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Relationship Counseling: The man I live with wants to combine our incomes
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a divorced mother of 2 young boys, ages 12 and 9.
I recently bought a house with my boyfriend of 2 years, who is also
divorced with 2 kids (11 and 8). They primarily live with their mom
but 30% of the time live with us. We both make good incomes but my
income is 30% more than his. My dilemma is that he insists on
combining both incomes into one pot to pay the household bills, my
kid's school tuition and needs, our own personal needs, vacations,
misc, etc. We have been in arguments lately and building up
resentment because of our differing views on managing the money. I
insist on just allocating a certain amount to household expenses and
and keep the rest of our incomes separate so we can each pay our own
bills, like school expenses, and have our own savings accounts. He
insists that if he does it my way, there will be not much left over
for him and his kids. Well, he didn't have anything before we moved
in together so what makes him think that he should now! I told him
that he needs to look at his own personal expenditures and see what
he should do about them but all I get back is a very immature
response and verbal abuse. I am not even married to this man or do
we have a cohabitation agreement. I regret not having one before we
bought the house which is why I feel strongly about being
independent about keeping my pot separate. What do I do? I love
this man, however, he is making me start to realize that perhaps he
moved in with me to have a better life in a bigger home with more
money to spend.....MY MONEY! - Sharon
Dear Sharon: Yes, it was a mistake to buy a house together without
agreeing on the money issues beforehand. The sequence of events
should have been, (1) discussion of financial arrangements, (2)
marriage and then (3) buying a house together. I feel that you are
absolutely right in not wanting to put your money towards his
financial commitments, especially since there is no permanent
commitment for marriage. I feel that a woman's gut feel is usually
right and since you said, "perhaps he moved in with me to have a
better life in a bigger home with more money to spend" just may be
correct. I think anyone would be uncomfortable pooling money when
their partner has accumulated a great deal of debt. This may be a
man who is comfortable having a woman take care of him.
The true victims in this situation are your children. They hear
you arguing and can do nothing about the tension that is going on
between the two of you. If this man truly loves you, then he will
agree to keep things separate for now. If his goal is to have a
better life, then he will keep insisting that you share the
financial burden he has. I feel that if this can't be settled,
then he leaves you no choice but to sell the house and go your
separate ways. - Dr. Ellen
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