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Relationship Counseling: Should I accept a new job offer and leave my daughter?
Dear Dr. Ellen: I would like to see if you could shed some light on my situation. I have been divorced for over a year and separated for over two years. My ex and I have a wonderful 20 month old daughter. Recently, I have decided to take a job in a different
state. I tried to talk to my ex about my decision and tried to talk out some different visitation schedules. She doesn't want to talk about any of the possibilities. She basically said if you want any more than you have now I would have to make a judge tell me I have to give you more time. I have been there for my daughter since day one. Financially, emotionally, and meeting my daughters needs. I'm a pro-active Dad. I've taken a single parenting class and am currently enrolled in a child development class. Now, that we can't work the visitation out, I'm questioning myself about the decision to take the job. Should I stay where I'm at now for the sake of my daughter? Whatever path I take is not going to be easy unless I live next to my ex until my daughter is 18. I feel that I have moved on and I want to start my new life. I feel that my ex is exactly were I left her. I know I have no control over that and I can only control myself, but it stifles the
relationship we can have for our daughter.
Also, I'm having stress about moving to a new place and a new job. Is that normal? Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer. - Mark
Dear Mark: Yes, you should stay put for the sake of your daughter. That adorable little child does not care how much knowledge you have or how many classes you've taken.
(I think it's wonderful and I commend you for that.) All she cares about is how much time she can spend with her daddy. Moving to another state means having either a long drive or a plane ride. This can get to be very expensive. I know it's hard to picture at 20 months, but your daughter needs you at all her parent-teacher nights and extracurricular activities. Also, if she has a fever or an accident, how are you going to be there for her?
Having a close, father-daughter bond is so important for her and the only way that happens is to live as close to her as possible. Your ex is trying to make it as difficult
for you as possible because she knows intuitively that if you go to another state it will be devastating for your daughter and much harder for her as well.
You will get on with your life whether you stay or go. There is a good chance that you will fall in love again wherever you are. The problem is that your daughter will suffer greatly with an absentee father. No matter how good your intentions are now, moving to another state will make it harder to see her. As she gets older it will be more difficult for her to come and visit as well. A phone call does not equal an afternoon at the park. A visit once every couple of weeks or months does not make up for the lack of everyday parenting. You created a new life and it is your obligation to do everything in your power to give this little girl the benefit of a father and mother in her life.
You are right, whatever path you will take will not be easy. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that as you get older, there will be no greater satisfaction than
knowing you were always there for your daughter, no matter what. Many successful men, including Ted Turner, have been interviewed and asked what they regretted most in their
life? Their answer - "Not being a better father." - Dr. Ellen
To solve your marriage problems without marriage counseling, visit Dr. Ellen's marriage counseling home page
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