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Relationship Counseling: My mom's boyfriend is bad news
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 24 years old and live two hours away from my mom, although we've always been very close. My mother (52) has recently entered into a relationship with a man. She and my dad have been divorced for about 10 years (after 23 years of
marriage). She has dated a little here and there but nothing serious. Over the past 10 years she has really been working on herself and has become pretty independent. She is so intelligent and strong. I admire almost all of my mother's qualities.
Last month she moved in with the man she started dating about 6 months ago. This is a move I never thought she would make! But I hoped she had found love again and would be happy. She invited several members of the family over to meet him. He got very
drunk and vulgar and embarrassed my mom, insulted her brother-in-law and shocked her sisters. Needless to say my mom and her boyfriend got into a huge argument. He said it would never happen again. Now, her sisters and her are not talking.
The thing that has bothered me the most is that my mom never gets to do what she wants to do. It's always his choices. Even for her birthday, he bought her golf lessons (his hobby). She would rather have gone to the symphony. He won't do the social things she suggests...ever! He seems to be controlling and short tempered. These are traits that, to me, seem as though they could turn into mental abuse for my mother. In short, she is losing herself, the very thing she worked so hard to find over the past 10 years. She is giving so much to please him and he seems to give very little back.
On a side note, I asked my mom to visit me so we could go see a psychic after everything happened with her sisters. Although with psychics you can pick and choose what you believe, this one said to my mom that the man she is dating has a very dark side and things would come out of him that she would never expect. Recently, mother finally broke down and told me that this man is doing cocaine once a month (I think it's probably more often). She hasn't told anyone else. He began the habit in Viet Nam. This happened once before while she's been with him and he told her it would never happen again (seems to be his favorite phrase). Of course it did and she told him she was going to leave but of course he talked her into staying and said he would go through a rehab program at work.
How can I help her see that she deserves so much more? My mom is strong but defensive, forgiving but stubborn, speaks her mind but holds her silence for too long. Please give me some advice on how to handle this. I am worried that things will get
worse. - Melissa
Dear Melissa: There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love so deeply make such a poor choice after all these years. Unfortunately you cannot control what your mom does or doesn't do. The only thing you have control over is whether she feels safe enough to confide in you. That will only come about if you let her know that you love her no matter what and that you want to be there for her. When I find out that a woman is attracted to a man who is violent, drinks and takes drugs, most of the time it turns out that deep within her, no matter how she appears, she has little or no self-esteem and was most likely abused (abandonment falls under that category as well) as a child.
Since her earliest experiences with love meant pain, turmoil, disappointment, chaos and heartbreak, at an unconscious level, it feels comfortable and familiar when she meets a man who represents all of those early feelings. Even if she met a man who was honest, loyal and predictable, she would not be attracted to him. It takes a long time to realize that love is supposed to feel good and not something that continually disappoints you. Your mom is here on earth to go through her own lessons and you cannot speed up her journey no matter how right you are. She may have to be in this terrible relationship for a long time before she realizes that she has to give up everything she loves in order to be loved by this man. She may never realize it. Let your mom's experience teach you what "Not to Do" and you make wiser choices for your own life. That is what you can take away from this painful experience. You already sound like such a loving and caring daughter and your mom is so lucky to have you in her life. All you can do is to be there for her. - Dr. Ellen
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