Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband of 2 1/2 years walked out on me on January
31, with just a "Please forgive me" written on the back of our wedding
picture. I was devastated to find out that he was living with a 24 year
old. (He's 27 & I'm 40). The affair has been going on for quite
sometime, right in front of me, in public. When I asked him why, all he
said was that she could give him one thing that I couldn't - children. I
have no problem in that category. Since he's been with her, he has been
speaking to me up until a few days ago, when I made the choice for him.
What should I do? I love this man, and I know he still loves me. Should
I wait until he finds out that the grass isn't greener on the other side
or should I close this door and wait for another to open? I'm not a
spring chicken anymore. Help! - Rita
Dear Rita: It is not very often that I respond to someone so harshly but
I'm hoping to really shake you up. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! It's
time to think about what's best for Rita. You mentioned that your
husband had been seeing this girl for "quite some time." You've only
been married for 2 1/2 years! Unfortunately, you married a "boy," not a
man. This boy wants you to forgive him. Why should you? He is lacking
honesty, integrity, and courage, all qualities that are part of a man
with character. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a
relationship and without it you can't build a life together. The man you
are describing cannot be trusted. That is a function of his basic
character and not his age. There is a saying, "Actions speak louder than
words." What does it matter if a man tells his wife how much he loves
her, and then abuses her everyday either verbally or physically? What
does it matter if a father tells his daughter how much he loves her and
then abandons her? What does it matter if a boy tells his girlfriend how
much he cares about her but only has sex with her and never takes her
out on a real date?
You say, "I know he loves me." His ACTIONS are not indicative of a man
who loves you. My definition of "love" is, when someone else's happiness
and well-being is just as important as your own. Do you really think
that your husband is concerned with your well-being? When you asked him
why he was having the affair, the answer he should have given you was,
"Because I am a liar, a cheat and a coward and all I care about is
myself." Now THAT answer I can work with, not his poor excuse for
cheating. Also his writing, "I'm sorry," on the back of your wedding
picture was cruel and insensitive.
You ended your email to me with, "I'm no spring chicken anymore." Well,
40 is not over the hill! You have a lot to offer someone even if you
don't believe that right now. Take some time now to take care of
yourself and grieve your loss. Close the door on this chapter of your
life. You are still young enough to find a man who adores you and has
good morals and values.
In time you will realize that you deserve to have a man who loves you
with all his heart and don't you dare settle for anything less. Good
luck! - Dr. Ellen
