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Relationship Counseling: Religious Differences
Dear Dr. Ellen: I've been in a relationship for a year now and absolutely adore my man. He is wonderful and everything I could possibly want. But he works in a different country and I would leave everything and join him (I sound like a doormat) if he asked me. Here is the problem. He is a different religion than I am and according to the law of his country he can't marry an outsider, so it's a big decision for him. If he stays here it would mean never going back to his country and being cut off from his family who are very important to him. I really don't believe that I could just convert to his religion for the sake of marrying him if I don't believe in his religion. I love him to bits and can't stand to be without him. He is taking a long time to decide and thinks it is ok to just correspond via emails and on the telephone etc. and see each other once a year, indefinitely. It's just not enough for me. Should I just give him a reasonable amount of time to decide or just move on? I'm really unhappy without him and I know he is too, but men seem to have this way of being detached or maybe just better at handling it, or am I just kidding myself? I'd love to get another perspective on it. - Cynthia
Dear Cynthia: I have always felt that the poet and philosopher, Kahil Gibran was correct when he gave parents the following advice in 1923, "You may give them your love, but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts." So, if his parents were asking for my advice I would tell them that every family has to have room for a child who sees the world and their life differently than they do. Their expectation is to have a child who believes what they believe, mimics their likes, dislikes and follows what they would do.
Since this is not the case with their son, I would advise them to love him unconditionally and support whatever life he chooses for himself. But unfortunately for you, his parents have not asked for my advice, you have. And so my advice to you is that you must weigh the consequences of your decision to date a man whose parents disapprove of the relationship. Your love has a heavy price tag attached to it. He has to ask himself, "Is my
love for this woman strong enough to withstand the trauma of my family cutting me off and never speaking to me again?" His love has to be strong enough to survive in spite of going against family values and traditions. He has to be so sure that no matter what anyone says or does, you are the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
By taking his time to decide and telling you that he thinks it okay to just correspond via e-mails and on the telephone and see each other once a year indefinitely, leads me to believe that he does need his family's blessing and isn't willing to cut them out of his life.
A serious relationship requires 2 adults who are willing to commit themselves to each other for better or worse, no matter what the obstacles. Whenever we are insecure or
unsure of a decision, it is always wise to postpone making it until we have weighed all the pros and cons and can live with the cons. He is very wise to not act impulsively.
I always advise a woman in your position to continue loving him and treating him with kindness but give yourself a time limit. Maybe it is 3 months, 6 months or 2 years or 5 years. It is a very personal decision. If nothing changes by the date you chose then you will know it is time to move on. - Dr. Ellen
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