Marriage Counseling Advice from Dr Ellen

Relationship Counseling: Dad is Uncomfortable with his Daughter's Behavior

Tue, 20 May 2008 03:00:00 GMT

Dr Ellen's Weekly Marriage Counseling Advice Column

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 46 yr old man, happily married for the 2nd time. I have 2 adult daughters (20 & 24 yrs old). I have raised them to believe that the children always come first before the marriage and I have not told them "no" often enough. I now realize that this is one of my biggest mistakes. My youngest has been acting peculiar and I'm not sure how to handle it. It is almost as if she has an unhealthy attachment to me, like a girl to her boyfriend. She has made it a habit to tell me every time she goes to the doctor, no matter what it's for (even personal things). She also has told me every time she's sick, even for the sniffles. She has made the statement, "My dad would lay down in front of a moving freight train if he knew one of us was hurting." This behavior went on while I was still married to her mother.

As a Christmas gift to me last year, she wrote a poem stating that the most special love that exists is the love between a daddy and his daughter and framed this with pictures of her and me together. There have also been several instances where she has said that she comes first before my wife and that they should not be on the same playing field in my heart. Last night she told me that she had purchased a frame and put a picture of me with her at her birthday party on her desk at work. She also mentioned that this was her favorite one. This made me uncomfortable and I feel that something needs to be said.

I'm just not sure what it should be. Neither one of my girls has handled my divorce and remarriage well. They have been rude and disrespectful to me and to my new wife. This behavior is affecting my relationship with my new wife. It makes us both uncomfortable and I'd like to stop it before things get any worse. - Perry

Dear Perry: There is nothing unhealthy about a young woman who loves her father with all her heart and believes that he loves her. In fact, from what you described, I know that when the time is right, your daughter will choose a good man who reminds her of you and treats her like a queen. If all women had the relationship your daughter has with you, they would not marry abusive, controlling men. A father's deep love and commitment to his daughter has everything to do with how she expects to be treated later in life. Studies are now showing, for the first time, that a father's love or lack of it, has more of an effect on a daughter's self-esteem and the future choices she makes in men, than a mother's love.

It might be true that right now she may have an unconscious fear that, just like you left your marriage, you may decide to cut her out of your life as well. So, she may be going out of her way to let you know how much you mean to her because she doesn't want to lose her Dad like her mom lost him. A little extra assurance on your part is definitely needed and not a lecture about how you need to distance yourself from her because she is making you feel uncomfortable.

I am not sure if these are really your true feelings or you have been influenced by your new wife. It is very common for a new wife to feel threatened and jealous of the relationship her husband has with his biological children. Sometimes it includes the ex wife as well, although it doesn't sound like that is an issue for you.

I hope that you will be strong enough to take a stand and not allow your new marriage to undermine your role as a loving, giving and caring father. The fact that your daughter feels comfortable telling you about her life and gave you such a beautiful Christmas gift means you are a GREAT DAD!!! I cannot imagine why you are turning your incredible relationship into something ugly except to appease your wife.

As for their rudeness to you and your wife, that is a separate issue and should not be tolerated under any circumstances. You should sit down with both daughters and explain that the love a father feels for a woman is very different than the love he feels for his daughter. One is not better or deeper, they are simply different. You need to tell them that you understand how painful this divorce was on everyone but that rude and disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated. I believe that if you let them know how much that hurts you, you will get a positive reaction from them. I think that based on the open relationship you have, it would take only one heart to heart conversation from you, letting them know what you expect of them and what the consequences for bad behavior will be. Right now your youngest daughter is competing with your wife for your love. You will have to tell both women that you will continue loving them with all your heart and there is enough love for both of them. - Dr. Ellen

To solve your marriage problems without marriage counseling , visit Dr. Ellen's marriage counseling web site at www.LightYourFire.com

Relationship Counseling: Parents Should Not be in the Delivery Room

Tue, 13 May 2008 03:00:00 GMT
Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I will be in the delivery room with my daughter and her husband in about 2 weeks. The problem is that my ex-husband, my daughter's biological dad and his wife (my daughter's step mom for the past 10 years) want to be there as well. I have a lot of resentment toward this woman because she was the reason my husband left me. I have made my peace with my ex and am happily married to a wonderful man who has been an incredible step-dad to my daughter. However, the thought of sharing this moment with this other woman will be more than I can handle. I know she has been part of my daughter's life for a long time but I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't want our first grandchild to be born in a room filled with hostile feelings. What do I say and what do I do to make this an enjoyable experience for my husband instead of the dread that he is feeling? - JoAnn

Dear JoAnn: First of all, the only one that should be in the delivery room when your daughter gives birth is her husband. I feel that this is such a big mistake that so many families make. The moment of birth is such an intense experience. That intimate and personal moment when a child is born, should be just as private as conception is. It should not be a family affair. So, I feel that the entire family should be waiting outside of the delivery room. This day is not about you, your ex, his wife or your husband. This is about making your daughter and her husband feel as comfortable and happy as possible. It is up to the doctor to let the rest of the family know when and how many can come in to see her after she delivers. Your daughter has enough to worry about without being also concerned with everyone else's feelings on the day she is delivering her baby. Let your daughter know that you have had a change of heart and that this really should be a private moment between her and her husband. Then, if she agrees, she should explain the new change of plans to her dad and his wife. She can just say that she and her husband have decided that they will be the only ones in the delivery room and everyone will come in once she gives birth. Hopefully, they will respect her wishes. I believe that your daughter and her husband will be forever grateful if their best interest is on everyone's mind for this one day and all jealousy and resentment is set aside.

As a grandparent myself, I can tell you that there is nothing you have to do or say to make this an enjoyable experience for everyone. The moment each one of you gets to hold the baby in his or her arms, you will be in awe and experience pure joy. Nothing else will matter except the knowledge that you are all holding a miracle in your arms. - Dr. Ellen

Relationship Counseling: Long Distance Relationships Rarely Work

Tue, 06 May 2008 03:00:00 GMT
Dear Dr. Ellen: I've known this man since we were in grade school. His mom and my mom are best friends. We have not seen each other for several years but have kept in contact through phone calls and then emails, especially on each other's birthdays. We live 2 states away from each other but recently met face to face at our 10 year high school reunion. We both felt a strong attraction and had a wonderful weekend catching up on each other's lives. Just to let you know, I'm a single mother of a 10 month old baby girl. He knows that and after giving me a sweet kiss at the end of the night, he said he could see us together in the future and had no problem that I have a child. We kept talking by email but then as the months went by, it seems like he's losing interest. Could it be because we live so far apart? I would just like some feedback on your thoughts on this situation. My mom would love for us to be together, and so would his mother. Any advice would be great. Thanks. - Kelly

Dear Kelly: It may be that after thinking about it, he felt the long distance was too much of an obstacle or that the baby was more than he could handle. Many men that are in their 20's are not ready to settle down with a ready made family. My guess, and that's all it can be is a guess, is that you are not there to kiss him or be in his arms, so if he has the choice of e-mails and phone calls or someone who lives close by that he can have a relationship with, it's just easier to put his relationship with you on hold.

If money and time were no problem, then you or he could fly and see each other every weekend. But since it would be quite expensive to fly or take a great deal of time to drive, it becomes an impossible situation. I am not a fan of long distance relationships, especially in the beginning when you are trying to establish a close bond, because, most of the time, they don't work out.

I'm sure you can see him as a possible husband and father but he may not be ready and doesn't see you as someone he can just have a fling with. Being a single mom with a 10 month old baby is not easy. I assume that you have a job and a good support system where you are and it would be difficult to just pick up and relocate to where he lives. So, I think that he told you what was in his heart at the moment - that he could see both of you together in the future but, unfortunately, not the present. You can continue to keep in touch and value the friendship you have built, but as far as dreaming about him being your future husband and daddy to your daughter, I think that you are just setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment. I know it feels comfortable and familiar to be with someone who you have so much history with but, there is a big difference between keeping in touch a few times a year and sharing your lives for a weekend vs. developing a deep, passionate and loving relationship based on the present experiences you share on a daily basis. You deserve to have a man who loves you with all his heart and soul and don't you dare settle for anything less. You and your daughter deserve that. As for your mom, it is every mother's dream to see her daughter loved and happy. If that could be with her best friend's son, all the more wonderful that dream is. But, in this case, it is better left as a dream. - Dr. Ellen

Relationship Counseling: I Fear My Marriage Will Be Affected by Aging

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 03:00:00 GMT
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 46 years old and in pretty good shape. I had my first child when I was 18 and then my second at 19. Both my children are living on their own. This is my second marriage and I want it to last. My husband is 48, a great guy and a wonderful step-dad, who my kids adore. We were dating for 2 years and have now been married for a little over a year. I don't want to reveal what my husband does for a living but he is always surrounded by young beautiful women. His first wife was a former beauty queen. I am having such a tough time with my own self-imagine and constantly feeling that I can not measure up. I am spending a lot more hours in the gym and thinking about having cosmetic surgery done to my face and enhance my figure. My husband assures me that he loves me just the way I am and is happy with the way I look. This is truly coming from me and not him. How do I get rid of the constant nagging voice in the back of my head and just accept the fact that we all have to age and to simply try and do it gracefully? - Patsy

Dear Patsy: We have all been exposed to such unrealistic ideas of the human form and face that it takes a superhuman effort to overcome the fear of being less than perfect. Perfect faces and perfect bodies are everywhere we look. Magazines, TV and movies all glorify perfectly sculptured faces and hard bodies. It's great that you are attractive, but that is not what is going to make your marriage last. If looks were the answer, then so many of the "beautiful people" in Hollywood would not be alone or divorced as many times as they are.

As we get older, many of us fear that we will no longer be physically attractive to our mates. After all, how could someone love our wrinkles, flabby skin, and aging bodies? The truth is that true love doesn't fade with age. In fact, it's just the opposite. When you really love someone, you love that person from the inside out. His or her internal beauty increases and improves with age. Every line, wrinkle, and stretch mark represents the precious time you've been together and the memories you've shared. By accepting your body with all its flaws, you accept yourself.

You asked me specifically how you can "get rid of the constant nagging in the back of your head." It isn't going to happen in the gym where all the other "perfect bodies" are. It would happen if you volunteered your time to raise money for good causes, like cancer, diabetes, AIDS or multiple sclerosis research. It would happen if you volunteered your services to The Red Cross which needs 40,000 volunteers to help with hurricane relief. It would happen if you volunteered your time at your local hospital. Once you fight for something larger than yourself and try to help other people with their pain, you truly forget about your own short comings. A study which involved 2,700 residents in Tecumseh, Michigan, observed that residents who volunteered their time for community organizations were two and a half times less likely to die from disease, compared to those who did not volunteer. Helpers also reported that they had fewer colds, headaches, backaches, and even relief from the pain of chronic diseases, such as ulcers, asthma, arthritis and lupus. So, helping others may be as important to our health as regular exercise and proper nutrition. I know that volunteer work will definitely boost your self-esteem. The old saying, "Pretty is as pretty does" is as true today as it was in our grandmother's day. - Dr. Ellen

Relationship Counseling: My Mother-In-Law is Destroying My Marriage

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 09:00:00 GMT
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 32 and my husband is 34. We have 2 children, ages 4 and 6 months. I am having a problem with my mother-in-law. The fact that I have a problem with her is affecting my marriage and how I view my husband. I don't think she will ever forgive me for marrying her son. She twists things and says things to make me look bad. She is, in her own sneaky way, trying to undermine my marriage. I finally confronted her yesterday and asked her if she had any reason to dislike me or if I have done anything to hurt her? To my face, she acted surprised and shocked that I would even think that. I gave her a few examples, the latest being when she came to see her grandchildren a few days ago. I had put my son in "time out" because he was acting up. She never said anything at the time but then as soon as she could, she called my husband and said that I was not really handling my son in the proper way. She said that, "He is out of control because of bad parenting." Of course, when I gave her that example, she said that she didn't mean anything by it. I had really lost it with my husband when he told me what she had said and told him that if he didn't defend me, we could just go our separate ways. He's a wonderful husband and a great father but his mom is really going to destroy what we have. I am slowly losing all respect for him. Maybe I wouldn't be so sensitive if this was the first time. It happens over and over. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I have tried to be a good daughter-in-law in the past, but I am now at my wits end and can't stand the thought of talking to her ever again. My husband always tries to defend her and tells me that she doesn't mean any harm. Well, if she is an example of "no harm," then I cannot imagine what she would have to say or do, for him to realize that she is absolutely harming me and our marriage. Please tell me what I can do, short of divorcing the man I love. - Gina

Dear Gina: One of the things I always teach men is that, "A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life. A son is a son till he gets a wife!" Your feelings and your needs should be your husband's #1 priority. The irony here is that one of the main reasons he is such a wonderful husband and father is because he grew up feeling loved and has had a great relationship with his mother. He loves and respects her as a son should. However, if she is continually hurting you and talking behind your back to him and other family members, it's time to put a stop to that. He should definitely be defending you and letting her know that he wants this to end! It will have much more of an effect if it comes from him. He has to say these exact words, "From now on, if you do not have anything nice to say about my wife, then please don't say anything about her at all. I will no longer listen to you or anyone in this family who is disrespecting her by gossiping behind her back. When you say hurtful things about my wife, you are hurting me. So, this has all got to stop if you want to have a relationship with me and your grandchildren!"

As for you, when you have a mother in-law like you do, from now on, you must never be alone with her. Always make sure that your husband is in the room. If he leaves, leave with him. That means you don't EVER talk to her on the phone or anywhere else alone. This way, your husband hears first hand what she says and sees for himself what is going on and how destructive she is. My guess is that this woman will be less likely to be hurtful in front of her son and less likely to twist things because he was there. You have already confronted her and it has probably gone on deaf ears. So, now it's time for you to protect yourself and have your husband step up to the plate. - Dr. Ellen As for you, when you have a mother in-law like you do, from now on, you must never be alone with her. Always make sure that your husband is in the room. If he leaves, leave with him. That means you don't EVER talk to her on the phone or anywhere else alone. This way, your husband hears first hand what she says and sees for himself what is going on and how destructive she is. My guess is that this woman will be less likely to be hurtful in front of her son and less likely to twist things because he was there. You have already confronted her and it has probably gone on deaf ears. So, now it's time for you to protect yourself and have your husband step up to the plate. - Dr. Ellen

Relationship Counseling: How do I get over my Divorce?

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 08:00:00 GMT
Dear Dr. Ellen: I want so badly to get on with my life but I don't know how to stop the pain. My wife and I are divorced. We have two children and all I want is for us to be a family again. What makes it worse is that she is currently seeing another man. How can I stop hurting? - David

Dear David: She is your ex-wife which means you are divorced and she's involved with another man. You will have to go through a mourning period just as if there was a death in your family. Disbelief, anger, depression and denial are all feelings that you are probably experiencing or will experience.

We always want what we can't have and I know she is even more desirable to you now because she's gone. I'm going to give you permission to suffer. I have talked to thousands of men and women who have had their hearts broken and their dreams shattered. The one question they always asked me is, "How can I stop hurting?" My answer is always, "You have to hurt before you heal." Eventually, the pain might lessen and may even go away, but for a while you will hurt. There is no way to take the pain away. Sometimes people jump back into a new relationship too soon to lessen their pain. That doesn't work. You must go through the healing process to come out whole.

I can't tell you how many people have closed themselves off from having another relationship because they've been hurt in the past. Their fear of being hurt again is so great that they refuse to open their hearts to someone new. I know it's painful when a relationship ends, especially since you stood at the alter and vowed, "Till death do you part." I believe in the expression, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." No one enjoys being rejected, ignored, disappointed or pushed aside. But when someone you cared about does this to you, it's a wake-up call that forces you to look inside yourself and ultimately stretch, grow and gain more knowledge and understanding about yourself. You actually become a better person. As a result, you look for a better partner and become a better partner yourself. I know you are in pain right now and you may not believe this but many people have lost a love, only to discover a greater love than the one they lost. Your past relationships prepare you for your future relationships if you allow yourself to learn from them. There is no substitute for time and in time you will open your heart again. - Dr. Ellen

My Mom Needs to Get a Job

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 08:00:00 GMT
Dear Dr. Ellen: My father died three years ago. My husband and I paid for a lot of the funeral expenses because my parents did not plan well and my mother had nothing to pay with. I have an older sister who is married, but they borrowed $100 from my mother, the day dad died, so her husband could wear a jacket at the funeral. When I got a call from the cemetery just three months ago, I was shocked and very embarrassed to find out that mom had never paid the rest of the funeral expenses. The cemetery gave her mercy and said she could pay it gradually for the entire two person crypt (in a mausoleum). It's considered property, so she would have to pay off the entire bill to own the property of both crypts. I called my sister and she said mother had also left them with a $1500 cell bill. Mother stays on the phone with her clients but has never been paid for her time or work. She moved in with my husband and I and she added a lot of stress to our home. She is used to being queen bee so to speak and hates it when I challenge her to do something else with her life. All she ever talks about is what she is doing and never has taken an interest in our kids or my husband, NEVER. Every time I sit with her quietly and kindly ask her to be a productive member of my already 6 person home, she has left me very upset and moved in with my sister and her husband, who have 2 teens. They never make waves and always make her feel welcome, despite the cell problems that is now ruining their credit. They act scared of her anger/fits and the threat to ignore them. Mom came back to my home after 18 months. She ruined her computer (we had to listen to her complain constantly about this) so my husband bought her a laptop for Mother's Day and she still complains about everything, including her new lap top.

We finally told her last Wed, she had one week to get a job. She needed to contribute to her own bills as well as the 12 month payment plan the cemetery set up. This new bill is going to be a burden for my husband and I, but this is my father and either we pay it or they will move him out. She said she would do everything she could to help with the payments and get herself a job (she has said this many times before, but always bolted to a family member's home and ignored me and my kids for each of their birthdays and holidays). Well you guessed it, the day before she was to have met the deadline, she started a fight with me and I told her it was hard to live with her sitting around all day playing games on her computer and not helping out. She seems to want to do my house work, but I have refused to allow her to take my job and force me out to get a job to solve her problems. So, she bolted again. This time she is at a friend's house, someone that sympathizes with her problems and how we treat her. She left it with my husband to solve her problems once again. What do I do? Do I call her and remind her of this bill? Do I make nice when I ever talk to her again and leave her alone until she can pay? Do I start asking her 4 sisters to talk to her about this problem and get intervention? I just don't know what to do here. I have tried to understand and be kind. I know this is hard on her to be alone, but she isn't alone. She says she hates being a taker, but does nothing to change this. Yes, I am hurt beyond words. My kids are going to pay the price for her moving out and not talking to any of us. Last time this happened, it was 18 months before I reached out to HER and acted like it never happened. I am going to have to get a job and solve this. For as long as I can remember she has reached out to the lost, hungry and down trodden. But she has really never acted that same way with me or her grandkids. Can you give me some advice? - Laura

Dear Laura: The sooner you realize that your mother will never get a job, never pay her bills, never recognize your children's birthdays and never contribute financially wherever she is staying, the sooner you can be at peace. The best indication for predicting future behavior is to look at past behavior. At her age, she isn't going to undergo a complete transformation because of a phone call from you. All that will do is make you spend wasted energy.

Having said that, she is your mother and the only one you will ever have. I'm sure that she never pictured the later years of her life, alone and penniless. Because she was such a giving person to others, she just assumed that when the time came, she would somehow be taken care of. If you had said that she was mentally or physically handicapped, then I would feel that it was your duty to either take care of her or make sure she is taken care of. But the fact that she has a bright mind (otherwise she would not have customers as well as be able to play games on a computer) and has to be physically in pretty good condition if she wanted to do your housework, leads me to believe that your duty is to help her move on with her life. I would have suggested a month instead of a week for a deadline but based on what you wrote, I believe that the outcome would have been the same.

I definitely think that you need to sit down with your sister and make some decisions regarding the financial obligations of your dad's funeral and the future of your mother. You will be faced with the same financial burden when her time comes. I believe in writing letters. Most people can tune out what you say because they are thinking of what they want to say instead. But a letter is hard to ignore. Your voice gets heard and it's very therapeutic for you. Let your mom know how much you love her and you do understand how unprepared she was for all of this. Tell her that if you were well off financially, none of this would be a problem because you could take care of all her needs. But since that is not the case, for either you or your sister, you need her to contribute to the household expenses, while she still can, if she is going to live with either of you. At the very least, she can't run up a cell phone bill and ruin someone's credit. Leave the door open and let her know that you do want her to be part of your life no matter what but if she is going to live with you, she has to abide by your rules. Let her know how her grandchildren are affected by her leaving so abruptly.

Along with what is expected of her, I would also include what you are willing to do. For example, it may be hard for her to collect money from her clients but you or your husband can be the bad guys and contact all of them to let them know that they have a deadline to pay for her time and work or she won't be doing it anymore. If your mother has not worked for someone else, it's pretty intimidating to go job hunting. So, you can tell her that you are willing to help her find a job. If she is willing to do housework, there are plenty of families who are looking for live-in help for their children along with some light housework. This way she would have a place to stay and still get paid for her work. Once you send the letter with all of your feelings in writing, the ball will be in her court. - Dr. Ellen

I am in Love with a Younger Man

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 08:00:00 GMT
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 40 year old mother of 6 and grandma of one! I have just met the most wonderful man who is 24 years old. We get along really well. We dance together. We have dinner together and we just clicked the moment I met him. The question for you is, do you think he is too young for me? Do I sound like one of those ladies that seem dirty or desperate because they can't get someone their own age? Also, my oldest daughter is 22.

Then there is my mom and step-dad who really want me to find someone of our faith. I am not attracted to anyone else and I am being pulled in a lot of ways. I'm confused about this. Should I find someone who I am not interested in and has the same faith or should I follow my heart and try to make it work with a man with whom I have a lot of things in common? The only thing I really think about is that this younger man he will want kids of his own some day and I don't want any more children. My youngest is 5 years old. I went through two breakups in 20 years and I finally want to be happy. I think I found that someone. What should I do? - Rhonda

Dear Rhonda: You do not sound like one of those ladies that seem dirty or desperate because they can't get someone their own age. In Hollywood, it has always been acceptable to read about the romances of older men with younger women. For example, Michael Douglas, who is 60 years old, is married to Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is 34. That is a 26 year age difference. The latest couple to make the headlines is Tom Cruise, who is 42 and Katie Holmes, who is 26.

There was a time when it wasn't acceptable for women to be with much younger men. For the longest time, no matter how much we praised ourselves for giving equal rights to women, when it came to dating there was always a different attitude. While men have had the freedom to choose a woman of any age, women were expected to date men in their own age group. Not anymore! May/December romances are on the rise. I did some research. Now we are starting to see many older women with younger men. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are just a few examples of longer lasting relationships. A couple who is now withstanding the test of time is Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. They met when he was 25 and she was 41. I could go on and on with other examples. I believe that you should embrace love wherever you find it. If there are two consenting adults who have enough in common and feel an emotional, physical and spiritual connection, I say, go for it!

However, in your case, you have a problem that is much bigger than age. I always feel that for many people, religion and children are deal breakers. At some point, before this gets too serious, you need to discuss these two major concerns. If that can't be worked out, then you should definitely move on because it will only lead to heartache down the road. - Dr. Ellen