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Relationship Counseling: My partner is supporting his son's poor life choices
Dear Dr. Ellen: My life partner, Joe and I have been together almost 6 years now. We live together, although his construction job takes him away often for months at a time. We have both been married previously, and we are in our mid fifties. I have no children and he has two sons, 28 and 30. His oldest son is divorced and has a 7 year-old son. They are in construction also and their home base is approximately 3 1/2 hours from us. Unfortunately, it has come to light that his sons are addicted to drugs - heroin. Last year Joe was working close to where they are living and he moved in with them. During the months he spent with them, things got extremely stressful as they pawned many of his tools and even an expensive gift we had bought his grandson. Joe also pays the rent on their home.
Unfortunately, Joe and I think very differently as to how this situation should be handled. Sadly, addictions are a way too common problem, and I saw what it did to my family. My father didn't see his only son for the last 5 years of his life because my brother was abusive, lying and stealing from him. This devastated my brother when our dad died as he hadn't seen him for years. However, it was right after my dad's death that my brother got "clean"
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I feel that "tough" love is what is called for in these extremely difficult situations. And Joe and his family feels that "unconditional" love is the answer. He thinks that since I do not have any children, albeit I am an aunt to my brother and sister's 3 children, I do not "understand". His mom is still alive and is 84 years old and has told me that their dad is afraid that his sons will start dealing drugs if he doesn't help them out financially and will wind up in jail. I feel that they "may" wake up and seek the help they so desperately need when they hit rock bottom. That their father paying their bills, bailing them out of sticky situations and covering up for them, is only "enabling" them and prolonging the pain. This has caused a major rift between my life partner, his family and I as they feel that he is "daddy" and should be supporting them no matter what. I totally understand that parenting never ends and he will always be "daddy". I feel, God forbid, if they were unable to work because of an illness or injury that we should be there for them, that I would expect to help them out, even have them live with us and take care of them. But, this is a different situation. They are adults now, are no longer small children and have made some "bad" choices, but they are "their" choices. Neither Joe nor I have any pensions to look forward to, except hopefully social security. I am a saver, investor, a
landlord and recently bought a home. I am trying to ensure that we will have the money we will need as we age. Unfortunately, Joe focuses most of his energies on his job and now seems to be torn between his family and myself. It is breaking my heart as I can feel the tension this situation has placed between us and me and his family. I have not made any ultimatums and am trying to stay open. For awhile he had his sons come help us move (not my decision) and they stayed with me for approximately a week. Their dad had to leave the state because of work. They were supposed to be helping me out - the house has many handyman-type projects needed, but they weren't much help. I was extremely nervous having them in the house as I know they have stolen from their dad in the past. They finally left. I feel for Joe as I know the enormous stress he is under now. And I am praying and hoping that we will successfully weather this storm together. Do you have any suggestions regarding how to handle this situation? I have asked him if he would like to invite his sons for Christmas, but he has declined. I feel I am between a rock and a hard place here. I so want us to "survive" this storm and would appreciate your input. - Evelyn
Dear Evelyn: I believe that you are 100% right and he is 100% wrong in "paying their bills, bailing them out of sticky situations and covering up for them." But, in this case, it doesn't really matter that you are the one who is seeing things clearly. This is obviously a dysfunctional family and he keeps, as you said, "enabling" them and prolonging the pain." I can't give you a better point of view than you already have. Your instincts are correct.
Unfortunately, sometimes, the only way someone will go for help or decide to change on their own is when they finally lose everything and everyone who matters to them. Then,
miraculously, they are motivated to change. Watching someone who chooses to destroy himself little by little is not the right thing to do. I also say that you stand by people's side through thick and thin when events or situations occur that they have no control over. However, when they choose to do drugs, they need to know what it is like to lose the person who loves them more than anyone else in this world (in this case their dad). They need to hit rock bottom before they go for help and DECIDE that their family is more important than the drugs.
We all have a guide that tells us what to do and it sounds like yours is pretty strong. The only thing you can do is to have absolutely nothing to do with the boys until they clean up their act. Your partner will continue to enable them until he finally sees the light. You are not going to be able to speed up that process for him. He has to go on that journey by himself. Do not invite his sons over again and don't spend time with them. Here's what I think you should tell your partner. "I love you with all my heart and soul and I want so much to have a place in your family. I cannot however pretend that what is going on is
acceptable. So, the only solution is for you to continue seeing them and exclude me from the visits. I don't feel comfortable in their presence but don't want to interfere with the relationship you have with them." You are right, he is and will always be their "Daddy" and you have no control over the relationship he has with his sons. What you do have control over is the relationship you have with them and the relationship you choose to have with your partner. - Dr. Ellen
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