Dear Dr. Ellen: How do I get control of my life without letting my
husband control or rule me. I am too emotionally in love with him and as
a result, I give in to all his desires and wants. Even if I am not too
happy with all of his decisions, I still do what he wants me to do. How
can I change that? - Veronica
Dear Veronica: It is an awful feeling to give up who you are in order to
make someone else happy. I know you don't want to, "rock the boat," or
"make waves," but in a good relationship that's exactly what you have to
do.
Wouldn't it be better if we fell in love with someone who was exactly
like us, had the same personality, interests, likes and dislikes?
Absolutely not! Do you know why? Because we're all on this journey
called life in order to learn and grow. You learn nothing when you're
always in complete agreement with another person. Conflict leads to
growth. It does not have to lead to divorce. Most men and women feel
that conflict or problems means that the relationship isn't working. I
believe that a relationship cannot work UNLESS there are problems and
conflicts. Your husband may feel that he should make all the decisions,
but it's up to you to teach him differently. If you stand up for what
you believe and want, yes, there will be conflict. But there will also
be growth, compromise and respect for each other.
Your husband can only learn to be more tender and understanding by
getting a negative reaction to his behavior when he acts like a
dictator. I've heard so many women say, "I gave up everything for that
man, I did everything I could to please him, and he left me." Of course
these men eventually leave! When you give up everything, you give up
yourself! Nobody wants to be with a sponge or parasite, or even worse, a
"nothing." When you give up you, you cease to exist.
The next time you feel that you are living with a dictator instead of a
partner because he hasn't asked for your opinion, clearly state your
feelings and then stick to them. The key to standing your ground without
inciting a riot is to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements.
For example, "I want to be included in this decision," instead of, "You
never include me in anything." Here's another example. "I don't agree
with what you want to do, so we'll have to discuss this further and come
up with some sort of compromise" instead of "you are wrong and making a
big mistake."
"I" statements take responsibility for your feelings. "You" statements
always attack the other person. The first time you tell your mate how
you feel, you may be told that you're stupid or ridiculous for feeling
that way. Your obligation is to stand behind your feelings. You can
respond by saying, "It may be ridiculous or stupid to you, but it's the
way I feel." Your husband may become angry and withdrawn for a few days,
but eventually he'll come around. This new behavior on your part will
earn his respect in the long run. - Dr. Ellen.
