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Relationship Counseling: Should I show that I am interested?
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 56 yr. old woman who is not in a relationship at this time. Recently I met a man at a coffee place near my apartment. He struck up a conversation and we had a nice talk while I was waiting for my girlfriend to get there. My girlfriend
came and when he got up to leave, he stopped at my table and said it was a pleasure to meet me and we shook hands. I was impressed by his quiet spirit and politeness. He is a soft spoken, professional man (58 yrs old) with a 36 yr. career in the police force. Two days later I went back and he again was there. He told me that he was divorced and had 2 grown adult kids. He mentioned that he lived alone with his dog and when I got up to leave he walked me to my car and gave me a brief hug. Last night we saw each other for
the 3rd. time (same place) and he told me more about his marriage and his former wife and he spoke about his feelings. He said his wife left him after 31 yrs. of marriage. He came home from work and her things were just gone and the next day he was served with
the papers. He said she started dating younger men and going to dance clubs and she never really discussed why she wanted the divorce. When he was talking to me I could see he was a little sad, that he did not see it coming at all. He said he had a wonderful marriage until the kids left to get married. I had to leave because I was having dinner with my son. When he walked me to my car he didn't even give me a hug. He doesn't act as if he is dating at all but I do not know for sure. He has shared a lot with me but hasn't given me any signals that he would want to go out with me. My question to you is, should I continue to go there for coffee after work or not? I would go out with him if he asked me. I can tell he is attracted to me as he has complimented me on my hair and looks happy to see me. I don't want to chase him or make a pest of myself by just showing up at the coffee place. I thought about not going there for maybe a week to see if he would miss me. Am I just being foolish or what? He may not be ready to date yet. Please help me figure out what to do. - Betty
Dear Betty: Most women do not understand how deep a man's fear of rejection is. He's probably not sure at this point whether or not you would go out with him. He may not even trust that it was your son that you were meeting for dinner. It takes time to develop trust especially since he was so hurt by his ex-wife. And you should not trust him as well until you get to know him better. It can take as much as 5 years to get over a divorce and he may still feel the pain of what happened to him. He may not be done grieving about his divorce and his ex even though he rarely sees her.
He could also be dating someone. The only way you are going to find out is by talking to him. So, yes, I think you should continue going to the coffee shop everyday if you feel like it and really get to know him. A coffee shop is the perfect opportunity to do that. There is nothing wrong with asking him, "Since your divorce, have you been in any serious relationships?" Find out more about his attitude toward women and dating. In this day and age, you can't be too careful. As a police officer he knows that as well. I am sure he doesn't want to scare you away by being too forward and asking you for your phone number. He certainly doesn't want to get rejected. He has had enough of that with his ex to last a lifetime. I am also a great believer in destiny. If this relationship is meant to be then nothing you do or say is going ruin it. If, on the other hand, it is not meant to be, then nothing you say or do is going to change that as well. - Dr. Ellen
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