Dear Dr. Ellen: My wife and I work in different sections for the same large government agency. While our duties are not related, she occasionally works with people that I also work with on a daily basis. Recently, she was having difficulty completing an action with someone, a female. I offered to assist her, since I'm often in the area anyway. My wife remarked that she was concerned that this person sounded very nice and I might have another reason to want to see her. I attempted to assure my wife that was in fact not the case, aside from the fact that I have no wish for any relationship outside of my marriage, I find this woman to be unattractive anyway. My particular concern is that this kind of jealousy played an important role in breaking up my first marriage. Since this is a trend, I may be doing something, quite unintentionally, that creates this tension. I am a nice guy, tend to be outgoing and interact easily with people (my wife thinks I am good looking, but I see my self as short, entering middle age and heading towards a bare dome). It is also possible that both my ex and current wife have self esteem problems, they are similar in other areas so why not this one as well. Dr. Ellen, my intent was to support my wife by assisting her, another way of showing I care, but the result was to create tension. I can not work or interact with women that would cause an equal opportunity problem. I probably won't offer to assist my wife anymore. What do you suggest? Oh, by the way, my wife is not the kind to admit any insecurities or conflicts so problems are not dealt with. Suggestions? - Ken

Dear Ken: Some women think that jealousy is proof of their love. In reality, it is proof of insecurity, and an insecure woman becomes very unattractive to most men. Some jealousy is normal in any love relationship. Every woman wants daily reminders that her mate won't find greener pastures, outgrow her, or find other people or activities that are more exciting and interesting than she is. But extreme jealousy will eventually ruin a perfectly good relationship. If you have friends, interests, obligations, and activities that take you away from her, it is the constant accusations that will eventually drive you away from her and not the other people, interests or activities. When two people love each other there has to be trust between them. TRUST is the most important ingredient in a relationship. If your wife doesn't learn to trust you then there is no solid foundation to build a life together. Here is what you should do. Write to her from your heart or have her listen to you as you describe how much you love her but how frustrated you are with her jealousy and control. Let her know that you do not want to spend the rest of your life together feeling mistrusted. She really does have to learn a new way to relate to you. If she says she will not change and that's the way it is and will always be, then, "What you see is what you get!" It is up to you to decide whether you can continue to walk on egg shells. She may have to lose you for a while before she decides that you are worth her time and energy to make some necessary changes. Most women have to be alone for at least a few weeks before they see things clearly. You deserve to be in a relationship that brings you happiness and fulfillment. This relationship will not work out if she doesn't trust you and you constantly have to reassure her. Although you didn't mention it in your email to me, your wife may have been hurt previously by someone who was guilty of these actions. If that is the case, then reassure her that you are different and that she needs to trust you because you have never given her any cause to be concerned. Or it could be that she was unfaithful in the past and is assuming that you will be the same way. Whatever has caused her to feel this way, this is a hurdle that you need to overcome. Telling her, in as loving a way as you possibly can, how much you love her; that you want to spend the rest of your life with her but this unfounded jealously must stop or it will drive a wedge between both of you, is your best chance to get her to change her behavior. - Dr. Ellen