Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband just walked out the door and told me that he
didn't want a Valentine's card from me this year because he's sick and
tired of my critical nature. It's true. He never seems to get upset at
me but for some reason so many things about him annoy me. We've been
married for 6 years and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I've been
crying about what he said all morning and don't know what to do. I know
he'll be upset if I get him a card and I'll be upset if I don't. - Meg
Dear Meg: To keep love alive, you have to be able to make your husband
feel good about himself. When you first fell in love all you saw were
his wonderful qualities. That's why they say, "Love is Blind."
Unfortunately, as time goes you get so caught up in the business of
raising children and the daily routine of life that you often focus more
on what's wrong with a person than what's right. Honor his request and
don't get a card. Instead, sit down and write him a love letter and
include all the reasons why you love him. Before you do this I want you
to really think about all the qualities you saw in him when you first
fell in love. To help you shift from your present negative thinking to
positive thinking, I want you to ask yourself these two questions:
1) How would someone else who has just fallen head over heels in love
with my mate view the same personality traits that have begun to
irritate me?
2) If my mate had only one more day to live, what would I be focusing on?
Remember there are at least two ways to view every personality trait,
from a positive or negative viewpoint. I'll give you some examples. If
you view your mate as unenthusiastic, another way of looking at it is
that he is often patient, consistent and low-key. If you see your mate
as indecisive, he's probably flexible, open-minded and philosophical. If
he's disorganized, he's probably spontaneous, creative and multifaceted.
If he's rigid, he's probably dependable, consistent and responsible. I
hope you see my point. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves
when they are with you.
Then, after you are done with the love letter, make some love coupons
and give them to him. If you don't have the time to do it by tomorrow,
you can still use the idea for another occasion - the day you met, his
birthday, or a no occasion gift. Somewhere write - "More valuable than
money is my gift of LOVE to you. Because you are so special, you are
worth my time, my energy and my effort."
Some ideas for coupons -
1. A morning of rest. Sleep as long as you want followed by breakfast in
bed.
2. A soothing bubble bath followed by a massage from head to toe,
guaranteed to relax that wonderful body of yours.
3. A lunch date at the restaurant of your choice. We'll enjoy the
pleasure of each other's company. Who knows where we'll have "dessert"!
4. A steamy shower for two - guaranteed to make you feel clean "all
over".
5. A shopping spree for the "nightie" of your choice. Let your
imagination run wild and let me be your fantasy.
6. King for a day. You pick the day and your every wish will be my
command.
7. One passionate evening in the room of your choice!
8. A snuggle date in bed. A day to watch T.V. and eat in bed. Nothing to
do but relax in each other's arms.
9. Kiss and make-up session. If I have upset you in any way, just
present this coupon and I'll listen to you, make it up to you and also
say, "I'm sorry".
10. A 10-second kiss. You pick the time, day or night, and we will
engage in a passionate 10-second kiss. I want to show you that, not only
do I love you, but that I am still "in love" with you. Happy Valentine's
Day! - Dr. Ellen
