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Relationship Counseling: The man I love is living with another woman
Dear Dr. Ellen: I got divorced after 20 years of marriage. I tried
everything I could to make it work, but it just never worked out.
I was gone from the marriage a long time before I physically left.
I moved to another state and looked up the man I had been in love
with over 22 years ago. I wanted to see if I still had the same
feelings for him. We have been together for about 4 months. It is
incredible and we see each other 2 times a week. We call each other,
email each other or text message all day long, every day. The issue
is that he has been living with someone for 5 years. She has a child
that is not his. He claims, and so do all his friends, that it is
like a brother and sister living with each other. I believe she
knows about me because he does not come home when he comes to see
me. He owns the house and we live an hour from each other. I own my
home, and we want to keep it that way.
He gets really upset when he doesn't hear from me for a few hours
and worries that if he can't give me what I need I will move on. I
am so in love with this man and I can't see myself with anyone else.
Am I a fool for thinking it will work out and we have a future? I
don't feel jealous or insecure because he is so good to me. He takes
me out to meet his friends, and his family knows about me. Please
help me! - Liz
Dear Liz: I could be way off base, but if this woman is like a
"sister" to him then he wouldn't have any problem with you coming
over to his house and introducing you to her. Whenever people live
as true "roommates" in order to share expenses, they usually don't
have a problem introducing their boyfriend or girlfriend to the
person who they share their home with. My guess is that if she
hasn't met you yet, then there is more to their relationship than
he's admitting to. As far as I'm concerned, your boyfriend is
living a double life. At some point, the correct response from you
should be, "I'm very uncomfortable dating you, knowing that you
have been living with a woman for 5 years and you still continue
living with her when you and I are seriously involved. You will
have to make a choice because I won't date a man who is living with
another woman." My guess is that this other woman is completely in
the dark and doesn't know that he is romantically involved with
you. He may be telling her that he is going out with a friend or
he's going on a business trip when he's gone for the night. Emails,
text messages and cell phones do not mean too much if you are not
able to call on his home phone at night.
It is very easy to see what his true intentions are. Tell him you
would like to meet his "sister" and her daughter. If you sense his
discomfort and he makes any excuses as to why that would not
possible, then he is trying to juggle two different women in his
life. There is a big difference between him telling you that his
family knows about you and bringing you over to meet everyone. I
would normally not be concerned with all of this at the 4 month
mark but since it sounds like he has your heart, I'd rather see
you be safe than sorry. If you have already been introduced to his
"sister" and can call his home anytime your heart desires, then
this could wind up being a very romantic love story! - Dr. Ellen
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