| |
Relationship Problems Solved Using Dr. Ellen's Programs. Over 1 Million Sold. As Seen On Oprah, Montel, Sally, The View. Solving Marital Problems Guaranteed Or Your Money Back!
Relationship Counseling: The man I feel in love with has changed his mind
Dear Dr. Ellen: I met a man prior to my divorce being final. Yes,
I fell for him hard. We had known each others family for 6 years.
I have 4 kids and he has 2. We both went through the same issues
in our marriages of 14+ years. Our spouses had affairs on us. I
finalized my divorce, however, he has not finalized his divorce
and they have been living in separate households for over 3 years
now. He says he does not want to put the kids through the courts.
We seemed to be a good match. Three weeks into our relationship,
I went out with friends (male/female) and had a bit too much to
drink. The quick version is, one of the guys tried to kiss me that
night and after the attempt to kiss me, I left with a couple of
girl friends and they took me home. I did not know about it until
the next day. I was honest with him about the drinking and the
attempted kiss. He said that he forgave me and our relationship
continued for 5 months. He started acting funny and then ended the
relationship because of his wife harassing the kids about our
relationship (so he said, but then my gut said something else). We
maintained a friendship during this time. Finally, almost 3 months
later, I find out (as does the rest of his family) that he has
stomach cancer. We resume our relationship (although, I am a bit
more cautious now). He asked me to keep it quiet from his kids and
ex - so that the kids don't have to go through their mother's
cruelness. yes, I know his wife and she is a very angry and cruel
person when it comes to him. He invites me to several work
functions, parties, and at Christmas time, he buys me a ring,
symbolizing his love for me. His entire family comes down for
Christmas and New Years and we all get together. He announces that
he has never been so in love and that when our oldest kids are out
of high school, they will all be receiving invitations to our
wedding. At this time, all of our kids become aware that we are
dating again. Then 2 wks after Christmas, he emails all of his
family and me and tells us the tumor on his kidney is getting a
little bit bigger and now they are increasing his chemo. Then, not
even two weeks later, he emails me that he hasn't loved me since
we got back together, and was only trying to get back the feeling
of love he had for me in the beginning, before the night I went
out with my friends. He just couldn't get the idea of me kissing
another man out of his mind. He didn't trust me and ended our
relationship. He said he hoped I would forgive him and one day be
friends, but this was best for both of us.
I am very confused and hurt. And I am, once again, doubting myself.
My gut feeling is that there is more to this situation. I can't
find closure with the way that he ended things. The pain seems
only to get worse not better. Do I forgive him as he asked me to
do and maintain a friendship or should I just walk away? This, for
some reason is worse than ending my marriage. I know that sounds
crazy. - Lilly
Dear Lilly: This man is fighting for his life. I have had breast
cancer and gone through chemotherapy and the last thing he wants to
do is complicate his life. I'm sure it is taking all of his
strength just to get up in the morning, earn a living and see his
children. You can't imagine how someone feels, physically and
mentally, when they are given a diagnosis of cancer, especially if
the tumor is growing. Your entire perspective on life changes when
you are battling a life threatening illness. I know that his wife
hurt him deeply but something is still keeping him connected to her
and I don't believe that it's just the children. At this time in his
life, he needs his family to give him support and help. I don't
think he feels comfortable asking for that from someone who has just
recently entered his life in a romantic way. Knowing him as a friend
for 6 years, doesn't count.
The fantasy life he enjoyed with you did not include living with
your 4 children, paying bills and the day to day routine and
responsibilities that come with marriage. That's a lot to think
about if you are healthy, let alone when all of your strength is
being zapped by chemotherapy. I'm sure that he has begun examining
his whole life and what his priorities are right now. He knows what
true love is because he stood at the altar and vowed to love his
wife forever. She may have been unfaithful to him because she
wasn't getting the emotional fulfillment that she needed. I'm not
going to make excuses for her but it may take something like this
for him to see his part in all of this. I'm sure that when you were
together, he enjoyed himself. But left alone, he is still grieving
the loss of his wife and the life they had together.
Don't listen to the part of you that wants to wait for this man,
until he "realizes that he cares for you". Listen to the part of
you that is scared of being hurt further and truly wasting your
time. He is going on a different journey now and he has made it
clear that he no longer has feelings for you. Even though it has
been painful, at least he was honest with you. So, to answer your
question, yes, forgive him and move on with your life. - Dr. Ellen
To solve your marriage problems without marriage counseling, visit Dr. Ellen's marriage counseling home page
| |
