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Relationship Counseling: My mother treats me like a child
Dear Dr. Ellen: I split with my husband about a year ago. My divorce will be final soon. The way we separated was very ugly. He left me and then continued abusing me emotionally up until I completely closed the door to him. It has been very hard for me. I loved him so much and at first I just could not believe that he was able to treat me so badly. It's also been hard as a single mom. My parents helped me a lot at that time. They supported me and they made me feel less lonely and abandoned. Thanks to them, I had a family. I had someone to talk to and someone who would actually listen to me. But now I'm starting to get tired of their attention. I had a big fight with them recently because my father mentioned that my ex was having a great time with some other woman and that he would probably marry her right after the divorce. When I started yelling and crying, they decided that I was still in love with him and that I probably wanted to take him back, so
they started walking on egg shells around me, which angered me even more. I do not want him back. I am not in love with him. But it still hurts to know that I was possibly betrayed, that the one I loved basically sold me out. I just want to forget it all. How can I make them stop bringing up painful memories of him?
The second issue I have with them is that my mother is treating me like I'm a 13 year-old. (I am 30). She always needs to know where I am, who I am with and what is going on in my life. I totally understand her concern. She is worried about my son and me, but I feel like I am suffocating. I need some air, some freedom. I can not go back into the safety net that I was in up until I got married. I want some privacy. I am 30 years old. I think I can handle life by myself now. And yet I feel that I may be wrong, that all I am saying is heartless because it probably looks like I was using them. I turned to them when I needed help and now I do not need them anymore. Am I wrong/right? How can I make it work with them? I do not want to offend them but sometimes I find it really hard for me to keep myself calm when I find myself in one of the described above situations. Please tell me what I need to do. - Kim
Dear Kim: It sounds like you are very lucky to have such wonderful, concerned parents. That is what healthy, normal parents do. They comfort, protect and worry about their children. The problem is you can't have it both ways. You can't live under their roof and expect them to treat you as an independent woman. To them, you will always be their little girl. You should pick a comfortable timeframe in which to move out and find a place of your own. It could even be close by so you can visit often. So they do not get hurt and feel rejected, ask your mom or dad if they would help you find a place. Let them be part of the process. With some distance between you and them you will gain their respect and you'll feel better about yourself. I can't promise that your parents will ever stop treating you like you are 13 but once in a while you can even enjoy being pampered. In a loving way, you need to tell them how much you have appreciated everything they have done, but it is time for you to spread your wings. - Dr. Ellen
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