couple that is ready to get married.
I'm not sure whether you've heard about my audio programs but you can go to my website, www.lightyourfire.com and find out more about them. There is one for men and one for women. They are about understanding what a relationship is really all about and how to keep fun, excitement, communication, respect and passion alive forever. Without new information, history will repeat itself. It would be a wonderful gift to give to each other before you got married. - Dr. Ellen
To solve your marriage problems without marriage counseling, visit Dr. Ellen's marriage counseling home page
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