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Relationship counseling: Pressure to marry so mom will have grandkids
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have a question that maybe you can help me and others with. I am an only child, age 26, and live in California near my mom, grandparents and aunt. I am the only child in the whole family as my aunt never had children. A few years ago my father,
who is divorced from my mother, moved to Florida with my step-sister (who I am close to), her baby, my step-brother and my step-mother. I am tempted to move to Florida because I have been having a hard time affording housing in San Diego, and basically,
I just want a simpler kind of country life. My boyfriend says that if I want to go, he'll come with me. HOWEVER, here's the issue. I feel tremendous responsibility to my mom, grandma and aunt to stay and be with them. My grandparents are getting older, my mom gets lonely without me and my aunt would really miss me. I feel pressure to marry my
boyfriend now and have children right away so my mom will have grandkids and my grandparents will be proud and see me marry before they die. What should I do? My boyfriend and I aren't engaged yet, although we are planning on marrying in the future, so
having children is a few years down the road. But I feel as though I cannot leave California because it will break my mom's family's hearts and I'll be miserable. I find myself wishing my mother had more children so I didn't feel the pressure of providing all the grandchildren, the only wedding celebration, etc. I hope this letter makes sense as it is tearing me apart. Please advise. - Janice
Dear Janice: I know this is a very tough decision for you. You love all of these people very much and don't want to hurt them. Many times in making a decision you have to ask yourself, "Which feels less worse?" Most people think that once they make a decision, they will feel great. That's not usually the case. Each decision has its pluses and minuses
and it becomes a choice of which one feels less bad to you. I believe that it is not in your best interest to try to fill the void in everyone else's life. You should not speed up your timeline for marriage so that your grandparents can attend your wedding before they die. You certainly shouldn't have a child just to give your mom a grandchild. As a mother myself, I know how hard it is when one of your children lives thousands of miles away. It does break your heart for a while. Then, you eventually come to terms with it and make the best of it. Thank goodness for email, telephones and special deals on airline tickets. If it hurts too much, your mom can always move to Florida as well.
Here's something else to consider. You may move and 6 months later decide that you want to go home. No decision has to be permanent. When my husband and I got married, we moved 3,000 miles away from our families because we wanted a new adventure, to be on our own in a new city. We had lived all of our lives in N.Y. and wanted to experience the West Coast. We broke our parent's hearts as we packed up and left for our cross country journey. When I became pregnant with my first child a couple of years later,
we decided to move back home. Two years after that, we were back in California.
I am sure that you have brought a tremendous amount of joy and companionship to your mom, grandparents and aunt. Why not have a family meeting and let them know how you feel? Tell them that you are not certain that it is where you want to stay, but for now it
feels right and you would like their support. If you don't get it, you may find out something very painful but important for you to know and that is that certain people may care more about themselves than what will make you happy. If you do get their support, you will feel much better about your decision and you will also know how much they care about your happiness. I always teach parents that they should give their children
roots and then wings. It sounds like it's time for you to fly! - Dr. Ellen
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