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Relationship counseling: My sister is taking advantage of me
Hi Dr. Ellen: I've got problem. I have been recently caring for my two year old nephew while my sister works. Her husband was incarcerated in February. I take care of my nephew 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. It seems that I am caring for him even after my
sister's work day is over. I give him baths, feed him etc... and I'm still babysitting! I don't mind helping her but sometimes it goes to far. My nephew has learned to say "bitch" and he calls me it every time I try to put clothes on him or change him. What do I do? I have spanked him but it seems that it does no good. He cannot be put into daycare because
he has RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) and no day care will take him. I'm not getting paid for this nor am I getting time for myself. I'm at my wits end at what to do. Can you help? - Diane
Dear Diane: Your sister is very lucky to have you in her life. Unless you tell her that this is too much for you, she will continue to take advantage of your kindness and responsible nature. I completely understand that she needs your help in order to earn a living. But the truth is that she is distancing herself from her own child by not getting him as soon
as her work day is over. This child needs to know that his mother loves him and wants to be with him as soon as possible. It is very confusing for a child to have a mom who is never there for him. The truth is that in order for you to give him the love and attention he craves, you need to set boundaries for your sister. Otherwise you will resent her and the
child. That is not good for anyone. Tell her that this is getting to be too much for you and that you are willing to watch him while she is working but that is it! She has to be with him when she gets off work. If she can't, then she needs to find another babysitter. You are not his mother. You are his aunt. If she doesn't want the responsibility of being a mom then she needs to make other arrangements.
As for calling you a "bitch," spanking is not the answer for a young child. They pick up every word they hear and the only way they keep saying or doing something is by getting a reaction out of you. Some of the things that come out of the mouths of my two grandchildren who are both 2 1/2 years old really surprise me. If you just ignore it, sing a song, tell him a story or give him a special toy to hold and look at when you are changing him, you'll have less of a struggle. My grandchildren both carry on as well when being changed. The key is to distract them. I know you have your hands full right now but that
little boy is lucky to have a stable, loving aunt. God Bless you for doing what you do. Just try to set up some boundaries for yourself so you don't get mad and exhausted. - Dr. Ellen
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