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Relationship Counseling: My mom doesn't like my new wife
Dear Dr. Ellen: My mom lives in another state and my new wife and stepson are visiting her for the first time. We were supposed to stay for 2 weeks but after a week I feel we should leave. My dad died many years ago so my mom lives by herself. She has always been a strong woman who is very opinionated and set in her ways. This trip she seems more guarded and distant than I have ever seen her. She was definitely not like this with my ex-wife. My new wife desperately wants to be accepted along with her son. There is so much tension and no one seems to be happy. I don't know what to do to make this better! - Carl
Dear Carl: You are in a situation that is very difficult. Your mother loves you and is very protective and cautious about accepting another woman in your life. She might have cared deeply about your ex-wife who is no longer in your or her life. Most people don't realize that when you get a divorce, the rest of the family suffers greatly if they had an
attachment to your ex-spouse. Many times the family never gets the chance to say good-by and have closure. They have no control over what is going on and feel helpless to stop it from happening. They never really get to say, "What about me. I'm going to miss saving you as part of my life too. Holidays and special occasions will not be the same." When you meet and fall in love with a new woman, many times the family puts up a wall because they either don't want to see you hurt again or they can't stand the pain of losing someone that they wind up getting close to. It just takes time for that wall to come down. Caring about a new spouse is simply a function of how much time is spent together and seeing how happy the two of you are. As for your new wife, she wants the reassurance that she is a more suitable partner for you than your ex. If she senses any resentment or distancing she becomes defensive and misunderstandings occur. Your job is to assure both sides that it's going to take time to get to know one another and they should both try and be as courteous and pleasant in the meantime as they can. Yes, you have to be the mediator in this case. You should also go for a nice long mother and son walk and tell her how much you love her and ask her to let you know what is bothering her. She probably has some pent up feelings that need to be aired and can do so if the two of you are alone. - Dr. Ellen
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