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Marriage Counseling: My ex- husband has never grown up
Dear Dr. Ellen: I need advice, and since I have always read the advice of others but never asked for any myself, please honor me with your reply. My ex was a sort of prize. I met him in Turkey where I taught English, then went back to Turkey when I was 23,
married him, and brought him to America. Never mind how emotionally immature we both were - I had lots of hope. I soon learned that to take an immigrant out of his home isn't fair - I felt guilty that he was home sick, that he had never traveled, was dependent on his mother or parents for all his needs and autonomy, and was used to an extended family. When I was 3 months pregnant he decided he was homesick and went on a vacation to Turkey. Quitting his job, he then returned to America with his 14 year-old sister.
I was already a bit disillusioned by that time. I was all done with the wonderful fairy-tales I had envisioned. He was sexist and lazy. He wanted dreams to come true, with little want to make them happen. Though we had spoken of returning to Turkey, I knew that as a parent that was unrealistic for a female. I befriended a co-worker and poured my heart out. While "Alex" was in Turkey for over 2 months, "Steve" helped me with Lamaze classes and birth preparation. I knew I had a problem now, and was about to be expected to support 4 people, while my unrealistic and dependent spouse returned from Turkey with his sister - and no money, I might add. I had told him not to do that, and that he was very foolish. I also warned him that if he were so impulsive and irresponsible, I would divorce him. When he returned from Turkey, I moved out and left him with his sister. I had kept my word, and I was quite serious. This was no time to play games with a pregnant woman, and I was feeling quite abandoned by that time.
Alex stayed in the states for a few months, and then returned to Turkey with his sister. He returned again, but always complained about how he couldn't be a teacher because he didn't want to go through the trouble of taking the two classes necessary to upgrade his credential. He also wanted to be an air traffic controller, but did not want to wait to be a citizen. He was extremely impatient and unrealistic. I felt a bit guilty that I had brought him here - but not too guilty.
Now my daughter is 13 years old. Alex has disappeared from all contact for 3 years now. He has recently written to me. He says it's my fault his other girlfriend aborted his child because she didn't trust him to be responsible. He just doesn't take responsibility for his actions.
I have always considered myself honest, and I have had to put up with his pity-pot depression for all this time. He has never overtly blamed me as heavily as now because I think he should stop hiding and be a part of my daughter's life. But he says I "ruined his life" and I tell him that he is not holding himself accountable. Just how many men do this to women? And what am I supposed to let him do now that I have remarried? I really don't want him to be hostile to my new husband (1 1/2 years), and Rich really doesn't want any part of what looks like a battle just starting.
My goal is to get Alex to focus only on what's at hand and how to deal with our daughter's needs and his place in her life. That's not enough for him. He wants vengeance for his perceived failed life, and he seems to expect I owe him something. Yet he doesn't
get it - I am the person who raised this child as a single mother. I think he may never "get it." What can I do? Thanks. - Suzie
Dear Suzie: First I want to tell you what an incredible woman you are. You have gone through so much and have landed on your feet. Your daughter and your new husband are very lucky to have you in their lives. As for your ex, you definitely have him figured out and your psychological assessment of him is right on the mark.
I assume that he is now in his 30's with absolutely no signs of having grown up, which entails thinking of someone other than himself. If he didn't change as a result of the birth of your daughter, I doubt that he will change when she is 13-years old. For your own and your daughter's sanity you have to accept and so does she that he will not be part of her life. I believe that if he is living here in America, you can collect for child support by going through the legal system. It may take years but for your daughter's sake, he needs to be identified legally as a deadbeat dad. I personally know of a woman who did this when her daughter was 8 and finally 20 years later, when her ex finally sold his house, her daughter received quite a sizeable check. You never know what his financial picture
will be like in 20 years. He may get lucky and holding him accountable for as long as it takes, should be done legally. You can definitely do something about that.
Changing his basic core, which is selfish, irresponsible and lazy, is not something you have any control over. Having unrealistic expectations is what hurts people so deeply. If every birthday, holiday and special event in your daughter's life, has you and your daughter hoping to hear from her father, the disappointment and hurt will overshadow
the joy and happiness she should be experiencing.
My advice is to be as honest with her as you can. Let her know, "Your dad has never been able to cope with life and certainly has never been there for you or I. As hard as it is, we both have to stop wishing that he was different. You have to go on with the realization that you have a mother who loves you with all her heart, a step-dad who cares about you deeply, and a father who will not be part of your life. I know it's so hard to understand and accept, but this is the life you have. I love you and will always be there for you." Kids can really cope with what is and the truth. They have a tough time when a parent isn't honest or makes up stories to cover for the other parent. I hope this helps. - Dr. Ellen
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